My Top 10 Retro Video Game Tracks, Part 2

This is a continuation from my previous post, when I went through songs 6 through 10. If you’d like to read about them and why I chose them, see part 1 here. Otherwise, here’s a quick recap:

10. Street Fighter II – Guile’s Theme, SNES
9. The Legend of Zelda – Opening Theme, NES
8. Maniac Mansion – Dave’s Theme, NES
7. Star Tropics – Sub-C Sailing Theme, NES
6. Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball – Gameplay Theme, SNES

Now, without further ado, here are songs 1 through 5:

5. Sonic the Hedgehog – Starlight Zone, Sega Genesis

In the second half of the 80’s, the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) was king.  If you were a kid and didn’t have one, then I think there’s a strong case that your parents should’ve been charged with child abuse.

Then, along came the Sega Genesis.

It was hip. It was fast.  And upon seeing the first commercial with the old hag complaining about the 16-bit graphics in the 1st Grade, it was all me and my friends were talking about.  Man, oh man did we go ballistic when we saw Sonic fly across the screen!

Nintendo would eventually have to step it games up, but until then, Sonic was here, and he came with an attitude.  And although the Sega Genesis wasn’t exactly known for its great music, the original Sonic the Hedgehog had a great score full of memorable hooks to accompany our blue hedgehog friend through each zone, my favorite being the theme for Starlight Zone.

Set in the backdrop of a starry-lit city and with the final battle of Dr. Robotnik looming, Starlight Zone acts as the last glimpse of a cheerful experience with our likeable blue mascot before the hard part begins.  The music sets the mood perfectly, a throwback to the first time I set foot in a big city and witnessed the magnificence of busy streets, flashing lights and skyscrapers.  It brings back that wondrous feeling of living life in the moment, knowing there’s no other place you’d rather be, even with all the surrounding chaos.

Starlight Zone Theme from Sonic the Hedgehog

It’s a shame that it all has to end at some point.  But eventually, we all must move on.  We all must face our fears at some point to confront our greatest foes, whether it be a round psychopathic doctor or having the courage to ask that babe out on a date.  At some point in our life, we all much step up to the plate to do what we were meant to do.  But as we strive for that point, we can still enjoy the moment that is around us.

Starlight Zone Gameplay

4. Chrono Trigger – Guardia Castle Theme, SNES

Trust me, the game is way better than its cover art suggests

So, funny story about this game.  I was at a party once over Thanksgiving break during college at my buddy’s place when his roommate’s Super Nintendo got busted out among a group of friends.  The usual hits were brought out, and of course, I crushed it on Super Mario World.  Near the end of the night however, I shuffled through a couple of the titles when I came across one that peaked my interest.

“Hey, Chrono Trigger,” I said to my amazement, having feasted my eyes upon one of the most coveted games of the SNES.  “That’s supposed to be one of the best RPGs!”

“Oh yea,” replied the roommate, who for the record, was a good dude and a person I really liked, but was also at that moment plastered beyond belief.  So, for obvious reasons, I’m leaving a few names out of the equation.  “Do you want to borrow it,” he asked.

I couldn’t believe my ears.  Me?  Borrow Chrono Trigger?  This was the gold standard of role playing games, and undoubtedly the most critically acclaimed RPG of all time, even more so than Final Fantasy VII!  On top of that, it was one of the rarest!  But it was wrong of me to borrow it, to take advantage of a guy blitzed out of his mind who had no freaking clue of the treasure of which he was sitting on.  “Thanks, but I can’t borrow this from you.  It just wouldn’t be right—“

“Ah dude, go ahead!  Take it, and just bring it back whenever.”

“Are you sure it’s cool?  I mean, we’re talking Chrono Trigger here.”

“Trust me,” he replied, slurs and all.  “You’re a good guy.  I know you’ll bring it back when you’re done.” 

Approximately 15 years later, that game still remains in my possession.

Just to give you an idea of how much this game is worth. The instructions alone are going for almost 70 bucks!

Over the next several weeks, I played the crap out of that game.  It definitely lived up to the hype, and then some.  I couldn’t stop playing it, even in the wake of finals coming up.  The tight battle mechanics, the balance of characters, the amount of detail the game developers put into creating a story that naturally mends several different time periods, it’s no wonder that many consider Chrono Trigger to be the greatest RPG of all time.  And of course, as was the case with many RPG’s of that era, the music was on point throughout.

Though the game had its score of compelling pieces, if I had to single out one, it would be the Guardia Castle Theme, where Meryl, the “female interest” gets sent back in time only to discover that she’s been mistaken as a princess, and the protagonist, Chrono is in danger of losing his life.  It’s a great blend of excitement, tension, running, and I love the trumpets that fill in some of the choral elements of the song.  It really sucks you in the moment of a medieval quest and provides a sense of urgency to your actions.

Guardia Castle Theme

There are many more reasons why Chrono Trigger is considered to be such a masterpiece of a game.  A large part of that involves its versatile and engaging story, the fact that even the simplest of decisions you make throughout the game actually have consequences that play out in significant ways, leading to several different endings and even the permanent death of the main character if the player is not careful.

If you have the time, the retrospective above helps explain in more detail as to why Chrono Trigger is considered one of the greatest RPGs

But even with all those elements, the story wouldn’t be as memorable without a wonderful score to accompany it along the way.

The wind song is also a classic from the game as well

3. Mega Man 3 – Opening Theme, NES

My father and I bonded over Mega Man 2.  We knew that game like the back of our hands.  Day in and day out, Bubble Man’s theme repeated itself inside our head worse than Disneyland’s “It’s a small world.”  We could breeze through Flash Man’s stage with our eyes closed, even with the slippery surfaces.  The first boss level where you fight the dragon and that crazy jump you can only make with the Item-1 upgrade?  Easy.  Quick Man’s stage still sucked, but at least his music was awesome!  Just name the stage and we could start humming the theme song to you right off the top of my head, no problem.

Then came the sequel: Mega Man 3.  Nintendo Power Magazine had been buzzing for months about Snake Man, Magnet Man and the rest of the new robot masters, giving us plenty of time to studying their weaknesses and strategizing our attack plan.  And what about the enigmatic, whistling… Proto Man???  Talk about an overload of anticipation, way too much for a typical 5-year-old to handle!  And as my dad returned from work that Friday in late 1990 with the rented cartridge in hand, my heart was already pounding.  This was it, the moment we had been waiting for.  “How would it hold up to Mega Man 2?”  We were about to find out.

There was nothing special about the title screen.  In fact, it was fairly basic as far as games are concerned.  But even with all the hype built up over the past several months, I couldn’t bring myself to press the start button.  The music had a cool, captivating tone at the onset of the opening credits that furtively transitioned into a bit of a mysterious mood the moment the words “MEGA MAN 3” appeared on the screen.  It was as if the game was asking us, “are you sure you’re ready for this?”  I thought I was, but for the moment… maybe not.  So I stalled and listened, and little by little, the melody grew in complexity, the tone turned darker, all in a build-up into the final hook…

All of a sudden, “BAM!” It hit me in the face with your textbook Mega Man style, to say, “Oh yea!  This is what you wanted?  This is what you’re getting!  I was pumped, and I was ready for another round of blue, 8-bit badassery!

Mega Man 3 Opening

From that moment, I knew Mega Man 3 would live up to the worthiness of its predecessor.  And if you ask most critics, they would agree in saying Mega Man 2 was the most critically acclaimed and overall favorite of the bunch.  But there was always an enigma with 3 that captivated me, an unknown, yet familiar landscape that was both comforting and challenging at the same time (not to mention the kick-ass opening theme song), making it my favorite Mega Man of the series.

And if classical music is your cup of tea, this is an awesome rendition of the classics from Mega Man series

2. Final Fantasy VI – Terra’s Theme, SNES

If I were to mention the name John Williams to you, most of you would instantly recognize him as one of the most famous composers in the world.  But what about Nobuo Uematsu?  “Nobu.. who,” you ask?  He happens to be one of the greatest composers in gaming history, a true pioneer of his craft, and the genius behind the music of the Final Fantasy series.

One thing I find fascinating about him is the amount of work and dedication that he put into creating a score for games in an era where these types of compositions were unheard of. After all, we aren’t talking about a silly Mario Brothers jingle; these are 3 hour sets that have been played with orchestras many times over. Even for those who aren’t avid gamers, it’s easy to appreciate the Final Fantasy games, not just from a musical standpoint, but from their story-telling and by the emotional connection they’re able to make with a player (don’t tell me you didn’t cry when you watched Aerith die in Final Fantasy VII). It’s one of the reasons why so many have come to love the series and have invested so much time into them. Final Fantasy really broke the mold into making a game something more, something that inspired gamers to be greater, and out of all the Final Fantasies, I think VI (otherwise known as III in the United States, but that’s a long story) was the most impactful in my life.

It was the first time I had seen a video game of such depth in its story and with such a diverse group of characters, whose personalities shined throughout the game, some of which you really grew attached to.  There was Locke, the “treasure hunter” who would brush off any mention of his true profession as a thief, Cyan, the noble swordsman, Gau with his awesome, primitive theme music from The Veldt, and my personal favorite, Sabin with his Blitz abilities, all with well-rooted backstories.  And if I’m talking about characters, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Kefka, the psychotic and sinister villain who fancies himself a God, even going so far as to poison an entire kingdom of people!  Heck, to tell you how much detail they put into the music and story of the game, there’s even a part in the game where you participate in an opera!  And for the grand finale, you’re rewarded with a nearly 20 minute epic for the final battle!

Though the game is filled with amazing songs, I believe the most memorable would have to be Terra’s theme that runs throughout the game, starting with the opening sequence where she and two Magitek armored soldiers march into the city of Narshe to find an esper with magical powers. 

Final Fantasy VI Opening Sequence

“Wait, who’s Terra?”  She’s a half-human half esper with magical abilities.  “Wait, what’s an esper?”  A magical being from another realm.  “What about all this Magitek Armor?”  Well, at this point, I would just recommend you play the game to find out.  But in all, her theme expertly encapsulates the mood of our protagonist, somebody who doesn’t quite understand her abilities and the magnitude of her skills, as well as the players themselves.   There’s a reluctance about her, like many of us who have been thrust into situations we didn’t ask to be in and who don’t quite understand the potential we have within ourselves to be great.  But every now and then, we feel called to act, possibly out of necessity, but also because we have to press forward… because it’s the right thing to do.  Thus, she embarks on her adventure, not quite sure what of peril she’s walking towards, and we are with her every step of the way with a song helps us understand her plight.

Terra’s Theme from Final Fantasy VI

1. Donkey Kong Country 2, Diddy’s Kong Quest – Sticklebrush Symphony, SNES

Donkey Kong Country hit the Super Nintendo by storm.  The 3D renderings pushed the SNES to the limits of its processing capabilities, and not only did it become a breakout hit, but an instant classic for the SNES, cementing its place as one of the all-time great consoles.  As we talked big hype about Sonic in the early 90’s, by the mid 90’s, Nintendo had taken back the crown with Donkey Kong Country.  And as a Sega Genesis loyalist, I too had to eventually succumb to the greatness of the SNES, as hard as it was for me to do so.

However, as great as Donkey Kong Country was, it’s hype wouldn’t last forever, for around the corner was the 32-bit era and the advent of 3D environments, lead by the all-powerful Sony Playstation.  By the time Donkey Kong Country 2 came out, it seemed as though the SNES was on its last leg.  There were no further leaps in graphical capabilities to be made like we had seen with the first Donkey Kong Country.  The system had been pushed to its limits, and it was nearing the time for Nintendo to retire the SNES and make way for the next generation of consoles.  It was something my friend Matt and I didn’t seem ready for.

It was late January and the year was 1996.  While everybody was watching the Super Bowl that afternoon, we had a different motive.  As two kids about to make the transition into Jr. High, we knew our lives were changing.  Soon, things like girls and sports would occupy our minds over Super Nintendo and other aging video game consoles.  But in a way, we were like the famous quarterback Uncle Rico, knowing his best days were behind him, yet still holding on to that vestige of a dream.  That realization was hammered into us once we heard the Sticklebrush Symphony in the Bramble Blast level of Donkey Kong Country 2.

I’m not sure how or why they came up with such a melancholy composition for a level where you barrel blast your way through a briar patch, but not only does it work beautifully, you almost forget about the dangerous thorns surrounding you due to the poignancy of the song.  It was the very first time I experienced the feeling of nostalgia, that longing for the days of old, when things were simpler, where we didn’t have to worry about the complexity of three dimensions or the ever-changing culture and environments of not just the video game world, but of a kid in transition into a teenager.  In that moment, while I was playing through that level and the rest of the world was fixated on a football game, I wanted nothing more than to have that moment of battling the Robot Masters of Mega Man 2 once again with my father, or exploring the islands and caverns of Star Tropics and finally beating the alien nemesis Zoda for the first time.  Although I could (and would) replay those games, the feeling would never be the same as when I first engaged them.

Bramble Blast Gameplay

While we make new memories, we never quite get those moments back, a comfort that lies in the past that isn’t quite guaranteed for the future.  And that’s what Donkey Kong Country 2’s Sticklebrush Symphony represents; that feeling I receive looking back at the games I used to play, a throwback to the 8 and 16-bit eras of gaming.  All the songs mentioned above and so many more bring back the nostalgia, the joy of being a kid fulling engaged in a game with not a care in the world except for conquering the next boss in our way, and Sticklebrush Symphony is the ultimate tribute to the greatness of that time period and to the game developers, composers, and pioneers of that era.  It’s why it remains my all-time favorite.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I have a feeling they don’t make video game music the way they used to.  There was an art to the simplicity, a repeditiveness that was appealing and comforting.  The sense of adventure it brought made games more than just a game, but an avenue to feed our sense of imagine, to explore the limits of our creative minds.

Video game music will never quite get the credit it deserves.  You’d certainly never hear any of them being played on the radio or receive a Grammy or any other major award.  But perhaps, that’s what makes them so good.  They’re special to those of us who grew up with them as if they’re a part of us as it is a part of the game, and as gamers, I don’t think we’d have it any other way.

My Top 10 Retro Video Game Tracks, Part 1

Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash
Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

Now that we’re into our 4th week of quarantine, or is it the 5th… 6th?  Man, I don’t even know any more.  All I know is, I’m running out of things to do.  So, it might just be time to bust out the old Nintendo once again.  That is, as long as find time between the Real Housewives of New York (aka, RHONY) and Beverly Hills.

Ughz.

But whenever I do manage to pick up the controller, nostalgia hits me in three different forms.

  1. An intense amount of rage, frustration, and cursing re-emerges.
  2. The obsessive/compulsive side of me awakens to turn me into an unstable psychopath.
  3. I’m brought back to sanity by the sweet and soothing sound of NES music.

The music in video games is a vastly underappreciated fragment of American society.  Sing the first jingle of the Super Mario Brothers theme and the person next to you will instantaneously recognize it.  Whether it’s Tetris, Zelda, or Street Fighter, those 8-bit melodies have been ingrained in their heads.  It’s quite clever, provided the limitations of sound quality, and these retro-era composers don’t get anywhere near amount of credit they deserve.

Having grown up in the throngs of the 8 and 16-bit eras of gaming, I know first-hand how well these tunes add to the mood and tone of any setting.  Any avid gamer remembers the moment you finally get to the boss in a level and suddenly, the music turns to a grimmer, edgier, and more frantic.  Your heart begins to beat rapidly, your concentration level peaks, and you sit up in your chair to lean into the TV, as in, “this ain’t a game no more.  Time to get down to business!”

With such influence on my childhood making me into the man I am today, I couldn’t go without paying tribute to some of my favorite video game tunes from the retro era.  Thus, here are a few of my favorites from Grizzly Chadams’ years of young.

Part of the reason why these are my favorite are the personal connection I had to each of the games. I remember details of my childhood, where I was, how it made me feel, and the stories behind playing them. And knowing there are a lot of great soundtracks out there from games I haven’t spent the appropriate time playing, and there are many others of which you may have had your own personal connections with, please chime in with some of your favorites. I just hope you are able to enjoy a few the stories behind mine.

10. Street Fighter II – Guile’s Theme

This was probably the hardest one to choose, knowing that there would be so many other games that I’d have to leave out.  Classics like the Castlevania series, Contra, Ducktails, or the entire Super Mario World medley all had great tracks, but eventually, I had to make a cutoff, and before I change my mind once again, I’m going with Street Fighter II.

I’m not sure there was a kid who wasn’t obsessed with Street Fighter II in the 90’s.  But thanks to Mortal Kombat, (a much inferior game for a multitude of reasons, but that would require an entirely separate blog), parents were a little uptight about games that revolve around committing acts of violence upon others.  So, when one of us were lucky enough to get our hands on a copy of the game, we cherished the experience to its fullest extent, for there was no guarantee as to when our next chance to play it would be.

In a way, the enigma of playing such a game “banned” by the parentals added to the entire experience, but that’s not what made Street Fighter II great.  Not only were the fighting mechanics crisp and balanced, but the amount of detail that was put into each character, from fighting style and personality to stage layout and character theme music really solidified the game as the gold standard of the fighting genre.  Getting to try out all the characters added to the entire experience, for there was genuine respect for each one (except for Sagat, who was extremely cheap.  His stage was the worst!).

That laugh still pisses me off!

And although Ryu was always (and still is) my favorite character, I think Guile wins the award for the most iconic stage in the game.  The military setting with the fighter jet in the background combined with the pro-America theme song makes you believe that as soon as Guile’s is done sonic booming you into a crate, he’s going to hop in that plane and ride off to kick some M. Bison ass!

The full version of Guile’s theme song

Overall, Guile’s stage and theme song fully represents what makes Street Fighter II the all-time classic it is.

9. The Legend of Zelda, Opening Theme

With most games, there’s always a little bit of a wait before you got to the title screen.  They may roll in with some developers credits and a second or two of black screen, a chance to ease in before you press start.  Not the case with the original Zelda for the NES.

As soon as you press the power button on your Nintendo, “THE LEGEND OF ZELDA” with its iconic waterfall background pierces your eyes and the theme song blasts you in the face.  It’s only there for a moment, as the colors quickly fade as if it suddenly turned to nightfall and a tombish rhythm beats on to tell you the backstory, the threat of Gannon, and how it’s up to you to save princess Zelda.

As a 4-year-old seeing this for the first time at my grandparents’ house, I was petrified at the daunting task ahead of me.  “What happens if I fail?  I don’t want to die…”  Yet, I was much too intrigued to look away… too invested to turn back.  Princess Zelda needed my help, and there was no way I was letting her down.  So, I pressed start, and the adventure did not disappoint.

Simple and to the point, there isn’t an intro that makes quite the impression as The Legend of Zelda does, not even 34 years later.

8. Maniac Mansion

Almost considered a hidden gem of the NES, you play as Dave, an all-around cool dude who must sneak into a mansion to save Sandy, his babe of a girlfriend being held captive by a mad scientist under the spell of an evil meteor!  In order to pull off his diabolical plan, Dave, being the cool guy he is, solicits the help of two friends chosen amongst a group of eccentric teens with various skills to help you break into the house and solve a plethora of puzzles in the mansion and get to Sandy.

But wait?  How do you know Dave is such a cool guy?  By his theme song, of course.

You see, each kid is equipped with a CD player that repeats a tune that conveniently mirrors their personality.  Bernard, the nerd and frankly, most skilled of the group, has a clunky, almost robotic theme while Razor, the leader of her own punk rock band, has as you would expect, a sharp and driving melody the likes of which would send you into the mosh pit.  While all the kid’s themes add to the gameplay to keep the action fresh, Dave’s is hands the best one.  It’s a cool beat, not to heavy, not too mellow, just a rockin’ tune to keep you cruising through the mansion, closer to your goal of saving your girl.

7. Star Tropics, Sub-C theme

The year was 1991.  My dad had just moved us from Mississippi to start a new life and for the moment, we were homeless.  So I, along with my mom, dad, and two sisters lived out of a motel in Lewiston, Idaho.  All my friends were gone.  The land around me was strange and my family’s stress level was rising, but I was not deterred.  I was focused.  I was determined.  And after a year of practice, pain, and trial and error, I had finally delivered the final blow to defeat the evil alien Zoda. In that double queen bed room at the Sacajawea Motor Inn, I had beaten Star Tropics.  It was undoubtedly the best day of my 5-year-old life.

Anybody who grew up in the 8-bit area knows how much more gratifying it was to beat a game back then than it is today, but that’s another blog for another time.  Having spent 20% of my life up to that point devoted to it, I quickly developed a lot of great memories playing Star Tropics, easily making it my all-time favorite game for the NES.  It’s unique mix of adventure style gameplay with puzzles that naturally blend with the game’s environment was like nothing that had been seen before, and something that hasn’t been recreated since.  And out of all the different parts of the game, nothing takes me back to the feeling I had as a kid quite like hoping into “Sub-C” and hearing the theme song.

The original

Sub-C is a submarine-like vehicle, your means of hopping from island to island in the game, where the real adventures await. And that’s what the song truly encompasses, the feeling of starting a new adventure, the exhilaration behind it and the intrigue of not knowing what monsters you’ll run into along the way. I love the tropical setting the game immerses you in. It’s a world that’s colorful and inviting, yet full of peril and excitement, for you never know what type of quest each village chief will send you on to help his island people, and what monster await. And each time you hop into Sub-C, it’s off to another village, off to another adventure, and off to more fun.

A little Star Tropics Gameplay with the Sub-C Theme Song

To me, Star Tropics is a masterpiece of a game, one that I don’t think ever got the amount of credit it deserved.  I was so glad to see that it made it into the NES Classic so others could experience its greatness.

6. Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball

It all started on a Spring Cub Scout outing in the 4th Grade.  I can’t exactly remember the reason all the Cub Scout Den Leaders met at Alex Barkley’s house on that Saturday, but what I do remember is that Alex had a new Super Nintendo game—Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball.

Me, I wasn’t too high on sports games, for games with adventure/fantasy aspects that escaped the rules of the real world always seemed more appealing.  However, because they dared to bend reality just ever so slightly, there were a few sports titles that I was drawn to such as NFL Blitz and NBA Jam.  Ken Griffey Jr. was one of those games, and as Seattle Mariners fans, we had to play.

Now, I don’t mean to brag or anything, but that afternoon, I was whooping up on all the kids, including Alex himself!  And believe me, nothing was more devastating than having a friend beat you at your own game, especially with the entire Cub Scout troop watching.  Well, Alex didn’t take kindly too such a thrashing, and thus began a 20+ year feud between us.

There are many things that make this game the classic it is.  It’s simple controls, though they may take years to master, are easy to pick up.  It has subtle humor sprinkled throughout and its fast pace helps keep the action fresh.  But perhaps its most overlooked aspect is the running theme song that keeps playing throughout the course of a match.  Blending in common themes from a Major League Baseball game that utilize the potential of the Super Nintendo’s soundboard, the soundtrack is driving, it keeps the tension up, and it reminds you not to let your guard down, for a game can turn at any point.  Simply put, it’s never over till it’s over, a lesson both Alex and I have learned many times over.  No matter how many times it repeats itself, the song never gets old, and you can always count on it to get you into the mood for some good old fashioned baseball.

A little gameplay action to get you into the mood

As we went from grade school, to jr. high and high school, we continued to play, and I would win each time, of course.  But Alex practiced, and practice some more.  Eventually, he got better, and the matches became closer and closer, until one day… he actually beat me.

I couldn’t believe it.  Out of the entire history of our feud, it had to be an anomaly!  But a few months later, we played again, and sure enough, he won again, and the next time… and the time after that.  It was official.  He had taken the Ken Griffey Jr. crown, and there was nothing I could do about it.  And for the next several years, well into our adult lives, I did not beat him.  Alex had developed a respectable win streak, that is, until my bachelor party…

After what could be described as an eventful weekend in Vegas with a solid crew, Alex and I were the last ones left standing.  Our bags were packed, and there was less than an hour before we had to check out of our room. “You up for one more game of Griffey,” asked Alex, having strategically brought his SNES classic with him so we could have a match or two. I was a bit reluctant, for I had just been embarrassed with a loss in front of the likes of Austin Moody, Josh Ulrich, and Mike Masters the night before, resulting in a lost bet in which I was forced to drink copious amounts of alcohol against my will.  However, I out of honor and respect, I could not say no.

I grabbed the controller, hunkered into position, my eyes narrowed and my postured leaned towards the TV, and as the Major League soundtrack started playing, I locked into focus, vowing that this would be the day the streak ends.  My pitches were strategic and effective at producing outs, but so were his.  Every time I escaped an inning without allowing him a run, he’d return the favor and deny me the pleasure of scoring.  We went back and forth in a defensive clinic of a game that went into extra innings.  But that morning, one of the lasts as a bachelor, I did it.  It took nearly a perfectly pitched game, but in stunning fashion, I had once again beaten the champion with a score of 2-1.

I’ll never forget that day

Now, it may very well be the last time I ever do it, but at least I proved that it could be done, and it won’t ever stop me from trying again in the future.  As the years turn to decades and our families grow, our exhibitions will undoubtedly become less and less frequent.  And much to my chagrin, he’ll probably continue to having the great pleasure of watching me swear and freak out, as is customary with my video game habits.  But even though we live thousands of miles apart, we’ll still find a way to battle.  And we’ll still be rocking out to the killer soundtrack until we turn old and gray.

And each time we play, you can bet your ass the emotions will be just as tense as they were that Saturday in 1994 at the Cub Scout Den Meeting.

Click here for Part 2 of the list.

-Grizzly Chadams

The Jimmy John’s Bathroom is Absolutely Amazing!

Desperate times call for desperate situations, and in a world where TP has become the number one commodity, some people will do anything just to get their hands on a couple rolls.

Not gonna lie, it’s a little scary out there.

Thankfully, we have good people in the TP making business who are busting their essential asses to ensure the rest of us have clean colons at night.  If you see one of those fine people (shout out to my friends at Clearwater Paper), buy them a beer.  Or better yet, buy them several.

Despite their best efforts however, there are still shortages, and if you come across a pack, consider yourself lucky… damn lucky.  And when the day comes where you find yourself suddenly stranded with nothing on the roll, then it’s time for plan B.

Me, I’ve been known to be a public pooper.  I have absolutely no shame in admitting it.  I know some get all freaked out about the proposition, but when it’s go time, I’ll plop my cheeks in a considerable number dwellings, provided it meets the criteria.  And if you just so happen to be at one of these “essential” places and find yourself in a position where you can freshen up between the cheeks, then damn it, you take it like it’s a matter of life or death!

Forget about the current COVID situation for a moment and look at it from an economical perspective.  Every time you plop your cheeks on the potty in public, that’s one less trip you have to make at home and about 55 sheets of TP saved according to the national average (assuming you poo once a day. It’s true! I read it on the internet).  That’s straight-up money in the pocket!  Feeling guilty about upgrading to supersize?  Well don’t, cause you’re about to make that money back in the stall down the hall.  And that’s not the only benefit.  No extra time spent scrubbing or money spent on cleaning supplies—nothing!  In fact, most restaurants pay people to clean those toilets for you.  God bless capitalism!

And listen, I don’t want anybody giving me a hard time for my bathroom habits, for I know damn well that many of you reading this are planning to retire off the money you’ve made sitting on the pot while you’re on the clock.  That is, if you haven’t already.  Some of the greatest professionals out there have made well over 6 figures as chief engineer of the public can, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I’ve made out like a bandit over the years myself.

That being said, while visiting certain establishments, I do urge you to proceed with caution.  Despite my best compliments and the fact that all public bathrooms are equal, George Orwell said it best… some public bathrooms are more equal than others.

And perhaps, one is most equal of all…

***

The day started off on a sore spot as I found out for the first time in my 32 years of existence, I would be wearing glasses full time (It’s official. I’m a freakin’ nerd!).  Things didn’t get any better as I felt a wasteful discharge looming the moment I walked out of the doctor’s office.  “Can I make it back to work in time,” I asked myself.  “Negative, Ghost Rider.”  Much to my chagrin, a Sausage McMuffin and Rockstar energy drink isn’t the most compatible combination for your bowels, and considering the walk from the parking lot to the office, that was a risk I wasn’t willing to take.  “What am I going to do?  I’ll never make it in time!”

Driving down the street, an inviting sign caught my eye.  “Jimmy John’s…” 

That was indeed a possibility, and not a bad one at that.  I mean, it’s crazy how quickly they make their subs.  I remember the first time I bought one, it came out so fast, I freaked!  And the fact that it’s a sub meant I could order my food, receive it in a timely fashion, save it for later, then go use the bathroom, all within a matter of minutes!

See, they even say so on the packaging!

“Dude, why don’t you just use the bathroom before you order the food,” you ask?  Excuse me, but you are a guest of theirs.  How would you feel if I came to your house and instead of saying, “hi, how’s it going,” just went straight to the bathroom to pump a grumpy?  Oh, you wouldn’t like that very much?  Surprise, surprise.  Have the decency to make a purchase before you use their services!  Those guys work hard enough as it is making those freaky fast subs!  They don’t need any more anxiety on top of that!  Gosh… no respect.

…Now I lost my train of thought.  Thanks a lot!  Where was I?

Oh yea… So, I had to take a dump, really bad.  Time was of the essence, and if I didn’t act fast, it would be Armageddon in my pants.  “Jimmy John’s… as in, ‘The John’.  Is this a sign?”  Well, quite literally, yes, that was a sign, a big one at that.

There were benefits, after all.  I would finally have the chance to relieve myself, and I would have lunch made and ready to go for later.  The reward far outweighed the risk, a no-brainer if you asked me.  And chances were, being that it was only 10 AM, I wouldn’t even have to wait in line.  So, it was settled.

I went in for the big dirty.

“Hello, I’d like an Italian Nightclub, TBO,” I told the cashier with determination.  He wasted no time with the transaction going straight to work, just the type of go-to attitude I like to see in a young entrepreneur.  The kid was going places, that was for damn sure.

As expected, my sandwich came out freakin’ fast, and so far, everything was being executed to plan.  He even made it TBO, just like I asked.

Time out. You don’t know what TBO means?  If you don’t get TBO, then the mayo makes all the meat slide out of your sandwich when you take a bite and… listen I don’t have time to explain everything.  Just do it.  There are much more important matters to discuss!

TBO – Tear Bread Out.  SMDH… such a rookie.

Sorry, back to the story.  Next stop, the bathroom.  Vacant, the sign said.  Everything was aligning perfectly into place, like it was truly meant to be.  Cautiously, I entered the bathroom.  Here goes nothing…

Now, I don’t recall what I did that day I fell off the rock, and I don’t know when I officially became best friends with Austin Moody, but like the first time Forrest Gump every laid eyes on Jenny, I do remember the first time I set foot in the sweetest, most beautiful public bathroom in the whole wide world…

I couldn’t help but stare… stare in awe while the threat of poopy pants lingered.  I’ve been in a fancy joint with a sparkling bathroom, and believe me, I’ve been in plenty of bathrooms with personality, but very rarely do you see a perfect, aesthetic combination of both.  Heck, I’ll be totally honest, this was the very first time it ever happened!  Any other day, I would’ve stood for hours in wonder, happily crapping myself in the process.  Only the fear of committing a defiling act in such a sacred space led me closer to the toilet.

I hugged the wall, shamelessly observing the many placards that were displayed, a showcase of urination styles depending on personality type.  “They really nailed it on the head here,” I thought to myself, as I saw many of those different traits within myself, and recognized a few other characters as well.

Now that’s hilarious!
I gotta say, there’s a little bit of me in each of these.
I think we’ve all been here after a rough night at the bar…
The Ben Woodward, heheh.

I gotta say, I really like Jimmy’s since of humor!  I bet we’d be best buds if we ever met.  Hopefully someday, we will.

And once I arrived at the golden throne I was quite pleased with the appearance.  The toilet seat was clean, dry, and had no signs of those small, dried puddles of urine you’d often see at your typical bathroom.  Even the better maintained ones seem to miss the mark when it comes to those small driblets.

Observation two: no signs of fecal matter anywhere in sight.  Nothing is more disgusting than walking into a stall only to find somebody had lobbed a grenade, leaving shrapnel splattered across the bowl for the next person to observe.  Good luck flushing that away!  Or even worse, you find the ones where the previous tenant seemed to have wiping issues, as if their sphincter also served as a paper shredder, leaving a giant, unflushable wad of shredded TP in the middle of the bowl.  I never understood how somebody could sleep at night knowing they made a mess of such magnitude for somebody else to clean up.  No kidding, the things I’ve seen over the years have been quite bothersome, so much so that I even wrote a screenplay about it (fyi, if anybody is interested in making a movie, HMU at grizzlychadams@protonmail.com).

Alright, enough with the gory details.  The point is, with no need to fret about the condition of the toilet, I assumed the position to some much-cherished relief, hanging my head in content.  “Boy, I could just sit here for hours, thinking about life, the universe—speaking of the universe, what’s this?”

My feet sat upon a placard of sorts, the type you would see for a dedication, though it was difficult to determine exactly what I was looking at, thanks to my newly impaired eyesight.  “I suppose if I were to have a public toilet dedicated to me, this would be the one, but whatever it is, they must’ve spent some good money on it.  Just look at the quality of that metal!”  It was quite a dedication.  No.. not a dedication, but a list of facts.  Facts about… Uranus?

Reading interesting facts about the planets while you poo, what a novel concept!  Check out some of these facts.  “Uranus is windy and can blow at 450 MPH.”  I had no idea!  Imagine being caught in a Uranus wind storm.  No thanks.  And how about this one, “You would not be able to sit on Uranus because it has such a low density,” which is crazy, because I always assumed that the density of Uranus was quite high!

Imagine being a 4th grader assigned to write a report on a planet of your choice.  Maybe you felt royally screwed with the last pick of the draft after all the other kids went the “cool” planets like Mars or Jupiter, leaving you with Uranus.  What are you going to do?  Then, you happen to drop into your local Jimmy Johns, and viola, your report is laying literally right in front of you!  All that time you would’ve spent doing research can now be spent playing video games!  It doesn’t get any better than that!

It was a bit heartbreaking knowing it was time to clean up the deuce residue.  I feel a little weird saying this, but I was actually enjoying myself, and that’s saying something given how dreadful a trip to the bathroom can be if the conditions aren’t up to standard or if there’s a premature break.  But just like the marriage of Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, all good things must come to an end.

I reached for the roll to begin the process of—whoa, what is this?  Double ply all the way… in a public restroom?

Such luxury is unheard of in a fast food joint like this.  But once again, where others like them would be tempted to cut corners, Jimmy John’s has risen to the occasion.  Incredible.

And talk about a powerful flush!  They must have customized those crappers, cause I had never seen so much swirling suction going through a toilet, excluding airplane lavatories, and those things just straight up scare the crap out of me, literally!  No wonder they have no problems with left over debris!

Oh, but I can hear all the environmental wackos already complaining.  “Ughz, what a waste of water!”  I say quite the contrary.  Think of it this way.  On a typical day, I got about a 50/50 chance of leaving skid marks each time I unload on the John.  And as a married man, leaving that type of artwork for your wife is not only unsexy, it simply isn’t an option.  Thus, you find yourself flushing twice, even three times just to get rid of the evidence.  And God forbid you have one of those sissy European toilets that do half flushes.  You’d never survive!

Listen guys, it’s not that hard of a concept.  All I’m saying is make the investment.  Put in quality work the first time, and you won’t have to go back later to fix your mistakes.  You’d be surprised the amount of time, effort, resources, and most importantly, moolah you’ll save.

And no, I did not film the flushing process like many would have liked me to.  Sorry to say, but this is a family friendly blog, and that those types of images have not business being in a post like this!  If you want dirty, immature content, then I’m sorry, but this blog is not the place for you.

Keep it clean, that’s my motto.

“But why didn’t you just flush it again to show us the proof?”  Hey, you know me, I’m not an uptight person by any stretch.  But I can’t justify wasting a perfectly good flush just for the sake of my blog, especially after all that Jimmy Johns has done for me.  It wouldn’t be right, and well below the set of standards grizzlychadams.com upholds to.  So instead, I simply washed my hands and made my way for the door, sandwich in hand.

But I couldn’t let this experience go to waste.  “This deserves proof of sorts… a memory.”  I whipped my camera out.  I had to.  You don’t pass up the chance to capture a pivotal moment in life like this.

Just like the Nikki Minaj song, “I wish that I could have this moment for life…”

My head held high, I walked out of the restaurant with a sense of pride that day.  In my hand was a tasty sandwich and on my face was a permanent smile that not even the likes of Jay Cutler could remove.  I entered my car and drove into work; fully confident I would have a productive day.

And that’s just it.  When it comes down to it, a bathroom experience can make or break your day.  It can be the difference between a job promotion or meeting that goes off the rails.  It amazes me how often this phenomenon goes overlooked in today’s society, considering how often we drop the kids off at the pool.  Something like a clean wipe on the first try or a complete intestinal evacuation can leave you feeling elated, as if you had just received a gift from God.  It’s something very few businesses outside of Jimmy John’s truly appreciate I’ve come to realize.  Simply put, they go above and beyond to make sure your experience lasts, long after you leave the restaurant.

So, in this time of stay at home orders and quarantining, where food delivery is almost a way of life, consider supporting your local Jimmy John’s, if only for the bathrooms alone.  We’ll need them when things get back to normal, cause when you’re in a pinch, they’ll always be there to support you.

Especially at times like these.

The Quarantine Blues

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a little sick of this Coronavirus.  Like, not sick as in I need a ventilator or because I drank too many Corona’s last night, but I mean, it’s really puttin’ a drag on my style!  First, they shut down the pub.  Then, they went after the gym.  And now, the Governor’s telling me to stay at home!?

Yea, that governor…

I’ve never seen our nation’s capital so lonely…

On a brighter note, I suppose nobody’s complaining about the DC traffic these days.

And honestly, if you asked, I’d say we’re managing.  I still have enough stock in the fridge to make plenty of servings of my favorite quarantine dish, of which I would highly recommend, especially for those of you on a budget!  No kidding, you can create this delicacy south of $3.00!  That’s a steal these days!

It’s also given me the chance to become reacquainted with my old friend, television.  FYI, 1917 and the Peanut Butter Falcon—great flicks.  47 Meters Down: Uncaged and Good Burger—not so much.  Actually, Good Burger pissed me off a little bit, but I’ll rant all about that at a later date.

It’s a blessing and a curse, the ol’ tube.  Living in a single bedroom in the city, TV privileges must be negotiated with the ol’ lady, and I fear my worst fear has been realized.  She, to my ultimate demise, has recently discovered her new favorite reality show, Very Cavaleri.  Not only is there a lot of seasons to catch up on, but she is insistent that I watch it.  Normally, I’d easily acquiesce to the request as I often do with shows like Vanderpump Rules, except it costars her husband, aka, one of the worst human being’s in the world.

Smokin’ Jay Cutler.

I’m sure some of you are asking, “How bad can Jay Cutler actually be?”  Let me put it this way.  If I had to rank the 10 worst human beings of all time, Adolf Hitler being #1 and Osama Bin Laden being #10, Jay Cutler would easily land himself a #7 spot by the most conservative of estimates.

It’s bad enough that I had to watch him play for the Bears.  And now, I’m forced to watch him in reality?  Is it a coincidence that Trump recently labeled gun stores as “essential?”

If you want my honest opinion about Smokin’ Jay’s reality TV career, I’d some it up as one small pain in the ass for a man, one giant travesty to mankind!

Ok, let’s not jump to conclusions, but you can understand how such a predicament can put a strain on a relationship.   And with the new season of Real Housewives of the Potomac still two months out, it isn’t going to get any easier anytime soon.  There is a silver lining, however.  If we can survive until then, then I think we can survive anything.

All I have to do is survive. Two more months…

But I’m afraid the weenie is taking it the worst.  I try to shower him with love whenever I can, and at first, it was working.  We used to be like two peas in a pod.

But I fear he’s taken social distancing to a whole new level.  Often, he lashes out like an angst-ridden teenager unable to escape from the constant and close proximity of his parents.  It seems as though his aggressive behavior has taken a turn for the worst, as the usual whining for food has quickly evolved into threats and attacks.

I worry about him.  I can see the pain and feel the anger every time he chases me around the house, something that occurs at least once a day.  Our only hope is that it eases up very soon, but that depends on the easing of this stupid beer bug, which from the looks of it, ain’t goin’ away anytime soon.

So, what does one do at times like these?  How does one keep himself sane when the world is holding you back?  How does one cope with the threat of indefinite quarantine?

There was a time… yes, once upon a time, where I had a dream, a treasure trove of thoughts, ideas, and stories to unleash upon the world.  A dream like Dr. King’s, not quite as ambitions, but a dream no less to grace the world with these stories.

Unfortunately, to my own discredit, Grizzly Chadams has fallen off the bandwagon the past few months.  With a heavy workload, the role of Infrastructure Committee Chairman, and a full-time husband and adopted owner to a Dachshund, it seems I had put my dreams on hold. Heck, let’s not beat around the bush, I’m a busy guy!  Think about it… everyday I have to wake up, brush my teeth, get dressed, go to work, go to the bathroom a few times, cook and eat a few more, go out for a run, spend time with the wife and weenie, watch some Real Housewives—that’s a lot to do all in one day!  And that’s not even counting if things go wrong, like I step in dog poop, have to go to the grocery store, or dislocate my knee!

But during times like these, we all have to step up.  Think of all the medical workers working the long hours, the delivery dudes getting food to everybody, or people like my mom who are in their sewing room making masks, and let us not forget all the good people working at the TP factories around the country.  I know a few personally from Lewiston Idaho doing their part to keep our colon’s clean.  The fine people at Clearwater Paper making the sacrifice won’t go unnoticed—not on my watch.  And one thing’s for sure, I’m definitely buying all their asses a beer next time I see em’!

Knowing I’m not as important as those people, I can at least do my part not to be a total turd during this whole thing.  And really, for a lot of us, not being a turd means not squandering the opportunity to do the things we always wanted to do, but couldn’t because of the lack of hours in the day.  For me, I suppose that’s getting back on track clearing the backlog of blogs I have up in the ol’ noggin.  And believe me, I got a lot of em’ to share, including pristine conditions of your typical Jimmy John’s bathroom, the perfect symmetry of a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, and the overrated nature of pop culture entities, such as Chipotle, celebrities like John Legend and Chrissy Tegan, Marvel movies, and Ernest Hemingway (and don’t worry, I won’t forget about the underrated things, like Two and a Half Men).

Bottom line, don’t forget about your dreams.  There’s a little bit of Grizzly Chadams in all of us, so unleash it unto the world and do what you were meant to do!  Stay tuned, cause you got a lot of blogging coming your way.

Grizzly Chadams is back!

My Top 10 “Other” Christmas Songs

Photo by David Beale on Unsplash

The finish line is in sight.  Christmas is merely days away, and the anticipation just keeps building!  And I for one, am looking for all the Christmas cookies, Christmas presents, Christmas dinners, Christmas parties, Christmas lights, Christmas fights, Christmas traditions of getting hammered with your friends at the bar, Christmas blackouts—hold on, too much information, heheh.

And last but not least, the Christmas music… oh, how I love the music this time of year.  The constant injection of Christmas tunes into your audiological veins that keeps you juiced up for the entire season; your blood shot eyes staying set on the prize, another sleepless night from the horror that is the little drummer boy, commanding you to keep marching, keep stumbling from store to store like a zombie as the sound of screaming children blasts through one ear and the perpetual pulse of Mariah Carey’s voice drives through the other.  “Keep marching.  Keep shopping.  KEEP ON CHRISTMASING!!!”

Bottom line, I’m looking forward to it all!  That is, if I don’t end up in the insane asylum before the big man comes to town.

Everywhere you go, it’s Christmas music, Christmas music, and even more Christmas music!  And don’t get me wrong, most of these are great tunes!  But we could really use some variety from the 25th rendition of John Lennon’s “So this is Christmas,” or another Michael Bublé cover.  And after the 10,259th time of listening to Mariah Carey’s “All I want to for Christmas,” the lyrics eerily start to sound a lot like, “I don’t want a lot for Christmas, I just want to blow my brains out…”  It’s like there’s already a spike in suicides this time of year.  Why make it any worse?

By the way, does anybody actually like the Little Drummer Boy song?  I’m sorry to any fans, but talk about BOOOOOOORING!!!  Why are we insistent to listening to this pile of lameness every year when there’s actually some other good songs out there?  I say it’s time for some change, a break from the monotony of the same 5 songs over and over again.  So, here are my top 10 “other” Christmas songs that you can put on your next Christmas playlist in order to avoid the nuthouse for at least one more year.

10. The Kinks – Father Christmas

A silly and satirical piece on the true meaning of Christmas in the eyes of a child.  A time of giving?  A time for sharing?  To be thankful for everything we have?  Naw, this song cuts through all that crap.  Of course, the smarter ones put on a good showing, but in the end, all every kid is looking for is the big payday that occurs on 12/25.  And who better to give us this blunt reminder than the classic rock quartet who rose to stardom with a song about almost going home with a transvestite?

9. Weird Al Yankovic – Christmas at Ground Zero

I promise, I have some more serious songs on this list as well, so bear with me.  But here’s another satirical piece that serves as a homage to the dawn of the nuclear age with the red scare and the constant threat of nuclear holocaust!  Well, being that I wasn’t alive back then, I can’t actually attest to the threats and feelings of the time, but I love the throwback, and I find the outlook of nuclear energy through the eyes of the public during the 50’s and 60’s quite fascinating, as well as how it was portrayed through the media.

8. Darlene Love – All Alone on Christmas

Of course, she’s most famous for her “CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAS” song, which is a great tune, but can be overplayed during this time of year, only to be beat by Mariah’s song.  However, here’s another song of hers that has the same energy, but can come off as a bit fresher, mostly because it isn’t constantly ringing into your skull while you’re standing in line at the local Macy’s.  Oh, and it also has the boss.

Photo by Jose Antonio Gallego Vázquez on Unsplash

No, not that boss.  This boss.

7. Dropkick Murphy’s – The Season’s Upon Us

Another silly piece that describes Christmas more in the National Lampoon’s sense.  Family’s aren’t perfect, and if we’re honest with ourselves, this time of year can involve a lot more stress, mayhem, and putting up with insufferable family members than the calmness and peace on Earth that is falsely preached to us.  But if you look back at all those “disaster” Christmases, chances are that you wouldn’t have it any other way.  It’s your family.  It’s what makes you unique, and at the end of the day, it’s why you love them as well as this time of year.

6. Jackson 5 – I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause

I don’t know if it’s because I was a white kid from Eastern Washington or what, but I had never had heard this rendition until recently.  And I was perplexed to find that our 7-year-old neighbors had never heard the song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause” in any capacity, for the name itself gave them quite the chuckle.

Now that I think of it, this song hasn’t been getting the play time it deserves during the Christmas season, no matter what version it is.  Regardless, Michael Jackson, still in his innocence, exemplifies the spirit of this song better than anybody else I’ve ever heard as a young buck catching his mom smoochin’ with the big man.  The 70’s Motown vibe it brings and Michael’s remarkable vocals puts the icing on the cake.  Oh, and the chitter chatter between the kids between versus adds a nice touch as well.

5. The Royal Guardsman – Snoopy’s Christmas

A simple rock classic from the days of the British Invasion that takes us into the world of the cartoon classic Snoopy as a World War I fighter against the Red Baron.  Though there doesn’t seem to be much to this tune and the concept is rather outlandish, the driving rhythm and the flow of the lyrics is surprisingly pleasing.  It all seems to roll together seamlessly, and in the end, your left with a smile on your face and the urge to listen again and again.  And strangely enough, when I showed this to my father, I was met with excitement as it brought back memories of him listening to this with his brothers as a kid.

4. Weird Al Yankovic – The Night Santa Went Crazy

The second Weird Al song on this list, and for good reason.  Weird Al is a comedic and musical genius.  The ideas he comes up with are like that of a prodigy, and his lyrical selections and execution are masterful.  “The Night Santa Went Crazy,” is no exception to this, and Mr. Yankovic expertly takes the grim concept of Santa going into his workshop in a drunken rage and slaughtering everybody in sight and turns it into a hilarious bit that has you laughing throughout.  I recommend giving this song at least a listen, and even if the subject matter isn’t quite to your liking, you can at least appreciate the talent that is Weird Al Yankovic.

3. Amy Grant – Tender Tennessee Christmas

2. Amy Grant – Grown-up Christmas List

In our family, Amy Grant was the queen of Christmas, and there was only one album to be played during this time—hers.  And to be honest, she actually had a good rendition of original Christmas songs, too.  Here are two of her originals, which bring back cherished memories of the Christmas season as a young boy in the corner of south eastern Washington.

Unfortunately, our Amy Grant Christmas CD suffered one too many scratches and was rendered unplayable many years back.  And for some sad reason, I can’t seem to find that particular album anywhere, which had a most superior mix of songs.  However, I am forever grateful I could at least be blessed with her oratorical beauty for at least a part of my life.  And there’s always hope that I recreate the mix later down the road someday.

The Killers – A Great Big Sled

I don’t know if anything gets me more excited for the Christmas season than this song.  “A Great Big Sled” summarizes the joy of the Christmas season.  Running around in the snow, getting excited for ripping open all our Christmas presents—the whole gambit.  Understanding that the excitement and feelings of the Christmas season fade as you get older and the sad reality that grown-ups lose the magic of the season, it encourages us to recapture those feelings of when we were young and to take some time to enjoy the season for what it is; to take some time to remember what it was like to be a kid on Christmas and how awesome that was.  And maybe, we can pass the spirit along to our kids someday, so they too can carry the torch that is the Christmas tradition.

So, there you have it.  A couple of tools to battle against the awfulness that commercial America burns into our ears this time of year.  Take this wisdom, go forth, and conquer this Christmas.  You may just survive to see another one.

Merry Christmas from Grizzly Chadams!

Christmas 2019: The Year of the Crappy Commercial

Photo by hue12 photography on Unsplash

I understand coming up with a good commercial can be a difficult task.  You have 30 seconds at the most to introduce your product/service, explain what it does, and convince an audience, who is already annoyed that their regularly scheduled programming has been interrupted, to buy said product/service.  But that’s what people get paid big bucks for.  To sell products through advertisement, despite the challenges.  And over the years, we’ve actually been blessed with some Christmas classics.  Remember the M&M guys?

And what about the Coca-Cola polar bears?  Another use of cutting edge technology (well, for its time…) to push a beloved American product.

Oh, how I miss the old 90’s computer animation…

Both are simple and heartwarming, and in the case of the M&M’s, humorous.  At the time they came out, they were recognizable, leaving a lasting impression for years to come.  And I’m not a market researcher or anything, but I’m guessing they sold a few products as a result.

So, what does 2019 bring? Surely, an uptick in quality. And with so many good examples, with such a solidified formula for success, you should at least be average, right?

Wrong.

It’s like in 2019, they decided to ignore the most basic concept of marketing: determine who your target audience is, or “who is most likely to buy this product,” and build your commercial around that. I mean, it doesn’t take an advanced physics degree to figure that one out. Take this old 90’s commercial for the board game “Crossfire” for instance:

Clearly it’s a game that appeals to young boys, and the commercial takes advantage of the fact.  Two kids, or two “cool kids” clad in leather jackets float on hover boards while gearing up for an epic battle.  Yes, it’s corny, but as a 7-year-old kid, it was intense. It was radical It had rockin’ theme song, and upon seeing it, the words that came out of my mouth were, “…I want that.”

In other words, it did its job.  It worked.

Or how about another golden rule: don’t piss off the people who might buy your product!

None of which apply to the following…

Exhibit A:  Mercedes-Benz.

Just the smug look on this kid’s face gives me the urge to deliver a knuckle sandwich!

Here we have a kid who catches Chris Cringle in the act of leaving his presents under the tree.  Now, what would your average, modest kid do if he saw Santa?  “Oh Santa, I’m your biggest fan!  Thank you so much for all the presents.  You’re the best!”

What does this kid do?  This little A-hole decides he’s going to blackmail Santa into giving away his “sled,” aka a new Mercedes-Benz Coup.

For starters, kids may think they’re smart, but they aren’t.  Sorry, but they haven’t had a job, paid taxes, been dumped by a babe, or learned any of those “life lessons.”  But let’s play along and assume he really did think this was a good idea. “So, let me get this straight.  Here’s a guy who flies around, breaks into people’s houses and leaves presents for me every year.  And you’re going to screw with him and prevent all the other kids from getting gifts, because you’re a selfish turd?  You really think that’s a good idea?  Gee, that’ll sure keep you off the naughty list for life!”

Actually, it sort of reminds me of a certain scene from a certain super hero movie…

Think, Timmy.  Think.

And to make matters worse, Santa totally capitulates!  Like, really?  Santa Claus, a man with mythical powers, who has somehow figured out how to get to every child’s house in the world in one night, gets outsmarted by this twerp?  What an insult to our intelligence!  I don’t care how jolly Santa is, he’s still a man–a bad ass mother who don’t take crap from nobody!

But really, what adult in their right mind would take crap from a chubby bastard like that!  In fact, this is a more accurate version of how Santa would react:

“Listen you little shit.  You best delete that picture and crawl your ass into bed before Old Saint Nick becomes a lot less jolly shoves a pound of coal up your ass!”  Or better yet, he’ll go all Pulp Fiction on his medieval ass.  “What does Santa look like?  Does Santa look like a bitch?  Answer me!  Say what… Say what one more time!  I dare ya!”

Warning: explicit language and violence!

Hmm, that’s actually not a bad parody… something that would make people laugh, something that might actually get people to buy your product.  Maybe, if I were Saturday Night Live, or better yet, a competing car company, I’d take advantage of the situation, just maybe…

And what the hell is a kid going to do with a car?  Not that Mercedes doesn’t make nice vehicles, and as the owner of a Mercedes-Benz, I can attest to its quality, but what the hell good does getting a present you can’t use do?  So, congratulations kid, you just got daddy a new car in which he’ll get hammered and drive to see his mistress before crashing into the median and getting slapped with a DUI, further tearing the family apart.  A bit harsh, you say?  Apparently, selfishness and screwing people over are values practiced in that household!

And does this commercial appeal to adults?  You know, the demographic that might actually be able to afford a Mercedes?  No.  This is a kid’s commercial, and I’m not anymore convinced that I should be buying a Mercedes over another car after watching this garbage.

Sorry Mercedes, but you really missed the mark on this one.

Exhibit B: The girl with the Microsoft Surface

It starts out innocent enough, thinking there will be a sweet ending with this cute little girl.  Then, she makes contact with the reindeer, using the tablet to communicate.  Quite a touching scene. “Boy, you can’t really go wrong from there.”

WRONG!!!

Suddenly, she turns into a treacherous little snoot and starts barking out orders.  “How do you guys fly!?  What does Santa do in the summer?!  Tell me!  I demand answers!”  Like, buzz off you little snot!  And calm your ass down.  Santa’s reindeer don’t have to put up with that crap!  Man, if my mom would’ve ever heard me talk to others with that type of attitude, you’d bet your ass it’d be a date with the spanking stick!  For good reason too!  The lack of disrespect in these kids today just blows my mind!  And no sense of patience either.  Just terrible!

Lucky for us, they cut the commercial right then and there, cause the next words out of the reindeer’s mouth would be, “I don’t have time for this shit,” seconds before they proceed to goring her for being such a brat.

The sad part is, this commercial had potential, by relaying the power that the Microsoft Surface has.  Unfortunately, you’re left with a bad taste in your mouth.  And to think I was about ready to make the shift back to Microsoft after years of being an Apple man.  Like, seriously, can I get a #SMDH up in here?

Exhibit C: The Snow Brawl.

Now, as a kid, I would love this commercial, a snowball fight full of unpredictable action and excitement.  It sparks the child’s imagination and gets them hyped for an epic showdown of their own!  Pretty much a mini Michael Bay movie.

Only problem is, it’s not a kid’s commercial!

Now, this isn’t a terrible by any stretch, for I can watch this as an adult and understand the filming capabilities of the iPhone.  And it’s definitely well shot, but again, to reiterate the point, they could’ve done better at defining their target audience to sell more of their product, the most important job of any commercial.

On top of that, if you’re a parent who’s going to buy their kid a brand new iPhone 11, you may want to rethink your parenting strategy.

Now, normally, I would see commercials like this, and say “well, that’s dumb,” and move on with my life.  No need to get worked up over things I can’t control. But then came the outrage…

Exhibit D: The “infamous” Peloton commercial.

A kid leads her mom down the stairs for a special Christmas reveal.  “Look mommy, me and daddy got you a Peloton for Christmas!”  She’s blown away, for that’s quite the gift.  She then begins her first workout a bit nervous, for if you’ve ever started your first anything that involves working out, spinning class, yoga, jiu jitsu, etc., the first time can be a little intimidating.  But then she does it, and is comfortable with it, keeps doing it, see’s results, meets her goals, and in the end, her and the husband are reflecting on the couch, watching her videos and reflecting on the work she’s done.  And guess what, they are pleased.

Now, this won’t be a commercial we remember for the ages, but at least Peloton did their homework on this one.  They found a target demographic, adults who have families and busy schedules who are looking for a convenient way to get a good workout in.  And low and behold, here is a device that allows you to have a workout class in the comfort of your own home at a time that’s convenient for them, without the need to travel back and forth to the studio.

In summary, they found a target audience and marketed to them accordingly.  Congratulations Peloton, a solid B effort.

But guess what?  People seemed to lose their freaking minds!  “I can’t believe the husband is forcing his already rail thin wife to work out!” or “This commercial is fat shaming!” or “Look at how miserable she is that she has to exercise,” was just a glimpse of the commentary.  And this isn’t an exaggeration.  Story after story has popped up all over my social media, the mob taking over to shame this abominable commercial out of existence! IT MUST BE DESTROYED!!!

Why, just a quick search for “Peloton” on the web yielded the following results:

And FYI, these screen shots were taken from the top of the page, first search, one day ago

So, this is the commercial America is getting worked up over?  A husband buying a workout machine for his wife?  Not the fact that we have commercials encouraging kids to act like brats, which actually may have negative behavior effects?  What the hell is going on out here?

Is it that inconceivable that there are women out there who actually want to work out, enjoy working out, and would love to have something like a Peloton?  Heck, my sister, a very successful working mother has a Peloton, and although I didn’t ask her why, I think it’s safe to assume that one of the reasons is that she values being in shape.

And is it out of the realm of possibilities that spouses communicate with each other in a loving, positive way to encourage each other to workout?  My wife and I certainly do, and guess what? We also talk about our fitness goals.  Why?  Not only do I want to look good for her because I love her and she doesn’t deserve somebody who looks like a slob, but also because I want to make sure I stay healthy for the years to come (And for those of you who are thinking, “what about all those McRibs you eat,” trust me, I run extra hard to make sure to factor those in).  And maybe she feels the same.  And maybe, just maybe, this couple in the commercial had a conversation that went along the lines of, “You know, I want to work out more, but it is difficult with the kids, work, traffic and all.  Having something like a Peloton would help me get back to the shape I’d like to be.”

Whoa!  What a concept!

And kudos to a man who buys a Peloton for his wife because she wants to work out more.   Cause those things ain’t cheap! 

And look, in some ways I get it.  You don’t work out, you don’t have a family, or maybe you have the time to go to the gym on a regular basis.  No harm, no foul, this commercial simply doesn’t appeal to you.  So, what’s the next logical step?  Say, “ok, looks like I don’t need to buy a Peloton,” and then… then… get this. You move on with your life.

But for some reason, people have the need to go out and berate the company with the goal of total destruction.  We have to assume that this guy is a total jackhole of a husband who demands his wife slave away on the Peloton for the sole purpose of looking sexy for him!  We have to get outraged to the point where we create several news stories about it!  Like, really?  Are people’s lives’ that miserable that they need to take that misery out on others?

Speaking of Misery, heheh…

This is why we can’t have nice things!  We get all pissed off about a guy buying his wife a Peloton, so we get crap commercials like the little punk blackmailing Santa.  We have to put up with bratty snoots talking down to Santa’s reindeer.

Oh, and guess what? If all that wasn’t bad enough, we have another terrible Star Wars movie coming out! Remember what happened last time (Disney has officially ruined Star Wars)? I can only imagine how bad this one’s going to be. WHY MUST YOU TAKE EVERYTHING THAT IS SACRED TO US AND CRAP ALL OVER IT JAR JAR ABRAMS? ESPECIALLY ON CHRISTMAS!? ESPECIALLY WHEN–

You know what, screw this.  Christmas is cancelled!  Good ol’ Grizzly Chadams ruined Chirstmas, again!

I’m going back to Thanksgiving for my beans.  My greens.  Potato.  Tomato.  Back to a time when the world was at peace, if only for a moment.  Where we didn’t have to put up with any of this crap!

YOU NAME IT!!!

How to Clean Your Conscience: Epilogue

August 26, 2019

I listened to an old album from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs the other day.  I have been fond of the three-piece trio since the first time I listened to their emotional rock ballad “Maps” in college, but it’s their album “It’s Blitz!” that is nearest and dearest to me.  As with all albums, the replay value fades over time, and it had been years since I listened to it.  But a recent blog post that revisited some of my old, homemade skate videos retriggered it.  Consequently, it began playing itself over and over again in my head, a phenomenon that would continue and drive me further into madness until I’d decide to confront it.

As I walked toward the metro for my evening commute from work, I popped in my earphones and shuffled through my musical albums until I settled a picture of flying yoke from a crushed egg.  It would be a major deviation from my usual routine of watching Fantasy Football draft prep videos on YouTube, a late summer obsession I had developed, fueling my deeper obsession of beating Mike Gibson this year.  Yet, it was a deviation that felt absolutely necessary.  I stepped onto the green line, found an open seat, and pressed play.

A driving, electronic beat drove into my ears, and immediately I was taken back. I was a young 23-year-old on the brink of moving to Seattle.  My head was buzzed, my flannel collection was growing at a rapid pace, and I had but two desires—to skateboard and party.  As I shut my eyes, I could feel my heart pump with the energy I once had as lead singer Karen Oh’s voice opened the first verse, building the anticipation towards the beat drop.  My life consisted of counting down the days until the 2009 Sasquatch music festival, waiting for work to end so I could get my daily fix of skateboarding in at the local skatepark, and working for the weekend to get to Seattle for whatever ridiculousness I could pull off with Ben Woodward.  It was an exciting time, my first glimpse of adulthood, my first real taste of freedom, and I had the world at my fingertips.

The chorus played out until there was a break in the beat mixed with random synth blips and guitar strokes.  It signaled chaos, confusion; the calm before the storm.  I braced for it, a beat drop I had heard and yearned for on many occasions. And as the synthesizer released a high pitch squeal and the beat blasted back into play with the advent of the second verse, I reopened my eyes with illusion that I was ready to take on the world once again.

Fast-forward. My flannel collection has been replaced with dress shirts, my hair is grown and styled to form a business-friendly part, and I now have a pair of glasses that accompany my few dustings of gray hair.  In the past, my heart may have filled with despair, for part of nostalgia is grasping with the fact that you’ll never have that time back. And in many ways, the Zack of 10 years ago would’ve despised the Zack he had become.  But for some reason, on that day, things were different.  I was at peace with the past, at ease with the present, and optimistic of the future.

Who knows if I’ll ever have another chance travel across the United States with one of my best friends again.  If I did, I certainly wouldn’t be able to recapture the silliness of a ghostly possession in Montana or recreate a wild moment like we had at the 1029 bar in Minneapolis, nor would I even attempt to try!  And by miracle of the Holy Father, my brush ins with Josh Ulrich have become surprisingly cordial.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’ll get my opportunities to throw in a dig here and there, and he’ll be sure to do the same (I’d expect nothing less).  In fact, at the time of this writing, I am on my way back from a quick visit Boise, and I had the pleasure of seeing my good buddy Josh.  And let’s just say, we had our fair share of drinks between the two of us (of course I had more… and paid for it as well).

But I no longer crave that type of excitement, at least not on a daily basis. As a married man, my ideal Friday nights consist of relaxing with the wife and the weenie dog, watching a movie with a maybe a cocktail in hand, then turning in early for a head start on the weekend.  For how grueling it can be, I actually treasure my early morning routine of carry our little weenie outside so we don’t wake up to a puddle of piddle on the floor. And I know that someday, I may have my own little army of Zack’s running around, which will open up a whole new realm of adventure.  I can only imagine the memories we’ll create, the heartaches they’ll cause, and the love they’ll bring to this world.  And if that’s not something you can look forward to, then I don’t know what is!

Within the 10 years from which I heard that first driving beat of “It’s Blitz!” to now, there have been many great times coupled with great memories. On the flipside, there has also been a fair share of heartbreaks, lessons learned, and not so good times.  And to be honest, it often feels like those hard times not only outweighed the good times, but lasted longer as well.  I’m not sure if it’s just a trait I’m blessed with however, but human nature seems to have an easier time clinging on to the good times.  And when it’s all said and done, the bad memories seem to fade away in the wake of the cherished ones.

I thank God for that.