Part of being married is learning to compromise. And since that day we said “yes” nearly 2 years ago, we’ve made our fair share of em’. And because we live in the exorbitant real estate market of Washington DC where I have a better chance of finding the Ark of the Covenant than building a man cave, I’ve learned to accept… er, I mean, appreciate some of my wife’s favorite TV shows.
And… now that we’re about to enter year 2 of the pandemic (15 days to flatten the curve my butt!), it just so happens that I can now recite the entire cast of every Real Housewives show on Bravo Channel nearly to heart. Not a fact I’m proud of, but merely a survival mechanism to keep my sanity intact.
Well, it’s a new year, and now it seems that the wife’s interests have turned to another show, this one much more sinister than that time Sonja Morgan got hammered and stomped on the glass table at Ramona’s birthday party on RHONY (and believe me, I have plans to talk about that s*** show in the future).
Yes, for the next few months, we will be watching “The Bachelor” every Monday night… Yippee.
First off, whoever this Bachelor is (Matt whatever), is boring as a dried-up pile of dog crap in the middle of the Gobi Desert. Monotone, no personality, and a complete moron. But apparently, that doesn’t matter to these group of babes, who all think they’re in love with a dude they met just a couple days ago. So, he’s kind of a hunk. Who cares?!?! He literally just stands there like a dingus, and he becomes “the one” to these women. Total bull crap!
Now that we’re a few episodes in, he has to “address” the girls about a “toxic” situation in the house where some girls are talking crap about the others. A little backstory: during one of the previous episodes, out of nowhere, 5 new girls showed up and got to be on the show, and the girls who were there were a little butt hurt about it. Now, putting my feelings about this terrible show aside, I can actually sympathize with the OG’s. It would be like if I were running a mile race, and after the first lap, another group of dudes got to start the race from there with fresh legs. Hell yea, I’d be pissed! And not just pissed, but talkin’ smack as well, because that’s what people do when they’re put in an unfair situation. It’s uh… HUMAN NATURE!
But apparently, this point doesn’t quite get through to our “Bachelor.”
So, there was some huffing and puffing, and one of the old girls said one of the new girls was a ho or prostitute or whatever, so he goes and lectures all of them and gives one of those “this type of behavior won’t be tolerated” types of speeches. Ok, fine and dandy. They have a rose ceremony, he kicks a couple of the babes off, all of which act like they’re sad and hug him except for the one they call Queen Victoria, who essentially tells him to F off (and hey, more power to her), and then they all go on their merry way.
BUT… then, after lecturing this group of hotties about the toxic environment they’ve established in the house, he goes on a couple dates with these girls, and makes out with like 5 of them THE VERY NEXT DAY!!! And believe me, when I say 5, I’m being very generous to this guy, because it’s probably closer to 10. Think about that. This dude has the cahones to reprimand a group of girls who would move heaven and Earth just to get into his pants, then turns right around and starts smoochin’ all of them in front of everybody. Now, alls I know is, if when my wife and I were dating and she saw me smoochin’ with another girl, I’d be in big, BIG trouble (and just for the record, that never ever happened)! And he just openly starts smackin’ on all these girls in front of them? Man, the balls on this guy…
If this were an 80’s John Hughes movie, this dude would be the ultimate teen douche bag that we’d all be rooting against. And the sad part is, even though most of these girls are dumb as hell by the fact that they signed up for this show thinking they’d fall in love, there’s actually a good girl or two, like the little deaf girl who seems like she’s actually really sweet who has to put up with this guy and all his games. How much you want to bet there’s an Anthony Michael Hall type back at home whose heart is being ripped to shreds watching this undeserving a-hole toy with his one, true love?
And don’t get me started when he goes on these one on one dates and they talk about their “insecurities,” along with all the struggles they’ve had in their lives. First off, these girls are in the 1% on the hotness scale for babes. And then, he joins in the action, as if he can relate to their hard-knock life as the hottest girl at their high-school.
It’s like, dude… you’re on a TV show where you get paid to live at a resort and make out with a bunch of girls who are all competing over your nut sack. You can take all your insecurities and shove em’ right up you’re a**!
Now, some may say I’m being a little harsh on the Bachelor. And you would be correct. Yes, to summarize, I am criticizing a no-personality, monotone douche bag who dates multiple women at a time, makes out with them in the open, and leads them on to believe they are the one for him, only to have their hearts eventually broken. Then, on top of all that, he has the nerve to lecture the women he’s dating about creating “toxic” environments for being put in unfair situations, like he’s the ultimate arbiter for morality? Screw that!!!
And how does we reward such degenerate behavior? With copious amounts of money and the entire country wanting a piece of the action, of course!
My prediction for The Bachelor, the girl he picks actually is a prostitute and he gets herpes… at least I hope that’s what happens… But given my luck, he’s probably going to pick the deaf girl, but then screw her over by cheating on her later.