How to Plan a Wedding, Part 3: Beware of the Pervy Ghosts!

News flash: Getting married is pretty awesome.

Take it from me.  I’ve married for two weeks now, so I know what I’m talking about. 

Think about it.  I get to wear this cool ring, I don’t have to work out as much or impress babes with funny jokes anymore, and I get to play video games all I want.  And get this, she still has to love me afterwards!

Seriously though, my Final Fantasy game has been on point lately.

The best part of it all though?  The wedding, hands down.  And not to brag or anything, but my wedding was pretty much the best one I’d ever been to, and you know how much I love weddings (That Time I became Jedi Knight for a Wedding…)!

All the heavy hitters were there.  We’re talkin’ Moody, Masters, Gibson, Bill, Alex, Walker—an all-star cast in itself, not to mention the superstars on the bride’s side.  And I’m not going to lie, there may have been a disparity of looks between the bridesmaids and the groomsmen, but you can be the judge on that.

Bridesmaids. Classy.
Groomsmen. Woof!
That’s better.

First, we had Moody, the best man.  I’ll never forget the first time I ever saw him.  I was a recent 1st Grade transfer student from Northeast Grade School in Meridian Mississippi trying to feel out the waters of Area 1 playground life, when there he was, waddling around the swing set atop the gravel with his arms bent at 90 degrees, legs pointed outward and his sweatshirt tied around his waist.  “Yep!  I just found my new best friend!”

Right then and there, I knew he was the man for the job.

Then there was Alex, another OG from Asotin Grade/Junior/High School (yes, they were all in the same building).  We’ve been through thick and thin, but I almost had to kick him out of the wedding party for bringing his Super Nintendo.  Who does he think he is, beating me in Ken Griffey Jr. on my wedding day?  Dick move if you ask me.

Screw that Ken Griffey Jr. game.

But, he made up for it by providing the pre-wedding beverages, so I let the whole Ken Griffey Jr. thing slide… this time.

#truly’s

You already know about Bill, provided I wrote about a book about him and I, going to a wedding of all things (See the links for Out of the Vein to the left)!  And here’s a little secret between you and me.  Maybe… just maybe, there’s another book in the works.  Stay tuned folks!

And of course, I couldn’t leave Masters out, since he helped me find the venue in the first place (How to Plan a Wedding, Part 1).  Besides, we had to have somebody with an awesome hair cut on my side to balance out the looks a little bit.

Then my buddy Walker was walkin’ around (as he’s been known to do) with this particular beverage called “brown wine.”  Apparently, it’s a delicacy in Canada—fancy stuff, something from the Crown that only the Royals drink, or something like that.  Who knows how he got his hands on it, but holy crap did it make everybody loopy!

Actually, it looks sort of like this stuff…

And sweet Jesus, you should’ve heard Gibson speak.  I was a little worried what he would say after the Fantasy Football Fiasco of 2015, but man, did he deliver like a Billy Graham reincarnate.  The charisma in his voice, the personable tone, the stirring words that came out of his mouth—I was blown away!

Even Gretch and Josh Ulrich were on their best behavior!  I wish I could say the same for Gretch’s mom and KCM, but since they’re my number one fans, I let them knock back the Coors Lights without reservation.

Heck, I was in such a good mood that I even invited Ben Woodward!  And of course he got all foolish on the dance floor with the Stanky Legg, probably the best wedding gift a guy could ever receive!

But wait, save the best for last.  Now, I’m going to be straight with ya, my wife is smokin’ hot!  And when I saw her walk down the aisle for the first time, my heart stopped, my jaw dropped, and I was like, “…whoa.”

And yes, I may have choked up a little bit when I said my vows, which kinda sucks, because I did it in front of Ulrich, and you know he’s not going to let that one go!  I couldn’t help it though.  It was in the name of love.

You could say that it was almost a perfect wedding.  Except for one problem…

There was a stupid ghost creepin’ in our room.

My wife had warned me of such a haunting a day before the wedding, recalling how the room turned mysteriously cold at night, and how she even felt a few taps on the shoulder when she was in the bathroom.  Admittedly, I dismissed the claims, for I had other things on my mind. What did I care?  I was getting married for heaven’s sake!  I wasn’t about to let some silly ghost get in the way of that!

Then came the big day.  Boy, was I excited!

Then anxious, then pissed off (Queue Alex and the Super Nintendo.  Thanks a lot buddy!) but in the end, I settled my nerves, and pulled it off.  We said our I do’s, smooched in front of everybody, and began celebration shortly after!

Wait, who’s Mary Swanson and the Aspen Preservation Society??

The night was full.  We ate cake, danced, drank brown wine and photoboothed (quite a dangerous combination), and smiled and conversed with old friends and family, just the way I had imagined it.  Nearly the perfect end to a perfect day.

And just like that, it was over. So we did what any logical couple would do and went back to the honeymoon suite.

So there we were, alone for the first time as husband and wife.  My mind ran with a deluge of emotions as I gazed into her eyes.  I sensed a strange presence among us, but once again, I dismissed the warning signs.  “It’s probably love, right?

“I love you,” I told her, believing it was the right thing to say as she stood in her wedding dress, looking absolutely stunning.  She said the same and held me close.  I couldn’t believe how lucky I was, here with the woman of my dreams.  Just her and I—

*Click.*

“Wait… What the hell was that?” I turned to the bed.  The bed lamp had turned on by itself.  “Are you freaking kidding me???”

It was the damn ghost.  I know it was.

I mean, honestly, who pulls this type of crap?  Here I am with my newly wedded wife, about to have the most special moment of our lives, and this jerk comes in and flicks on the light! Like seriously pal, buzz off!

And I don’t buy the “oh, I didn’t know you were married” excuse. Bull crap.  He saw the wedding dress, not to mention everybody getting ready that entire day in the room.  Oh yea, you were in there while the bridesmaids are getting ready?  Now I’m double pissed off, you creep!

And sure, you’re probably a little butt hurt over the fact that something terrible happened to you that turned you into a ghost, I get that.  But hell, it was like 100 years ago!  Get over it for Christ’s sake!  And on top of that, it’s our wedding night!  Is a little privacy too much to ask?  How about you show some respect!

But no, this perv decides to hang out, uninvited like it’s no big deal and get his creep on.  It’s too bad I couldn’t see him, or I would’ve popped him right in the kisser, right then and there!

Now, this clown is lucky I’m good with the lord and that there’s a good chance I’m going to heaven.  But granted the slight possibility I slip up down the line and don’t quite make it right away, this guy better watch his back, cause this is what’s going to happen.  Right before I croak, I’m buying my ass a one-way ticket to Victoria, Canada and booking myself in room 811 at the Delta Victoria to live out the rest of my days, Tesla style, Pigeons and everything.

I’m going to walk back into that room, old and frail, look that piece of crap right in the eye and face down the little pansy.  “Hey, remember me A-hole?”

And mark my words.  The minute I die, I’m going to go up to that ghost and beat the living crap out of him…

For the rest of eternity.

Now, I understand that forgiveness is a big part of the Christian tenants, and that you should learn to let go.  But I’m also a believer in justice for all, and this guy committed a serious offense in the name of common decency that need not go unpunished. And if I don’t do anything about it, nobody ever will!

And trust me, this isn’t just for me.  This is for my wife, this is for the bridesmaids, and this is all the other couples who had to deal with his crap.  I say, “no more!”  It’s up to me to set things right, to make legends of this day, so at night, when the guests hear screaming and crying, they’ll say, “oh, there’s Old Grizzly Chadams putting that perv in a head lock and wailing on him again,” and be able to rest in peace.

But you know what?  I’m not about to let some celestial bastard ruin my party.  Sure, having a ghost watching us in the room put a damper on things, and don’t worry, I still plan on whooping his ass in the afterlife, but when it’s all said and done, that wedding was one of the best weekends of my life!  All my boys were there, there was a little partying, a little barfing, I mean, what else could a guy want?  And on top of that, I bagged one of the best babes ever!

And to be honest, I wouldn’t mind doing it all over again someday, except for the fact I know better.  It’s like in college when you tried to recreate the awesome rager you had the week before, only to have it fall flat on its face.  Sorry guys, this type of stuff just has to happen organically.  Besides, I think I’m gonna keep this one for good!

But guess what?  I do know plenty of others in serious marriage contention!  Just think about the parties we have in store!  I’m talking about you Moody!  I’ve met your babe, and if you don’t put a ring on that finger, then you’re crazy.

That’s right, I’m calling you people out, Ric Flair style!  Josh Ulrich, I know you’re in love with your girl, so it’s only a matter of time.  Might as well make it sooner rather than later.  And Bill, let me tell ya something.  Nothing would make me happier than to see you say the words to PL Dubman. I know, I’m putting the pressure on, but trust me, like I said earlier, I know a thing or two about getting married!

And once you do, you know I’ll be there front row center, kit stealin’ and wheelin’ dealin’ like a jet ridin’, limousine ridin’ son of a gun!  And as soon as I see you guys walk down the aisle, you know I’m gonna have a hard time holdin’ my alligators down!

Look, I get it, it’s a big step and all, committing to somebody for the rest of your life.  And I’m fully aware of all the stress that’s involved with planning a wedding.  And don’t get me started with the amount of money I blew on this thing, sheesh!

But the moment I saw everybody gathered around for the first time, friends celebrating with new friends, all the joy in the room from fresh faces to people who have been in my life since I was peein’ in my pants, I knew it was worth it.  Every hour and penny spent.  It’s a moment nobody can ever take from you, not even some stupid-ass creep of a ghost.

It’s a moment I wouldn’t trade for the world.

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