New Year’s… what a drag. Sorry, but somebody had to say it.
Think about it from the very beginning. Fall comes around, and it’s all “Oh cool, at least we got football to keep our minds off the end of summer,” something I can definitely live with. It’s also the emergence of sweater weather, and maybe it’s just me, but there’s something sexy about a woman bundled up in warm clothes.
And around the corner we got Halloween, the beginning of the great string of holidays, and the one time of year where you’re allowed to dress inappropriately and where kids get away with demanding candy from adults. I love Halloween.
But wait, it gets better. Thanksgiving shows up, and it’s good vibes all around, which makes complete sense. Hardly anybody’s upset when they’re surrounded by a plethora of food and family—quite the opposite, actually. And everybody’s grateful for what we have, taking the time to thank the good lord for the blessings all around us.
Then there’s the granddaddy of them all. Christmas. The minute Thanksgiving is over, it’s like Mariah Carey emerges, crying out “All I want for Christmas, is yooooouuuu”, demanding everybody get in the Christmas spirit that very second.
And we do as we are told. It becomes a solid month of Christmas Parties, Christmas Movies, Christmas Candy, Christmas Cookies, Christmas Miracles, Christmas Trees, Christmas Presents, Christmas, Christmas, CHRISTMAS!!! It truly is the most wonderful time of the year.
Ah, Christmas is over? No need to fret, cause there’s one last holiday. Oh boy, here it comes! New Year’s. And get this. We’re going to stay up really late, drink a lot of alcohol, say Happy New Year, then celebrate… we celebrate…
Three months of darkness, crappy weather, and a killer hangover. Ughz…
And let’s face it, this year was worse than others. The Times Square coverage was atrocious, from washed up celebrities trying to reclaim a hint of the spotlight, to news anchors sinking to new lows with beer bongs on live TV.
I couldn’t take it anymore! Even Steve Harvey’s coverage, a man I admire, and respect, was lackluster at best. It was like he had a permanent “Good God, just kill me now,” face, like the one he makes whenever someone gives a stupid answer on Family Feud.
You can’t blame him, though. Nothing could’ve saved the country from the disaster marked as New Year’s 2019.
I mean, what the heck’s so sanctimonious about New Year’s anyway? Absolutely nothing if you ask me; just an excuse to take the day off because you got too hammered the night before. “Hey guys, check out this hangover! What a great way to start the New Year!”
Thankfully, I learned my lesson years ago. I skipped most of that crap and took advantage of all the slackers that decided to sleep in. My plan was simple. Go to bed early. Get to Costco, first thing. Next, the thrift store to pick out an outfit for my bachelor party. Then, to the coffee shop to do some writing. And after it’s all said and done, maybe I’ll even get a run in.
Well, guess what. Costco: closed. Goodwill: “Sorry guys, we’re too lazy to come into work. Coffee Shop? Closing early for the holiday. I mean, what they hell? Why is the coffee shop closing early? If anything, people will be rolling in late to quench their hangovers. It makes no sense, whatsoever!
Turns out, everything is closed on New Year’s. And to add insult to injury, I was constantly reminded that the Chicago Bears are making playoffs and not the Packers. Apparently, all the Bears fans remembered they liked football and are showing up all over the place.
The Bears winning the NFC North… What a travesty.
Screw New Years.
I stumbled into work the next day barely motivated, not sure how I’d make it through the day, let alone 2019. Something had to give. I needed a boost. I snuck out of the office to the local convenient store, looking for coffee, a second Rockstar energy drink—anything to get me through the day.
A wall of candy stood at the entrance. My eyes gravitated towards it, if only for a moment to temper my natural instincts. “Hmm… Trying to get rid of all their excess holiday candy, I see. Fat chance they’re dumping any of that on me. It’s probably all old and crusty and—wait a minute, what’s this? 75% off?”
Enticed, but not yet committed, I gave the candy stand another gander. “75 cents for a king size candy bar?” From the looks of it, management had gotten a bit paranoid over their excess stock of holiday candy. “Must be worried about cutting their losses. Sounds like a couple ofsuckers if you ask me.” I took immediate action.
Now, it wasn’t my intention to load up on all the sugar. All those Christmas cookies added a few unnecessary pounds to my body, but you never pass up a good deal—that’s my motto. So, I took my handful of items to the cashier and checked out.
Mountain Dew: $1.79. Man, back in the day those used to be 75 cents. What’s going on with this country? And here we go, Hershey’s white chocolate peppermint bar, 37 cents. Wait a minute… 37 CENTS?!
I couldn’t believe my eyes! Half-off from what was displayed—practically asteal! But wait, I wasn’t finished.
Full size bag of Reece’s peanut butter trees: 95 cents. Again, half-off thedisplay price, and discounted by at least 2 or 3 bucks just for the factthat it’s a Reece’s peanut butter cup in the shape of a Christmas tree. Heck, I don’tcare what they look like. It all looks the same once it’s in my belly. Tastes the same too!
Bag of Dove chocolate holiday nuggets: $1.00. You’re lucky if you find those at the CVS for 3 bucks a bag, and you usually have to buy two of them! I eat those all the time, and believe me, they’re delicious.
The best part was, most of this candy wasn’t even expired yet! Too good to be true? I got the receipt to prove it.
I headed back to the office, already devising a plan for my return. Gotta keep this under wraps. Sure, there may be certain individuals with a need to know, but with an office full of chocolate lovers, once the cat’s out of the bag, it’ll be Black Friday all over again!
I made it back to the office in a conspicuous manner to finish out the day, aided by the lack of employees still out on Christmas vacation. Some would call it luck. I’d say my New Year’s sacrifice was starting to pay off…
“Hey, babe, how was your day,” asked my fiancé as I walked into the door after work.
“You’ll never guess what happened,” I started. Today, while at work, and I went to the store, and then I…” I stalled. Keep your mouth shut, stupid. You can’t tell anybody, not even your future wife… It’s too risky. “I… learned how to play craps.”
“…craps,” she shot back, her face cringing with perplexity. “At work?”
“Sure… It was a slow day, after all, with everybody still gone… Besides, me and Mike Masters have to learn. You know, for my bachelor party! Gotta win big in Vegas!”
“Umm, ok…” She replied, turning towards the kitchen, still befuddled.
“Phew! Close call,” I thought to myself. “Survived that one… barely.”
The next day, I got into the office early—no time to waste. However, my nerves jolted, my muscles fought the urge to run as I turned into the store. The candy shelf had been ransacked, with less than half the supply remaining in less than a day.
Looks like the word got out. The good news, there was still time, but this was certainly no time to panic. “Remember the plan.”
I took a deep breath and started loading up. Those King Size Hershey’s peppermint bars were good. I’ll take another one of those. Better yet, make that three. A handful of Christmas Tree Snickers bars? Don’t mind if I do! And what do we have here? Twix Santas? Quite alright with me.
My hands were getting full—only enough room for one last item. Near the bottom was a green tin container in the shape of a Christmas tree with a bow tied around it and a name tag—the ultimate Christmas present. My mind began working overtime.
“Get this. I come home with a surprise Christmas present. She sees it and goes nuts, thinking it cost like 20 bucks! I act like it’s no big deal, when in reality, I only spent $2.25 on the thing. The best part is, I bet she’ll even share! It’s a win-win if you ask me!
I brought my handful of goodies to the counter and plopped them in front of the cashier as if I were splattering a pile of gruel onto Oliver Twist’s plate. The cashier shot me a look of annoyance. I stood, undeterred. What? No shame on this side of the counter…
“That will be 6 dollars and 87 cents,” she said to me after ringing me up. $6.87 for 20 pieces of candy, is that all, heheh?
I left that day with two grocery bags full of candy. “Mission accomplished,” I said to myself, George W. Bush style.
“Hey Babe, how was your day?” I asked as I walked through the door.
“Oh, it was ok. Nothing too exciting,” she replied.
“Just ok?” I asked as I reached inside my bag. “Well, I was just thinking about you today and how much I love you, and wanted to get you a little something.” I pulled out the Christmas Tree tin of Dove chocolates, bow wrapped and everything and handed it to her.
“Oh my gosh babe, you are so sweet,” she said, her face becoming the light the tin Christmas Tree was missing. “But you know I can’t eat all of those chocolates. How about you have a couple.”
“Wow! I mean, they’re yours, but if you insist, I guess I’ll have a couple.” I kept my composure throughout, but man, I couldn’t believe the luck I was having. “Premium candy for the low low price of $2.25, and it turns out I get to eat it all and still reap the benefits of being a good fiancé. Not bad for a day’s work!”
Maybe 2019 won’t be so bad after all.
2019. Let’s think about that for a second.I get to go to Las Vegas in a week with some of the best buds in the world! I’m talkin’ Moody, Bill, Mike Masters, heck, the Notorious Ben Woodward might even make an appearance. I know what you’re thinking, “what about Mike Gibson?” Well, let’s just say the Fantasy Football season was a little stressful on all of us. See for yourself.
Don’t worry, we’ll get over it, eventually. Besides, I’ve got it all figured out. I’m going to take my 2nd place earnings from the Fantasy Football championship, bet it all on double 0’s on the Roulette Table and make a killing, just like they do in the movies! Totally worth it in the end, and it’ll pay for the wedding!
Holy crimeny, I’m almost forgot. I’m going to get married in February! How cool is that? All my friends and family will be there and everything! And trust me, even Gibson will show up for that party!
And I’ll save the best for last. The last Season of Game of thrones is coming out! Who will rule the Iron Throne after it’s all said and done? Hopefully not Cersei. We’ll find out soon, but I’m rooting for my boy John Snow! And the best part is that none of those turds who think they’re all cooler than everybody else cause they read the books can spoil the season for me (I’m talking about you Shaun Walters!). Man, imagine having to read through all that crap for nothing? Suckers!
And that’s all before the summer! Maybe Kanye West will surprise us with another album like he did last year. And since I’m getting married, maybe there’ll be a little Zack on the way! Ah dude, think about that, an army of Zack’s raisin’ hell all over our nation’s capital. Trump would be proud!
So maybe between the months of crappy weather shrouded in darkness, there’s a little something to look forward to after all… Just remember to load up on your months supply of discount holiday candy. You’re gonna need it.
Happy New Year, from Grizzly Chadams!