How to Plan a Wedding, Part 3: Beware of the Pervy Ghosts!

News flash: Getting married is pretty awesome.

Take it from me. I’ve married for two weeks now, so I know what I’m talking about.

Think about it. I get to wear this cool ring, I don’t have to work out as much or impress babes with funny jokes anymore, and I get to play video games all I want. And get this, she still has to love me afterwards!

Seriously though, my Final Fantasy game has been on point lately.

The best part of it all though? The wedding, hands down. And not to brag or anything, but my wedding was pretty much the best one I’d ever been to, and you know how much I love weddings (That Time I became Jedi Knight for a Wedding…)!

All the heavy hitters were there. We’re talkin’ Moody, Masters, Gibson, Bill, Alex, Walker—an all-star cast in itself, not to mention the superstars on the bride’s side. And I’m not going to lie, there may have been a disparity of looks between the bridesmaids and the groomsmen, but you can be the judge on that.

First, we had Moody, the best man. I’ll never forget the first time I ever saw him. I was a recent 1^st Grade transfer student from Northeast Grade School in Meridian Mississippi trying to feel out the waters of Area 1 playground life, when there he was, waddling around the swing set atop the gravel with his arms bent at 90 degrees, legs pointed outward and his sweatshirt tied around his waist. “Yep! I just found my new best friend!”

Right then and there, I knew he was the man for the job.

Then there was Alex, another OG from Asotin Grade/Junior/High School (yes, they were all in the same building). We’ve been through thick and thin, but I almost had to kick him out of the wedding party for bringing his Super Nintendo. Who does he think he is, beating me in Ken Griffey Jr. on my wedding day? Dick move if you ask me.

But, he made up for it by providing the pre-wedding beverages, so I let the whole Ken Griffey Jr. thing slide… this time.

You already know about Bill, provided I wrote about a book about him and I, going to a wedding of all things (See the links for Out of the Vein to the left)! And here’s a little secret between you and me. Maybe… just maybe, there’s another book in the works. Stay tuned folks!

And of course, I couldn’t leave Masters out, since he helped me find the venue in the first place (How to Plan a Wedding, Part 1). Besides, we had to have somebody with an awesome hair cut on my side to balance out the looks a little bit.

Then my buddy Walker was walkin’ around (as he’s been known to do) with this particular beverage called “brown wine.” Apparently, it’s a delicacy in Canada—fancy stuff, something from the Crown that only the Royals drink, or something like that. Who knows how he got his hands on it, but holy crap did it make everybody loopy!

Actually, it looks sort of like this stuff…

And sweet Jesus, you should’ve heard Gibson speak. I was a little worried what he would say after the Fantasy Football Fiasco of 2015, but man, did he deliver like a Billy Graham reincarnate. The charisma in his voice, the personable tone, the stirring words that came out of his mouth—I was blown away!

Even Gretch and Josh Ulrich were on their best behavior! I wish I could say the same for Gretch’s mom and KCM, but since they’re my number one fans, I let them knock back the Coors Lights without reservation.

Heck, I was in such a good mood that I even invited Ben Woodward! And of course he got all foolish on the dance floor with the Stanky Legg, probably the best wedding gift a guy could ever receive!

But wait, save the best for last. Now, I’m going to be straight with ya, my wife is smokin’ hot! And when I saw her walk down the aisle for the first time, my heart stopped, my jaw dropped, and I was like, “…whoa.”

And yes, I may have choked up a little bit when I said my vows, which kinda sucks, because I did it in front of Ulrich, and you know he’s not going to let that one go! I couldn’t help it though. It was in the name of love.

You could say that it was almost a perfect wedding. Except for one problem…

There was a stupid ghost creepin’ in our room.

My wife had warned me of such a haunting a day before the wedding, recalling how the room turned mysteriously cold at night, and how she even felt a few taps on the shoulder when she was in the bathroom. Admittedly, I dismissed the claims, for I had other things on my mind. What did I care? I was getting married for heaven’s sake! I wasn’t about to let some silly ghost get in the way of that!

Then came the big day. Boy, was I excited!

Then anxious, then pissed off (Queue Alex and the Super Nintendo. Thanks a lot buddy!) but in the end, I settled my nerves, and pulled it off. We said our I do’s, smooched in front of everybody, and began celebration shortly after!

Wait, who’s Mary Swanson and the Aspen Preservation Society??

The night was full. We ate cake, danced, drank brown wine and photoboothed (quite a dangerous combination), and smiled and conversed with old friends and family, just the way I had imagined it. Nearly the perfect end to a perfect day.

And just like that, it was over. So we did what any logical couple would do and went back to the honeymoon suite.

So there we were, alone for the first time as husband and wife. My mind ran with a deluge of emotions as I gazed into her eyes. I sensed a strange presence among us, but once again, I dismissed the warning signs. “It’s probably love, right?”

“I love you,” I told her, believing it was the right thing to say as she stood in her wedding dress, looking absolutely stunning. She said the same and held me close. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was, here with the woman of my dreams. Just her and I—

*Click.*

“Wait… What the hell was that?” I turned to the bed. The bed lamp had turned on by itself. “Are you freaking kidding me???”

It was the damn ghost. I know it was.

I mean, honestly, who pulls this type of crap? Here I am with my newly wedded wife, about to have the most special moment of our lives, and this jerk comes in and flicks on the light! Like seriously pal, buzz off!

And I don’t buy the “oh, I didn’t know you were married” excuse. Bull crap. He saw the wedding dress, not to mention everybody getting ready that entire day in the room. Oh yea, you were in there while the bridesmaids are getting ready? Now I’m double pissed off, you creep!

And sure, you’re probably a little butt hurt over the fact that something terrible happened to you that turned you into a ghost, I get that. But hell, it was like 100 years ago! Get over it for Christ’s sake! And on top of that, it’s our wedding night! Is a little privacy too much to ask? How about you show some respect!

But no, this perv decides to hang out, uninvited like it’s no big deal and get his creep on. It’s too bad I couldn’t see him, or I would’ve popped him right in the kisser, right then and there!

Now, this clown is lucky I’m good with the lord and that there’s a good chance I’m going to heaven. But granted the slight possibility I slip up down the line and don’t quite make it right away, this guy better watch his back, cause this is what’s going to happen. Right before I croak, I’m buying my ass a one-way ticket to Victoria, Canada and booking myself in room 811 at the Delta Victoria to live out the rest of my days, Tesla style, Pigeons and everything.

I’m going to walk back into that room, old and frail, look that piece of crap right in the eye and face down the little pansy. “Hey, remember me A-hole?”

And mark my words. The minute I die, I’m going to go up to that ghost and beat the living crap out of him…

For the rest of eternity.

Now, I understand that forgiveness is a big part of the Christian tenants, and that you should learn to let go. But I’m also a believer in justice for all, and this guy committed a serious offense in the name of common decency that need not go unpunished. And if I don’t do anything about it, nobody ever will!

And trust me, this isn’t just for me. This is for my wife, this is for the bridesmaids, and this is all the other couples who had to deal with his crap. I say, “no more!” It’s up to me to set things right, to make legends of this day, so at night, when the guests hear screaming and crying, they’ll say, “oh, there’s Old Grizzly Chadams putting that perv in a head lock and wailing on him again,” and be able to rest in peace.

But you know what? I’m not about to let some celestial bastard ruin my party. Sure, having a ghost watching us in the room put a damper on things, and don’t worry, I still plan on whooping his ass in the afterlife, but when it’s all said and done, that wedding was one of the best weekends of my life! All my boys were there, there was a little partying, a little barfing, I mean, what else could a guy want? And on top of that, I bagged one of the best babes ever!

And to be honest, I wouldn’t mind doing it all over again someday, except for the fact I know better. It’s like in college when you tried to recreate the awesome rager you had the week before, only to have it fall flat on its face. Sorry guys, this type of stuff just has to happen organically. Besides, I think I’m gonna keep this one for good!

But guess what? I do know plenty of others in serious marriage contention! Just think about the parties we have in store! I’m talking about you Moody! I’ve met your babe, and if you don’t put a ring on that finger, then you’re crazy.

That’s right, I’m calling you people out, Ric Flair style! Josh Ulrich, I know you’re in love with your girl, so it’s only a matter of time. Might as well make it sooner rather than later. And Bill, let me tell ya something. Nothing would make me happier than to see you say the words to PL Dubman. I know, I’m putting the pressure on, but trust me, like I said earlier, I know a thing or two about getting married!

And once you do, you know I’ll be there front row center, kit stealin’ and wheelin’ dealin’ like a jet ridin’, limousine ridin’ son of a gun! And as soon as I see you guys walk down the aisle, you know I’m gonna have a hard time holdin’ my alligators down!

Look, I get it, it’s a big step and all, committing to somebody for the rest of your life. And I’m fully aware of all the stress that’s involved with planning a wedding. And don’t get me started with the amount of money I blew on this thing, sheesh!

But the moment I saw everybody gathered around for the first time, friends celebrating with new friends, all the joy in the room from fresh faces to people who have been in my life since I was peein’ in my pants, I knew it was worth it. Every hour and penny spent. It’s a moment nobody can ever take from you, not even some stupid-ass creep of a ghost.

It’s a moment I wouldn’t trade for the world.

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How to Plan a Wedding, Part 1

The air was damp. My rain jacket fluttered against the ocean breeze as I boarded the M.V. Coho at the tip of Washington State. My mission was clear—perform reconnaissance for potential wedding venues, but time was limited, and stress was mounting. Nothing I haven’t been used to lately.

To be honest, life’s been a little hectic these last few months. When I popped the question, I thought it was gonna be all gum drops and lollipops. I was on top of the world! Nobody told me planning a wedding was going to be hard work. At least I found this guy for some advice. Go Cougs!

Heck, if it were up to me, I’d go see Elvis at the ol’ chapel in Vegas, but since she’s looking for something a little more proper, and I love her and all, I decided to accept. And luckily, I had my good buddy Mike Masters tag along, and let me tell ya, he could barely contain his excitement!

The departure was smooth, with only a mild wind brushing against the water; nothing worrisome to the crew tending the Coho. There had been rougher sailings on the “Black Ball Line,” I’m sure of it.

And here we are 15 minutes later. The sights were just as wonderful, but don’t just take my word for it. You be the judge.

Boy, the ocean doesn’t change much minute by minute. At least it’s getting a little warmer outside. Who would’ve guessed. At least I feel good about water now.

Hair of the dog, here’s another 15 minutes.

Nothing much had changes in 5 minutes. I thought the ocean would be a little more exciting than this.

We were getting close! Can’t you tell?

And here we were, pulling into what they call the Inner Harbor of Victoria. A quaint little place by the looks of it, though it was hard to get pictures with everybody in the way.

I managed to scrounge together a few good ones before undocking.

Our first stop, was this castle, Craigdarrach I think they called it, or Craig’s Crotch, or something—the Canadians were always a little goofy with their names.

Not exactly my idea of a good time, but Mike Masters was pretty insistent. I think he was trying to impress his babe by acting noble and taking her to an establishment of such extravegance, but I knew better.

Luckily, we didn’t go to every place he wanted to go.

I’m not gonna lie, the place was pretty fancy! But man, were they sticklers or what!? “Don’t go in this room! Don’t touch that! You’re not allowed to drink water!” Give me a break why don’t ya.

Not sure about the wedding dress…

Or these crappers.

Sure, they had a room or two to get hitched, but the no red wine policy was a no-go—not with my mom, anyway. They didn’t like you dancing either. And check out the flower girl and ring bearer outfits.

If I knew any better, I’d say there were a few ghosts hanging around Craig’s Crotch. No thanks.

Sorry Mike Masters. This place gives me the creeps!

The Fairmont Empress was next, and boy, was it classy, like a real life Wes Anderson film.

With such posh interior, fire places, wood stained upholstery, marble and a giant tea room overlooking the bay, I knew right then and there the babe was going to love it.

Immediately, I set up an appointment for formal consultation.

“I’m very impressed with the amenities you’ve presented,” I told the gentlemen running the joint. No way I was gonna screw this one up. “So, how much does a wedding run at a fine establishment such as this?”

“Typically, our wedding runs around $225 per person, with a $15,000 minimum,” he said.

“…Seems reasonable,” I replied with a steady nod. “Let me see here, 225 dollars a person… that’s almost 500 dollars a couple–wait… what the–500 dollars?!”

I stared into space and contemplated. I made it this far, I wasn’t going to blow my cover now. “Multiply that by 50 couples, that’s like… $25,000 dollars! Screw that!”

“Sir… Sir?” My body gave a little jolt back into reality as my mind raced for a quick answer. Great. How am I going to get out of this one?

“Now, if it were up to me, I’d say yes right away,” I said, my mouth moving faster than my mind could keep up. “But I must consult with my fiancé. She’ll has to make the final decision. You know how it goes… But don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll say yes. Be on the lookout for her email.” He understood completely.

“We’ll be in touch then.” We agreed with a handshake, and went on my merry way. Phew… close call.

The search continued. Venue after venue we passed, from the parliament, past a few churches, to several other hotels.

Too bland

Too old fashioned

Too Miami Vice

Heheh. Erected…

Something seemed off about each one though. Well, to me, these looked really nice and beyond adequate, but I had a feeling she wouldn’t go for it.

How could I look my babe in the eye with sincerity and say, “Mission Accomplished?” Time was running out, my chance of success was looking bleak, and worse of all, Mike Masters had to call it quits.

So there I was, stuck in this foreign corner of the world, alone without the slightest idea of where I hold my wedding. Along the waterfront I stood, contemplating my mission and the purpose of life among other mysteries. How can I possibly go back now? Across the water stood one last hotel. The Delta they called it, glowing like the centerpiece of a Liberace Candelabra, shining with full clarity now with Mike Master’s head out of the way. It looked promising. It had to be. It was my last hope.

I crossed a pedestrian bridge and descended upon the hotel. It’s exterior lay home to a tributary of paths to a much calmer, greener part of town. The inside was sleek and modern. Grandiloquent, but not over the top. No need to show off. That’s my motto.

The staff was courteous while I toured the joint, showing me plenty of spaces for dinner, receptions, ceremonies, the whole 9 yards. I could see it all unfolding, my family conversing with her family, the bridesmaids and groomsmen partying it up, Gibson yelling at people about football, Ulrich bragging about his pecks—it was all going to work itself out… for the right price of course.

“Hmm… I really like what you’ve done with the place, but finances are of concern,” I told the wedding coordinator. That was correct, to a certain extent—maybe a little exaggerated. But being the frugal person I am, I had to negotiate.

“Oh, well we offer a half-price discount on all our reception halls if you get married on a Sunday.” …So far so good.

“Sure, but what about the rehearsal dinner?”

“We can set you up at the hotel restaurant. And if you want a private room, we can probably wave that fee as well.”

…Hmm. She’s good. But I’m better. “Alright, I’m sure the dinner is superb. But we’re also looking at a few other places around Victoria, like the Empress. Pretty classy place if you ask me… Gosh. I just don’t know if we can fully commit…

“We also offer a free breakfast the morning after your wedding.” …What? Free breakfast?

“Free break—well why didn’t you say so!? I think we have ourselves a deal!” A cautious smile slipped from her face as I vigorously shook her hand. “My people will be in touch. Let’s talk soon!”

The Delta it is! The best part was, I didn’t even have to consult with the babe! Boy, is she going to be glad she doesn’t have deal with choosing the wedding venue. Decorations? Leave that to me! I have that all under control. Oh, and I got the perfect idea for a cake as well!

#drakecake

As I left Victoria that day, a sense of pride swelling within me, one phrase ran through my head… “Mission complete.”

Wedding planning isn’t so bad after all. Neither is the ride home on the black ball line. Just as pretty as the ride over.

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