Author: grizzlychadams

The professional Pee Tester

At my work from time to time I am called in for a random drug test.  You know, the ones where you pee in a cup and they send it to a lab and analyze it for bad things in your body.  It can be once every couple of months, or even years sometimes between pee tests.  Recently however, I’ve been called in for a donation of my pee pee quite frequently, twice in a matter of three weeks to be exact.  Maybe Obama just doesn’t trust me anymore?  Oh well, whatever the case, I usually don’t mind, for I get to take a nice little stroll through the shipyard, observing the blend of historic structure and modern military marvel, where old World War 2 bunkers are converted into laboratories for analyzing chemical compounds, and old workshops built of brick and mortar house an array of machines that fabricate the finest technological gadgets to support the mission of the United State’s pacific naval fleet.  A perfect time for life thinking, and breaking off from the monotony of office life for an hour is always a nice change-up in your routine.

 

I enter the pee test lobby and behind a window there is an elderly gentleman who happily greets you, the same one every time I go in to deliver the goods.  And when I say gentleman, I truly mean the word gentleman, one of the last few left on this planet.  Definitely a God fearing, good deed doing family man.  As I look at him and I can just imagine him gathered around his grandchildren at Christmas time jolly as can be, telling stories of seasons past and the honorable heritage of their family tree, all of which are hanging on his every word, eyes glued to his in wonderment.  He wears a nice long sleeve button up tucked in to a pair of wranglers sporting his favorite belt buckle, the one I’m sure he’s had ever since he was a young lad.  His face is aging, slowly turning into the same material as his leather cowboy rope tie.  His white angel thin hair parted across his head, the same way he has been styling it his whole life.  And yet, even at 70 plus years of age, he feeds you a smile of youth, as if you were that young broad he courted at the barn dance all those years ago, sporting the same outfit, the one that has never let him down.  It’s only natural to feel brightened, and send him back a smile in exchange. 

 

And yet, this is just another day in the office, taking people’s urine and analyzing it.  The work seems mundane to us, but he’s in his office working like a busy beaver, taking all the pride and joy that’s inside of him and delivering it in the form of services.  The service of collecting your urine… 8 hours a day for 5 days a week.  He treats his job as if it’s his passion, his reason for living; the profession that God himself has called upon him to carry out.

 

Imagine meeting a guy like that at a dinner party and everybody’s introducing themselves.  “Hi, I’m steve, I’m a Optomoligist,” or “Hello, I’m an engineer.”  “Paul’s my name, I own the general store down the street.”  This guys would be the man who says “Hello, I’m Dale.  I’m a certified pee pee collector, available for private and public practice.”  The more I talk about him, the more I want to hang out with this man.  Seems like a night out on the town with him would be nothing but a good time!

 

“All right, c’mon back,” he says to me, waving his hand in a welcoming circular motion.  He leads me to the back room where he hands me a cup and instructs on how to produce what he describes as a “good specimen.”  I do as I am told, in the order he tells me.  Wash the hands, enter the bathroom, and fill the cup to around the halfway mark, and if necessary, pinch it off, sending the rest of my beautifully self-produced golden waste into the toilet filled with dark blue dye.

 

I hand the man my sample, and that’s when he starts to work his magic, and things get really interesting.  He takes out two smaller containers, the size of the old 35mm film capsules, and begins the process of filling them completely full.  You would think that this would be a very delicate process, one that any normal person would take their time with and wear the proper sanitary equipment that comes with the job, aka gloves.  Time nor gloves however are not resources this man has, or cares for, or needs.

 

He fills the first specimen tube, holding my cup of urine about a foot above the tube, in almost the same fashion as some foolish college kid tries to fill his half drank soda bottle with his favorite liquor.  Now don’t lie to yourself, we’ve all been there and done that, and remember how hard of process that was and how nervous we were about spilling?  There was always that unfortunate moment where a good portion of that liquor ended up on the counter, leaving us with two choices.  Wipe up the mess in sorrow at the loss of perfectly drinkable booze, or suck it up like a man and zamboni it right off the table.  Think of that and now imagine the same situation, except instead of pouring a little bit of whiskey into a half drank 20 ounce bottle, you’re filling a large cup of pee pee and pouring it into a tiny little specimen tube, with barely the volume of two shots.  This is exactly what this man was doing…  Without gloves no less!  I had an underlying feeling that this stunt wasn’t going to go so well…

 

“Well here we go,” he said to me as he tilted the cup of urine down towards the specimen tube while I held me breath.  A stream of golden liquid, recently departed from my body was leaving the cup, suspended in mid air, with only milliseconds before it hit touchdown either directly into the tube, or all over his hands and onto the floor.  The suspense was killing me.  It was that Aaron Rodgers to Randall Cobb 4th and 8 call against the Bears with 44 seconds left on the clock all over again.

 

Touchdown!  The urine landed square in the middle of the tube.  So far so good, but the moment was short lived as I dreadfully watched the liquid level climb up to the top of the tube.  It was rising, and rising quick!  He acted oblivious to the fact that he was less than a second away from a flood of urine covering his bare hands (did I mention he’s not wearing gloves during this entire process?), and all I could do is sit there and watch as the time drew closer and closer to a disaster just waiting to happen.

 

Just when I thought a tragedy was among us, with as much grace as the choreographed “Single Ladies” dance by Beyonce, he lowers the urine cup, tips it back, and finishes the pour, test tube filled right up to the brim, not even a millimeter of separation between the edge of the tube and the liquid.  One handed, he flips the lid back into position and closes it, no urine lost or spilled.  Not even a drop.  I was in total amazement as I was still trying to wrap my head around what I had just seen.  He literally had a brush with death, and by some miracle, he was still standing, his clothes and body free of my warm bodily projection.

 

“Ok, now for the second one,” he said to me with in a chipper tone, delivering a slight chuckle afterwards as he flipped off the cap of the second specimen tube and prepared for the pour.  He raised the first urine sample towards me, now completely capped off, as if he were about to give a toast.

 

“Oh no, not again!” I thought to myself.  That first time was luck.  There was no way he was going to be able to handle another pour like that without some type of backlash.  But sure enough, with the same level of confidence and ease, he started his pour a foot above the specimen tube, filled it at a rapid pace, and stopped just in time for the urine to fill completely to the brim.  No miss pours, no straggling drops or a spraying of debris, nothing.  Again, he capped the specimen tube one-handed, and that was it.  A few signatures from me and those babies were off to be analyzed!

 

It was at that moment, seeing both specimens capped off ready for delivery, that I knew I was in the presence of greatness.  This could be possibly the best pee pee tester on the face of the Earth.  He just made it look so easy, as if pee testing is second nature to him, like riding a bike, or eating a slice of pecan pie.  No doubt the Kanye West of urine testing, maybe even better.  He was that freaking good.  I wanted to shake his hand right then and there, but something stopped me.  I looked at him as he went through the necessary pee handling procedures, filling out the necessary paperwork, dumping the leftovers, interacted with the other donors in the room; I felt like I didn’t have the honor of shaking a man’s hand like that, at least not in this environment.  Besides, I hadn’t even washed my hands yet after going to the bathroom, so a handshake would be considered a little rude at that point.  Maybe someday, I’ll gain enough respect to shake the man’s hand.  Hopefully someday soon, before he retires…  That is, if he retires.  Few men that are true masters of their profession never really retire or stop what they do.  I hope to be among one of those men someday.

 

And as I walked back to my office, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “How does a man get into a position like that?  Becoming a professional pee tester?”  I imagine during career day at school he didn’t go up and tell the class “When I grow up, I’m going to play around with people’s pee pee.”  Maybe he did, but I find it highly unlikely.  It at least wassn’t my top career choice in school.  I mean, judging from events in our adolescent years, Ben Woodward may have thought about that as a viable career path once or twice, for he was the most comfortable around that type of stuff (so it seemed).  But still, think it was a long shot even for him, or maybe a back-up plan.  And that’s saying a lot, cause that kid is a one in a million, and pretty wacko in the head!

 

But regardless of what Ben’s career aspirations were, over time with every trade, you develop skills, and for extracting other people’s urine 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for 30 (maybe 40) plus years, I’d say you’re going to get pretty damn good at the job.  That probably explains how he’s able to handle other people’s urine with the amount of ease and comfort that he does, as if it he was holding his newly born grandchild, or as if I was serenading a couple boundary babes in some exotic locale with a beautiful sunset shining over a landscape consisting of lush forest and pristine lake front. 

 

I can just envision what they’ll say at his funeral (God Forbid).  “Here lies George (or whatever his name is), father of 4, husband to 1, and the greatest pee test man the Puget Sound Naval Shipyard has ever had the pleasure working with.  He will forever be remembered as the admirable man who poured urine specimens, over and over again, to keep us out of trouble and protect us from harmful toxins that could inhibit our work ability and destroy our family life.”  Those in attendance would nod their head in approval, knowing that he was the best in the business, and that he touched their hearts every time he sent their donation to the lab, caring for their safety every step of the way, and performing the work that no other man would do, the tough job that could make you an enemy very quickly in the eyes of the ungrateful.  Never the less, he did it because it had to be done, by someone…  The best, all for his fellow brethren.  I hope I’ll be among those in attendance, reminding me that his legendary spirit will live on through the shipyard, long after all of us are gone.

 

I’m thinking a typical donor takes about 5 to 10 minutes total to complete the process of making their donation to the pee test man, so in a typical day, he could probably be handling about 50 unique urine samples easy.  That’s nearly 500 a week, and well over 1000 in a month.  A professional like that, given the right circumstances could very well hold over a million different types of pee pee in his hand over his life-time.  To me, that is a mind-blowing stat, and a bit of an accomplishment.  Who else could say that they’ve done something like that?  He’s truly the best pee tester in the game.  Even Richard Sherman couldn’t quite match a feat like that, and he wouldn’t even have to announce it over national television!  He just let’s his work speak for himself and leaves the rest of us in awe.

 

So every now and then, I get called back to the same room, where the same old man with the same old cowboy rope tie sits and administers a pee test.  I hand him my sample, thinking to myself, “Is this the time he’s going to finally spill on himself?  I don’t want him to. Honestly, I’m rooting for the guy, but his luck’s got to be running out.”  And with the same elegance he’s had throughout his whole government career, he proves me wrong, filling the cup straight up to the brim, no gloves, no splash, no problem.  He’s never made a mistake the dozen or so times I’ve visited to deliver my sample and I’ve never heard a peep from any of my other colleges around the office of him spilling.  And believe me, if he would’ve screwed up, I would’ve heard about it.  That’s just the way gossip works in my office, just like any other office in the American business front.

 

I truly believe with all my heart that not only is he one of the most tremendous pee testers known to man, but an honest to heart great man, the Vince Lombardi type, the ones who strive for greatness each and every day, while always finding ways to improve their technique and work, to keep them at the level of the best, now and forever.

 

I can say with all credibility that it’s a privilege, and an honor to donate my pee to that man.  He’s just that damn good, and watching people at that skill level working at their craft leaves you in awe and inspired.  If I could be just half as good at writing than he is at pee testing, you’d see me on the New York Times Best-Seller list every month.

 

Upon writing this entry, I’m truly looking forward to the next pee test, and dread the day where I enter the office he’s not there, replaced by some young klutz with a skull full of mush trying to administer a pee test.  He’s going to pour pee all over himself!  I know it!  It’s going to be terrible!  And I’m just going to stand there shaking my head in disapproval, for he will never reach the level that man has reached, and will probably end up quitting his job, unable to perform his duties at the quality of his former.  What a sad day that will be, a day that will live in infamy for the employees of the Puget Sound Naval Shipyard.

 

I hope and pray that there will be at least a couple more pee tests with that man at the helm.  There’s got to be.   It’s what he does, what he was born to do, what the legends will speak of for generations to come.

 

Until next time Mr. pee test man…  Until next time.

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So as it turns out, Michael Jordan wasn’t born in North Carolina…

Ever since I was born, my mother has reminded me of the fact that I was born in Wilmington, North Carolina. Yea, no big deal right? Wrong, because there’s another big part to it… That it happened to be the same hospital where Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player of all time, was born. It was a fact that I repeated time and time again throughout my life. In grade school, the kids would hang on my every word and repeat the story to others as if I were a legend. Through my college years I would tell the tale and be met with responses along the lines of “No way!” or “Get out of here!” and other expressions of excitement. Even now as a working professional, I still tell the tale and receive the nod of approval and ever so slight grins that grow at a slow, yet proportional rate. I repeat it as if it’s my mantra, my motto.

It was one of my proudest claims to fame, a highlight of my life, and a great pick-up line for the ladies. In fact, it was merely a couple weeks ago that I was attending a bachelorette party and I laid down the line in front of a large crowd of babes, where they all smiled with a heightened level of impressiveness. And for those that are wondering, yes I said bachelorette party, and yes, aside from the over abundance of phallic objects, its was really fun (thanks to the efforts of a few boundary babes)! Even better than any of the bachelor parties I’ve ever been to, no offense to those bachelors, especially my buddy Alex. I love you man, but being stuck in the middle of the woods at night with a busted up rig that can’t start in weather that was around 10 degrees wasn’t exactly the greatest moment of my life. Especially after the fact that we nearly rolled off the edge of a cliff and to our deaths about 10 times, but that’s a whole other story. Let’s just say I’m happy to be alive to tell my stories after that incident.

But the point is, I would walk into a room and spread the truth in front of a crowd of people, and instantaneously I would be greeted with astonishment, with a slight wave of jealousy coming from a few. What could they say that made them relevant?  Nothing. I was always one step ahead.

It had been nearly 25 years since I stepped foot in the motherland, or crawled for that matter, and I was ready for a welcoming reception home. I met my compadres Mike and Jason at Jay Bee’s World Famous Hotdog’s in Statesville, North Carolina, where I have no idea why their hotdog’s are considered to be world famous. Every place I’ve been to that claims they have world famous hotdogs have always left me with a feeling of disappointment, such as Ben’s Chili Bowl in Washington DC. If you’re going to say you have a world famous hot dog, it better be damn good. At least don’t call them world famous so your standards shoot through the roof. If you don’t claim it and your hotdog is terrible, I won’t really care, but when you claim world fame status and your hotdog stinks, your reputation and integrity fly out the window in my book, and leave me with less satisfaction than if I ate a 1/4 pound all beef kosher dog from Costco, except that those actually aren’t that bad. One, they taste better, two, they’re only a buck fifty, three, a 22 ounce drink is included, and four, they don’t even claim to be world famous! They just let the taste of their juicy dog do the talking, and that’s the way I roll.

Anyway, after eating my less than mediocre world famous hotdog, we headed to our destination in Asheville, NC, telling story’s of the glory days when we were hooligans roaming the streets of Moscow, Idaho. We were a minute away from the house when the story popped into my head, and I found the perfect segway to tell my great tale of fame. “Dude, this is my first trip my back to North Carolina since I’ve been born. And I don’t want to brag or anything, but I happened to be born in the same hospital as Michael Jordan.

Mike tweaked his head toward me with a sudden look of confusion. “Uhh, Michael Jordan was born in Brooklyn New York dude.”

“Bull crap,” I swore back to him. He was wrong. He had to be. I knew he was going to take offense to my statement, just like he always does, and of course he wasn’t going to believe it, he never believes anything I say, but he couldn’t prove anything this time. What the hell did he know? He was seriously going to go against my mother’s word? I don’t think so. Not even he has the balls to go there, and when it comes to arguments with Mike, trust me, we’ll go to the deepest and dirtiest depths just to prove a point. It’s personal.

“Wikipedia it man,” is all he said back.

“Wikipedia isn’t a source!” I wanted to screamed. That’s like the first things they teach us in college! God I couldn’t believe he just said that! Wikipedia? C’mon! It took a lot to hold back the fury that bellowed inside me, because I was freaking mad!  Lieutenant Dan mad when he’s yelling at God during the hurricane in Bayou La Batre. Bill O’Reily mad when he’s told to play it out. Freaking Kanye West mad when Taylor Swift robs Beyonce of the best video award at the MTV VMA’s!

But I kept my cool and held my tongue through the whole ordeal. Now was not the time to blow up and cause a scene. I was about to meet the remainder of his family that I had not yet met, including his mother, and impressions to me are above and beyond the most important. Besides, there was plenty of time to prove Mike wrong and make him look like a fool, an act I get more joy out of than being that kid who receives an Xbox for Christmas! All I needed to do was wait for the opportune moment. Patience is key in situations like this.

Luckily for us, nothing brings a bunch of testosterone craved boys together like a classic Pay-Per-View UFC match, including an epic bout between Rhonda Rousy and Miranda Tate, and watching Anderson Silva’s leg snap in half. I know people are gonna hate on me for saying this, but seeing that live was freaking awesome!  And even better than that was the epic Packers and Bears matchup that proceeded the following day. Wow, that was one that’ll go down in the history books. It’s 4th and 8 with 44 seconds remaining in the game. the Pack is down 27-28 and the Bears are lined up for a jail break blitz. 7 defensive linemen vs. 6 on the offense. Rodgers snaps the ball and Julius Peppers runs towards Rodgers unblocked. John Kuhn the fullback dives in front of him with a last ditch effort to deliver a block. He barely slows the bastard, but it’s just enough for Rodgers to escape within a fingertips length. Out of the pocket he spots a wide open Randall Cobb in the middle of the field. He delivers a strike and into the endzone goes Cobb, ball in hand… and that’s when me and Mike went bonkers. We were jumping up and down in the bar, yelling, calling, texting, hugging complete strangers, and even in some instances, kissing (ayayay I know, I almost got slapped for that)! But in the end it didn’t matter, for we were full of cheer and were going to spread it around to everyone we could see, including Bears fans! You’re probably asking why, but it’s just the kind of guy I am. I can look past those types of things for one night.

We made our unmistakable appearance known to all at the various bars we visited, and by the evening’s end it had been a complete night of unforgettable memories and passion. Yet something was still bothering me deep inside as I lay in bed at the end of it all. The controversy of Michael Jordan’s birthplace still lingered, and I just couldn’t shake it off. I had to know. This had to be settled once and for all.

I picked up my iPad and googled his name. I hovered my finger over the link, but couldn’t quite press down on the screen. What was I nervous for? This was my mother’s word against Mike’s. There should be no sense of hesitation inside of me. But there was… “Man up,” I told myself before I pressed down on the link and watched the circular bars rotate in the upper left corner of the iPad, waiting for the answer, my heart working overtime against the disproportionate level of alcohol in my bloodstream. The answer would come soon. I was right. I had to be right. The screen finally refreshed and there popped up the wikipedia page. I gazed down at my answer in plain black text, waiting for me at the right hand side of the screen.

Michael Jordan: Born – Brooklyn, New York.

My heart sunk at the answer presented in front of me. How could this be? My mother had been lying to me my whole life, and I bought into until just now, when I finally saw the truth. How was I going to tell all my friends whom believed my story throughout the years? How could I even bare the thought of facing all of the babes I had met at the bachelorette party now that I’m a phony? And the worst of all, how will my relationship with my mother resume now that that sacred bond of trust has now been broken?

I awoke the next morning, pretending that the whole incident never happened, but it was no use. “Oh, by the way, did you find out where Michael Jordan was born?” It was a cheap shot question I could not defend, and he said it so smugly in front of everybody. He was mocking me big time, and I tried to play it smooth, but all that came out was one of those pathetic looks of the same fashion as the one that is permanently engrained onto Jay Cutler’s face. And he stood there in his pompous stature that makes James Franco look like Mother Teresa. No other words needed to be exchanged. Congratulations Mike, you won the argument, and my life is over. I’m sure you feel no shame whatsoever. In fact, I bet you’re ecstatic. I hope you’re happy, and I hope the torment you put me through along with a newly broken family was worth it for you.

I can’t believe she did that, out of all people, my own mother! I’m completely devastated. Those types of things just shouldn’t happen. The thought of sneaking off to get a McRib before Thanksgiving pales in comparison to this quarter century fib. It’s probably going to be at least another quarter of a century before I fully recover too. But then again, I did get over the fact that Santa Claus didn’t exist, so maybe there’s hope for a rebuild of our relationship. Although I think a lot of chocolate chip cookies and cheesecake may be required for the rekindling (*hint hint*).

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The Mammogram… and the current state of our healthcare system

Healthcare.  It’s been on everybody’s mind lately.  People are worried sick about it.  “Am I going to lose my health coverage?  Is the website working yet?  Will I have to same type of coverage as the elite members of this country such as the president, senators, and Kanye West?”  All are legitimate questions, without clear answers, answers that have torn apart friends, family, and parts of this country as a whole.  Along with these answers comes the blame game, with our problems always being somebody else’s fault.

The truth is, these issues have been apparent for quite some time… years even…  well, I at least have known of them for a while now.  I could’ve sent a warning to my friends much earlier, but hesitated.  I was acting on selfishness and cowardness when I should’ve thought of others and how my story, no matter how embarrassing it may be, could have prepared them for the future.  Well, better late than never, and who knows?  It may still save a few souls here and there, even though my silence has cost many all ready a great deal of pain.  You only have one life to live, and you must do what you can with what you got to make it count.  That’s my motto.

It all happened a couple years ago during a Christmas party in an old apartment in the Capitol Hill neighborhood of Seattle.  There was a holiday theme, and all in attendance were mingling about in the appropriate attire to match the occasion, sharing with each other the spirit of the Christmas season.  For some reason, I had my shirt off (which baffles me to this day, for I rarely rip off my shirt during any party or likewise occasion, ever), and after talking to somebody for an extended period of time, they noticed something unusual with my chest.  One breast was bigger than the other.  This was something I had known ever since my teenage years, and didn’t think too much of it.  “So, one of my boobs is bigger than the other.  Who cares!?”  But as the news spread around the party about my abnormality, worry and panic set in.

“Oh let me just see it,” one girl asked.  I didn’t mind.  She was probably a babe, so I let her feel for herself the non-symmetrical phenomenon that was my boobs.  “Oh my gosh, it’s true!” she exclaimed as she caught the attention of others, drawing them into close quarters with my naked chest.  “Let me see,” asked one.  “I don’t believe it, I wanna feel,” said another.  Before I knew it, a dozen people from both sexes were crowded around me in an attempt to examine the build up of unusual tissue around my left nipple, all of which began touching and feeling it at their own free will!  I don’t mind if a few hot babes grab them here and there, especially since I was eager for a chance to show off my newly sculpted pectoral muscles.  But it was getting to the point where things were starting to get uncomfortable.  To some, it could’ve been classified as sexual harassment, although I couldn’t bring myself to make that accusation.  After all, every one that touched both of my boobs seemed genuinely concerned for my health, and was only grabbing them for medical reasons.  So I just stood there in an inept position as I watched the reaction of people, one after another in shock as the squeezed each nipple, realizing the irregularity of my body.

“You really should get that checked out,” one suggested, followed by nods of approval.  Enough people agreed, and counseled me in their own personal way.  I forget who was all involved in the decision that night, but I know it wasn’t Ben Woodward.  He usually has some pretty good sense about these things.  In fact, I don’t really remember much of Ben during the whole party, which leads me to believe that he was actually being really cool about the situation and in general.  However, his coolness wasn’t enough to convince me from doing something about my condition, so the next week, I made an appointment to visit a doctor and clear up whatever defective generation of tissue build up there may be inside my body, if there was any issue at all, which I highly doubted.

I entered the doctor’s office with a slight agitation, and the nurse reminding me of my weight insecurity wasn’t helping the situation.  What was this build up of tissue in my left breast?  Will I need surgery?  Chemo?  I was just beginning my life, and life was good.  This is the last thing I need at a time like this!  But better to take care of these things now rather than later, when they could be much worse…  That’s my motto.

The doctor entered and did his regular examinations before proceeding to copping a feel, which I guess I allowed in an indirect way.  He squeezed, and massaged, and rubbed, and felt all around my chest as I stood there in anticipation of his diagnosis.  He had a look of puzzlement on his face that was impossible to determine whether it was a sign of hope or doom.  So I waited, heart pounding for several minutes for his decision.

“Well, my professional opinion is it’s just some build up of residual tissue.  I don’t see any signs of a tumor or-“

“Great news doc!  I agree with the diagnosis, and gee, look at the time.  Gotta go.  It’s been a pleasure-“

“BUT…”  One of most disappointing phrases a man may ever hear.  I looked back with concern, halfway out the door.  I wasn’t going to like the next words out of his mouth.  “I’m going to have to refer you for an ultrasound.”

“You gotta be kidding me,” I thought to myself.  It killed me inside, but I had to respect the man’s recommendation and his years of study and practice.

I informed my boss the next day at our group meeting that I had to schedule another appointment.  “I have to go in for some testing tomorrow,” I told the group.  I was immediately shot with an array of strange looks, and immediately realized I had uttered one of those phrases that came out the worst way possible and wished I could take back.  I sensed what they were thinking, but I didn’t know what would be more embarrassing; letting them think I have an STD, or telling them the nature of my impending risk of breast cancer, and the fact that I’m getting an ultrasound.

I kept my mouth shut.  My professional relationship with my Catholic coworker has suffered ever since.

So again I found myself inside a hospital waiting room, checking into my ultrasound appointment, lingering in agony until the moment my name is called.  I needed something to get my mind off the procedure, fast.  It was stressing me out big time!  On the counter I rifled through a barrage of magazines geared towards woman’s health issue.  There were the usual “Shape,” “Woman’s Health,” and “Bridal Monthly,” and “Pregnancy” magazines, but then something else caught my eye.  “So you’re having a baby,” and the many other health pamphlets scattered around the office table.  For a moment, I forgot all about my procedure and became intrigued about the subtle details of pregnancy.  I learned that it’s normal to feel sick and make multiple trips to the bathroom during the early stages of pregnancy, and how one may experience unusual spikes in their appetite.  The real eye opener was the section that begins with the woman’s water breaking and going down the list of steps involved in birthing the baby.  I was a bit disgusted at the level of detail portrayed in the pamphlet, yet at the same time, it was at a level of interest that kept me reading, wanting more, just like the show “Keeping with the Kardashians.”  I was sucked in with horror, yet amazement.  I needed to know what happened next, deeper and deeper into the vile depths of this pamphlet, each section more-

“Excuse me sir, we’re ready for your ultrasound.”  I looked up to a waiting room full of women, all eyes fixated on me, wondering why the hell I was nose deep into this pregnancy pamphlet and getting an ultrasound.  I slowly set the pamphlet down and cautiously made my way out of the room, as if it were a scene from Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds,” me being vastly outnumbered by the crowd of women watching my every move.  Any sense of panic or sudden movement would turn the room into a frenzy in which there would be little chance of survival.

The room mimicked that of an alien probing station, a circular space with a large table in the middle for the specimen to lie, and a long and skinny mechanical eye with the ability to examine any part of the body it pleased.   “Take off your shirt and lay on the table,” the nurse instructed.  I wasn’t really thrilled about taking my shirt off, even with my transitioning chiseled body, so the nurse probably wasn’t that much of a babe.  Regardless of my thoughts, I did what I was told.  I had to do what I could to understand the fate of my left breast, and allowed the nurse to splatter a blob of gel with the consistency grape jelly all over my chest.  This substance was rather warm, making the situation even more uncomfortable than it needed to be, and for several more minutes of unnecessary medical exploitation she took the metal probe and pressed it against my body, moving it all around the general area of my breast with a film of gel in-between looking for the best view of tissue on the large screen hovering above us.  By the way she was taking her sweet time moving the probe all over my delicate body slathered with medicinal oil, I could tell she really enjoyed her job.

“I can’t see anything wrong with your breast.”

“What a relief,” I thought to myself.  Christmas was just around the corner and my worries were behind me.  Sensing my probing was over and done with, I cleaned the warm goop off of my body and put my clothes back on as the nurse finished up her paper work.

“I’m going to refer for a mammogram.  Please go to the 9th floor and hand them this referral.”

“Whoa…  WHAT!”  She didn’t even hit me with a misleading and disappointing “But.”  She went straight for the throat.  I didn’t even get a chance to strike back, or even think!  But you know, I guess better safe than sorry…  That’s my motto.  And so I gathered what was left of my shattered and dwindling dignity, crept past the preying bird-like women in the waiting room, and made my way to the next stop on my breast cancer journey; the equivalent of Level 8 on Super Mario Brothers 3.

“Excuse me mam, I’m here for an appointment.”  I set the referral note on the desk.

“All right, what are we doing today?” she asked, her face glued to the computer screen.

“Um, I’m here for a mammogram,” I politely responded in a soft voice, avoiding any unnecessary attention.  The last thing I needed was another ultrasound incident.  I waited a few long seconds, where I sensed an extreme case of ADD with the receptionist, as she kept typing away on her computer, forgetting that she had responded to me mere moments before.

“I’m sorry, what was that hun?”

Again, I responded with quiet hesitancy.  “A mammogram mam.  I’m here to get a mammogram.”  My patience was running thin at this point, but again, I replied with gentle poise.  I wouldn’t let them break me, no matter how bad of humiliation I may suffer.

But she kept on keeping on with her typing, and again my answer was ignored.  Whatever was on that computer screen was much more interesting than me, a major blow to my ego.  I mean, what administrative bull crap could be on that computer that is much more compelling than my presence?  It was kind of making me mad!  I kept my cool though, for there’s no need to draw attention to oneself during these types of situations.  That’s my motto.

“I’m sorry, one more time sir?”

“A MAMOGRAM, MAM.  A FREAKING MAM-O-GRAM!  I NEED TO CHECK TO SEE IF I HAVE BREAST CANCER, AS STATED ON THE REFERRAL NOTE I GAVE YOU!!  WHY THE HELL ELSE WOULD I BE HERE?!?!”

They say every man has his breaking point, and I had just hit mine.  I had caught the attention of the entire room now.  I was like Tupac, all eyes on me; everything I had tried to avoid…  Oops.

“Well why didn’t you just say so sir?  Please have a seat and we’ll call your name whenever you’re ready.”

I did as she told me, making awkward eye contact with everybody in the waiting room.  I had to give them the nod of acknowledgment, letting them know that they were all right, and I knew I was in the right place.  I’m not quite sure why we do that when we’re placed in stiff situations, but it’s something we all do.  I didn’t dare look at any magazines or pamphlets this time, even though there was plenty to read on the subject of a woman’s breast.  I was very tempted, but refrained, and just waited with a steady fortitude along with the other woman in the room for my breast test.  There was no way I was making that mistake twice.

After an excruciating fifteen-minute wait, I was called in for the exam.  The nurse ripped off my shirt and grabbed the hunk of flesh that comprised of my enlarged left breast, pulling it onto the bottom glass portion of the machine and setting the top portion in place.

“Ok, I think we’re all ready,” she stated, which was great news for me.  The sooner I could get this procedure done and over with, the sooner I can get out of this discomforted sitting position, out of the hospital, and on with Christmas.  The machine started, and the procedure pressed on and on…  Literally.  It pressed on my boob, and didn’t stop.

“Mam, I think this is good enough,” I stated, voice raising with concern.  I had no idea if it was good enough or not as far as the breast screening process goes, but all I knew is that it hurt like hell, and I was done with this mammogram as far as I was concerned.

“Just about one more minute,” She responded.

“Ah hell no!”  At the rate this is going, there’s not going to be any breast left to examine!  This was far enough, time I draw the line.  So I pulled out… or at least I tried.  The machine had a killer clamp on my boob, and the harder I pulled, the more it pressed and resisted.  The friction between the two glass slabs and my breast was too great to overcome.  I was left in agonizing pain with only two outcomes.  Either the nurse would show an ounce of mercy and let up on the examination, or my left boob would pop like a zit, squeezing puss all over the machine, and probably alleviating my breast cancer worries for the near future.

I scream out loud, but the machine that had turned my breast into a pancake took the breathe out of me.  All that came out was a quiet and exaggerated “Eep.”  For a moment, I was surprised and a little impressed at the amount of surface area in my breast that had been created by the machine.  The amazement was short lived unfortunately by the fact that my boob was on the verge of explosion at any second.  My heart raced, and I could barely hold on.  My face turning a pale blue, heavy breathing, body going faint.  This was the end.  If only there was another way…  If I could take back-

“All done!”  The machine lifted and my breast slowly formed back into shape like a dashpot.  I began to regain consciousness at a rapid pace.  A Christmas miracle.  “The results look good! No signs of cancerous cells or tumors.”

“Oh gee, like I didn’t see that one coming,” I thought to myself, although my demeanor was that of liberation, for that meant no more testing for me.  I was off Scott-free!

“Now we’d like you to come back in three years for another check-up so we can ensure-”

“No way.  Nuh uh.  Not gonna happen.  I’m done…  I. AM. DONE!”

“But sir, we really recommend-”

“Nope! I ain’t putting up with that bull crap again.  No more check-ups, screenings, weird jelly, ultrasounds, and/or mammograms for me!  Screw you guys, I’m going home!!!”

What a complete and utter nightmare.  I swear those nurses were putting me through unnecessary torture just for their amusement.  I can just picture them colluding amongst themselves on how to screw me over and make me go through hell on Earth just to point out the obvious.  “Hey, here comes this one dude, let’s make him go through all the bull crap we have to go through just because we can, haha.”  Whatever.

A wise man once said, “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.”  One thing’s for sure.   I learned my lesson, that I’m never getting a mammogram…  EVER Again!

That’s my motto.

Merry Xmas,

-Grizzly Chadams

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Thanksgiving and a tale of two McRibs

Thanksgiving.  Truly the most genuine holidays of em’ all.  It leaves you in a peaceful mood and can even make the most deplorable among us rediscover our caring side.  For a day, you forget about all of the stresses created from the world around you–work, politics, football… well, maybe everything, but the point is that you remember the things that make life so great in the first place, and set aside what doesn’t matter, contrary to popular sentiment.  It’s part of what makes the Fall such a wonderful season; the coziness of sitting near a fire sipping on a fine cocktail or one of the many seasonal beers that are cool to the taste and warming to the spirit; watching women pile on the layers, going from there scantily clad summer attire to a more conservative autumn overcoat with stylish leggings (I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about girls dressed appropriately for the colder weather that’s kind of a turn on); and possibly the greatest of all is the line of holidays, one after another, starting with Halloween and ending with Christmas, each one a stepping stone of anticipation for the next!  It’s a continuous blast of excitement with all of the parties, food, shopping, and traditions; it’s what I look forward to each and every year.

Although all of the holidays are great in their own special way, Thanksgiving stands out far and above the rest of them.  Let’s start with Halloween.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Halloween.  It’s the one time of year that it’s socially acceptable for me to dress like a freak and for girls to dress provocatively.  In fact, the more out of control your costume is, the more praise you get, and this Halloween was no different.  My Kanye West outfit was spot-on (aside from painting my face black, a decision that was against Ben Woodward’s wishes and but made after some much appreciated consultation from my snarky minority friend Sharath), and compliments were flying left and right–a leather on leather on leather combination with a couple of gold chains and some rockin’ high-tops, the leather pants being the most on point.  I didn’t even have to go to the S&M shop (Ben Woodward’s favorite store) to find them either, thanks to my sister’s keen eye and extensive knowledge of fashion websites!  Unfortunately though, I ripped them two weeks later (a little piece of advice: don’t play basketball in leather pants.)

 

But let’s be honest with ourselves, what is Halloween but a bunch of kids going house-to-house begging for candy from a bunch of strangers?  “TRICK OR TREAT!” they scream in your face, holding out baskets full of processed sugar bars and pleading for more like a bunch of mendicants.  So just because you come to my house dressed in a costume, you’re entitled to the goods that I worked hard for?  And if I don’t surrender, you get to play a trick on me, like TPing my house?  Please.  Halloween sounds like another front for socialism if you ask me.  The Founding Fathers must be rolling in their graves every year on October 31st.

And lets take a look at Christmas and face the hard facts.  The thing that makes Christmas awesome is that we get free stuff.  But at what cost parents?  Because of our selfish desires, we allow our children to sit on an old fat dude’s lap while he ho ho ho’s and asks them what toys they want.  And then we look forward to him dressing in his red suit and breaking into our houses, sneaking around while the kids are sleeping and leaving them presents, Michael Jackson style.

Hello!  Do you see anything wrong with this picture!?!?  And that’s before he eats all of our cookies and drinks our milk too!

Sure, New Years is a big party, but in the end, your left with that depressing feeling of inevitable aging mixed with at least three months of terrible, endearing weather that drags on, and on, and on.  If your football team wins the Super Bowl, then maybe you end up with a winter that’s a step above mediocre, but with 32 teams in the NFL, the odds are stacked against you, and you’re left with even more disappointment that sinks you into the dark crevices of winter.

After months of the grueling cold, Easter rolls around, which means the weather gets nicer, but at the same time, life springs back into action and all the critters come back into play, terrorizing the neighborhood with glee, with one particular rodent who always seems to make his way into our homes, leaving egg droppings all over the place.  One of these Easters I’m going to wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom or something and accidently step on the little turd who’s running about my house unabated.

“What the heck man, you stomped the Easter Bunny!”  Hey, I’m sorry, but he came out of nowhere!  He scared the crap out of me!  Easter’s ruined, forever and ever.

Heck, there are even flaws with my favorite holiday, the 4th of July, the day we celebrate the valiant fight and struggle to gain our independence and become the greatest nation in the world.  It’s a wonderful day of reflection and gratitude, but I’d be lying if I don’t use it as an excuse to drink beer and light off a bunch of fireworks while screaming “MERICA” at the top of my lungs.  It’s the one-day where I’m allowed to do really dangerous (and stupid) things while being hailed as patriotic!  And trust me, I take full advantage of the opportunity every year.

fireworks

Fourth of July 2014

With Thanksgiving however, there’s no BS, no facades involved, just family and friends gathered around a feast to giving thanks for the gifts we’ve received in our lives.  Going back to its origins, it’s about a group of people after many harsh winters and an ongoing struggle to survive in a new world, finally having an abundance of food for one season, and deciding to share it with another group of people who taught them the fundamentals of survival.

And we continue the tradition today–simple as that.  Taking time to reflect even with all the prepped up stresses that come along with life.  We step back for a moment and say, “Hey, we really have it pretty good, and our blessed with what’s all ready around us, most of which we take for granted day in and day out.  Let’s give thanks for this and share our blessings.”

It is a time for great company and lasting tradition, with each family having their own unique rituals.  It could be as simple as getting together for a great turkey bowl battle with the pigskin, or a round of “The Settler of Catan,” which leaves all but one person (the winner) in a sour mood after it’s all said in done.  There is one tradition however that I share with my dad that has been somewhat of an untold secret for some time now.  It’s not a planned out tradition by any means, but something that coincidently reoccurs every year, and I believe it’s time to let this secret come to surface, for the truth will always set you free.

Many years ago at our residence near the Quail Ridge golf course in the Lewis Clark Valley, the Andrews family was working hard preparing for the big meal.  My mother slaved away in the kitchen while my sisters cleaned and the men were on stand-by, awaiting orders.  Thanksgiving dinner always starts around 3:00 PM in our family, making it difficult to plan your meals for the day.  Because of the awkward dinner time, I usually eat a very light breakfast so I can take advantage of stuffing myself with turkey, gravy, and the rest of the fixings to the fullest extent, and lunch is skipped for that very same reason, because hey, no sense eating lunch when you’re going to eat dinner in an hour or two anyway.  The closer you get to that 3:00 PM mark however, the more you suffer and grow delusional from the lack of food inside your body.  Even with all of the agony I was facing that Thanksgiving from an absence of food, I powered through the hallucinations that follow starvation, for a vision of me sitting in a food coma watching holiday movies and football would be well worth the wait.

Illusions of grandeur filled my mind with the multitude of flavors that would eventually enter my mouth, drawing me into a deep trance.  The juicy deep fried turkey that Bob would bring over, my mother’s stuffing, crispy on the outside, moist on the inside and blended with a fruit concoction of apples and cranberries that tastes so good that you could eat just that alone and be satisfied.  Add the mashed potatoes smothered in butter and gravy, A bowl of yams topped with toasted marshmallows, and pumpkin pie with a side of vanilla bean ice cream and you’re screaming for a beautiful disaster where the end result is a gluttonous gathering of humans parked in a living room unable to move for the end of the world from the dense mass inside their bodies.  What a great day this was going to be…

“Zack, Zack…  Snap out of it,” a voice shot out followed by a snap of the fingers across the face, giving me a bit of a startle.  “Your mother needs some spices from the store, lets go,” my father barked.  I obediently followed.  And just like that, reality set back in, and the pain of perpetual hunger rose again.

Not much was said in the car ride, or inside Albertsons for that matter, one of the few stores still open on the holiday.  I’m pretty sure our minds were on sync, delusional from the missing smorgasbord of turkey byproducts that should have been consumed by now, making Albertsons a quick in-and-out experience.  The sooner we got back to the house, the sooner Thanksgiving would be served, which without the missing ingredients, would delay dinner for at least another hour or two according to our calculations.

While walking back to the car I caught a glimpse of the McDonalds across the parking lot, one of the great all-time American staples with a giant sign out in the front that just slayed my digestive system.  “The McRib is back, and for a limited time only!”

The McRib:  The pinnacle of culinary excellence.  A superb blend of processed pork, a not too smoky but elegantly tangy bbq sauce slathered all over a slab of meat between two buns with a hefty serving of onions and pickles.  It’s as if God himself came down from the heavens and gave us a taste of what the afterlife will be like.  If Ayn Rand ever wrote a book about food, the McRib would be the equivalent of Galt’s Gulch.

I looked at my dad through my peripherals in an attempt to read his body language without being suspicious.  He just blankly stared at the empty parking lot ahead, not displaying any sign of emotion whatsoever.  The further we drove through the parking lot, the deeper the depression of missing out on a mouthful of flavorful explosion set in.  The odds are always against you in this situation, as learned from many occasions where my parents would drive us past fast food after karate class, giving us hope that a splash of kindness would result in a happy meal, but always being disappointed as we watched the big yellow arches fade away in the distance.

I wanted it so bad that I could taste it, but I just sat and kept my mouth shut, acting indifferent to the situation.  The whole ordeal was torturous, for my churning stomach left me in constant excruciating pain that was bound to last a long time, but there was no way I was going to risk looking disrespectful to my mothers cooking.  Hey, I ain’t gettin’ in trouble!  Better to live in pain for the next hour or two than to be given a harsh Bill O’Riely scolding while still experiencing the same pain.  So I just sat there and said nothing, wallowing in a sadness that could not be displayed.

Then, out of nowhere, when all hope had been lost, a chorus of angels sang the most beautiful words I may have ever hear in my entire life.  “Would you like to stop at McDonalds for a snack?” my father asked.  It was a miracle.  My body was freaking out inside, and I wanted to scream for joy at the top of my lungs.  However, I kept my composure, waited a few seconds as if I had to contemplate the decision.  I nodded my head and responded, “You know, I think I would,” with a grin of approval across my face.

“I’d like a McRib meal please,” order my dad.  “What would you like son?”

“You know, I think I’ll have a McRib meal as well…”

I don’t exactly remember the details of whether we ate in the parking lot, or if we drove home right away, but at a moment like this, you never forget the silent camaraderie of father and son sharing a meal together of this magnitude.  It was a coming of age moment, where he look at me and was damn proud I was his son, and I look at him and knew I would never trade him for any other dad in the world!  It’s as if the whole time, we were in sync and knew exactly what the other was thinking.  Kind of like a 6th sense that only a father and son duo can truly understand.  Just like the first time we shared a beer together, but better.

We entered the house with accomplishment written across our faces, having achieved the task that had been presented before us as we handed off the missing ingredients to my mother.  Our ailing hunger concerns had been satisfied for the time being, and nobody was of the wiser.  We were in the clear, and it was going to be a great Thanksgiving.

“Ok guys, time to eat,” echoed my mothers voice throughout the house a mere two minutes after we stepped through the door.

“Wait…  What???  That can’t be!  We just got home, and dinner wasn’t going to be ready, and McRibs in our bellies, and…  Oh no!”  I wasn’t hungry anymore!  The fantasy I had about gorging myself in food paradise… no longer existent.  I didn’t want any more turkey, stuffing, gravy, potatoes, nothing, for satisfaction had already been attained.  We ruined Thanksgiving.  And my mother…  She was going to know!  She always knows when I eat McDonalds before dinner!  And right before Thanksgiving… We’re toast!

My father didn’t say a single word.  He acted naturally; as if he were experienced and knew exactly what to do…  act as if nothing had ever happened.   So I followed his lead act in a strict fashion as we made our way up the stairs to the dining room table…  Silent, as if nothing had ever happened.

He made no contact with me that whole dinner, and he didn’t have to.  It wasn’t worth the risk, and I would’ve done the same.  Besides, we both knew what each other was thinking and what had to be done.  It’s like a 6th sense between a father and son duo that only they can truly understand.

I did however study his every move, cautiously of course, in order to avoid any unnecessary suspicion.  He placed a variety of items on his plate in a strategic spread to give the illusion of having full meal even though the quantity of actual food compared to mere rations.  I followed suit, and we continued on behind enemy lines, just praying for survival.

Our operation was precise and going as planned, but even the most flawless of plans can never completely fool a mother.  She was beginning to catch on due to the slow pace of my father’s food consumption.

“Aren’t you going to have any more hun?”  She asked.  He just shook his head and moved his mouth like he was saying “Nah,” leading her to shrug her shoulders and retreat for the time being.  It bought us some time, but those tactics only work for so long.

The unrelenting attacks kept coming, and my dad kept fending them off in the same fashion with responses like “I’m going to save some room for dessert,” or “I’m watching my carbohydrate intake,” which is a valid statement since he’s a firm believer in the low-carb Atkins style diet.  The sad part was, due to our proximity, he was taking all the grunt of the assault, and I was getting off Scott-free.  As any great father would do, he took on the burden, sacrificing himself so his son could live another day on the lovely Earth.  But I knew this was going to get real ugly sooner or later.  My mom would break him, make him confess, and that would be the end of Thanksgiving as we knew it.  I couldn’t leave him hanging.  His actions were admirable, so much that I wouldn’t have traded him for any other dad.  I needed to do something to make him damn proud that I was his son.

I peaked around the room violently, my mind racing a mile a minute with ways to swing the battle favorably in our direction.  My dad had held out for as long as he could, but he couldn’t take it anymore.  He was about to crack.  Running out of time, I looked at our good friend Bob, one of the heavy hands at our church.  I know it’s taboo to bring up politics at the dinner table, especially during Thanksgiving, but we had run out of options.  The guy could sell you a bag full of dog crap and leave you walking away with a smile on your face as if you’d just won the lottery, he was that good.  I had to get him involved, somehow, someway.  I knew the risk that was involved and the possibility of a resulting backlash.  But this wasn’t about me.  This was about my old man.

“So Bob, I hear some of the new trustees at the church are clashing with the pastor these days?” The comment definitely caught my mother’s attention, along with everybody else’s at the dinner table.  I blurted it out of nowhere, and immediately I was shot with inappropriate looks, for the comment could be classified to some as out of line.  I felt a cloud of anxiety floating over us, as if I had just blown our cover, and not only was I going to get a scolding from my mom, but a “I’m disappointed” talk from my dad, both of which I would deserve if this didn’t pan out.  Heck, I didn’t even know if there was even any conflict with any of the trustees!  I was totally bluffing!  But what could I do?  I was desperate, and action needed to be taken, a Hail Mary of sorts.  So I waited for the seconds to pass by for Bob to respond, which seemed to last for minutes from my standpoint.

“Well, actually, there have been some issues, not with the trustees, but some of the youth leadership with certain methods they use for teaching the kids….” and that’s all it took.  The whole room was hooked!  Even my mother, gleeful to get all the dirt she could from one of the biggest political strong-arms in the church!  And it wasn’t just her.  All of us around the dinner table wanted a piece of the action, for nobody can resist digging into the dirty details of congregational dwellings, and who better to get information from than the man who knows everyone’s business.

Everybody wants to be on Bob’s side.  The man knows how to get things done, and if you’re on good terms with him, he’ll make your life a hell of a lot easier.  That’s the simple truth.  He’s not a shady guy or anything, but more of a natural leader, the Reagan type.  He doesn’t get involved in the dirty side of politics because he wants to, but because people come to him, desperate for his input.  He’ll tell you like it is, whether you like it or not, and he’ll fix any problem, even if it’s political suicide and it makes him look terrible.  He does it because it’s the right thing to do.  I swear he’d be destined for Senator someday, if only his heart wasn’t so damn righteous.  I know it was a dirty move on my part, but I had to get Bob going.  Sadly I’m ashamed to say, it wasn’t the first or last time I screwed him over on a holiday, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and my father and I needed a game-changer.

Pretty soon, we all forgot about Thanksgiving dinner, and were more intrigued on which Church high-schooler didn’t get accepted to which college, or which kid came home after curfew, who was giving the most money, who was causing a rukus, and on and on…  and that’s all it took.  It was finally over.  The focus on our dinner portions had diminished, and shortly after our political discussion that was oh so mesmerizing, we were in the living room playing catch phrase, two families enjoying each others company with laughter and excitement bouncing off the walls of the house.  We had cheated death, and we couldn’t believe it.  We saw it as nothing less than a subtle act of God.

Later that evening, my dad and I finally made eye contact once more.  No facial expressions were made, and no words had to be said, but there was a 6th sense going on between us.  We knew we had pulled it off, and for that instance, I knew that he was damn proud that I was his son, and I would never trade him for any other dad, and that’s the way it always will be.  I think it’s something only a father and son duo can truly understand.

That night, I was thankful for many things.  At the top of my list was getting away with barely touching Thanksgiving dinner and not receiving a paddling from my mom.  But looking back, I realize it wasn’t so much about that, but more so the adventure I shared with my father, and that something as cheap and silly as a McDonald’s McRib created a memory I will never forget for the rest of my life.

It’s funny how those small types of moments are the ones that stick out in our lives.  Whether it’s sharing a McRib with your father, belting out the tunes of Jewel at the top of your lungs with some boundary babes after a long and dirty excursion through the northern Minnesota wilderness, or watching a beautiful sunset while listening to a beautiful song after a long and frustrating day, even if some crackpot ultimately ruins the moment for you.  You get to stop time for that short moment and remind yourself that all the material things we obsess about, our clothes, gadgets, jobs; none of it matters in the grand scheme of the entire universe.  It makes you thankful for what you have and the people that care about you.  It’s a liberation that always puts a smile on your face, no matter what.

Over the years, it seemed that my dad and I would find an excuse to sneak out of the house on Thanksgiving, finding a way to pick up a McRib during the excursion.  For one, they’re mighty tasty, but they also remind us of that special moment many years ago when we bonded over the simple sandwich and had to work together to avoid punishment for our actions.  It helps us to reflect on the important things in life, which is maybe one of the reasons why I love that sandwich so much, and get all giddy like a little school girl whenever it reenters my life in the early parts of November.  And the funny thing is, we’ve never gotten in trouble for our pre-Thanksgiving meal… Ever! (Note: I believe my mom’s starting to catch on throughout many years of us disappearing for an hour every Thanksgiving, by setting out hors d’oeuvres right before the meal.  And of course after reading this, she’ll be on the defensive this year…  Big time!  We still find a way though.  We always do.)

Throughout the holiday season, there’s a lot of hectic commotion going on.  Whether it’s prepping for parties, or buying gifts, cooking dinner, and running about for God knows what, we tend to get side tracked and caught up in the moment, forgetting the reasons for why we celebrate, which is natural.  We’re all human for Denny’s sake!

But every now and then during all the madness, we come across a moment beyond our control, where time kind of just stops, and all we can do is observe and ponder among the ambiance.  If you happen to be lucky enough experience a moment like this during the Thanksgiving holiday, or any day for that matter, try to take a step back and reflect on your life and your surroundings.  You may just find yourself in one of those beautiful moments that you’ll remember for the rest of your life.  It’s in those moments that we’ll know what’s most important to us, and what we’re truly thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving.

-Grizzly Chadams

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Government Inspectors, Washington State Ferry Protocol, and the Legend of Hannah Hunt

It was just one of those beautiful Saturday mornings in Seattle, where every once in a blue moon, on EXTREMELY rare occasions, there’s a break from the constant rain fall that the city is known for and the summer sun shines bright through a cloudless sky.  You walk out the door facing the west and are greeted by the majestic Olympic Mountain range glowing across the Puget Sound onto the famous Seattle landmarks such as Pike’s Place Market and the Space Needle.  Take a look back to the east and there lays the bright and beautiful Cascades, separating the abundantly green and rain soaked forests of Western Washington from the harsh and desolate climate of the east side of the State.  And then to the southeast, there sits Mount Rainer, the grand daddy of em’ all in its full glory, beaming over the city and sitting dormant over the younger peaks, shining vividly behind the morning sun as it reflects off its blanket of snow that permanently covers the rocky sculpture.

 

The perfect Saturday for adventure, exploration, and indulgence of the final days of summer…  And I was on my way to work, just like a schmuck!  Just me and my senior technician and advanced material warrior Sheila to support the mission of the Navy and deliver the boat back out to sea from the emergent work recently pressed upon us.  If we failed, we were going to get crapped on big time.  And if we succeed, well, we’d still probably get crapped on, but it didn’t matter.  We were going in and giving it our all to support the mission, because it’s the right thing to do.

 

The morning went by and we blazed through our paper.  I mean, we were on a hot roll like butter!  Writing, reviewing, correcting, signing and finally issuing. We had done our job and it was time to go home, and it wasn’t even noon!  With no more issues, Sheila, our fearless material battler walked out the door.  “I’m going to check my facebook and then I’ll be out here,” I said as she waved goodbye.  What’s a few seconds to check facebook?  No big deal…  And then, within those precious few seconds, Sheila’s phone rang.

 

I was reluctant to pick it up, for I knew whatever came through the receiver would be pain and suffering, but being a man of honor, I picked up the phone.  Code 133, the government material inspectors, calling at the worst possible moment… and in shipyard terms, right on time.

 

Now, ask me a question about pipe stress, how much pressure’s involved, or velocity and flow, I’m there.  I use Bernoulli’s Equation like sailor’s use profanity, and twice as efficient.  But when it comes to material issues, I’m SOL, and without Sheila, I was cornered, faced with an onslaught of weapons they had no shame in deploying.

 

“We need a Certificate of Compliance for the ball valve…  This is MCD-B Material and must go through RIP-25 inspection criteria with SOC 12 attributes…  The VG SMIC code does not apply to for this application.  This material is cleaned per MIL-STD-1330 and is going into a MIL-STD-1622 System…  The material specifies CRES 304 but the physical and chemical composition leads to CRES 316…”  And on and on and on.  It was like they were speaking some foreign language, and I had to somehow decipher all the mumbo jumbo and get this material down to the shop for work and get it sent out to Guam by the end of the day!

 

Meanwhile, I have the material manager calling me every 10 minutes on my case for why the material isn’t where it’s supposed to be, the shop wondering why they haven’t started work yet, the project engineer putting in his two cents, and my Guam counterpart whom I call “The Yardman” eagerly piling on more work for us.  “Oh yea, Zack and Sheila, those guys can do anything, they’ll support you no problem.”  I appreciate the kind words, but I really could’ve gone for mediocre as I watched the last heat waves of summer slowly fizzle away from my cubicle.

 

The grueling material battle pursued throughout the afternoon, going back and forth, hitting brick wall after brick wall.  Every solution was met a demoralizing threat of losing my job, or being audited, or being critiqued, or being a total piece of crap.  They always have some stupid rule or regulation to rain on our parade with, and there’s only so much a man can take.  I was spent, totally depleted with any will to carry on and fight.  And I’m very ashamed to say, but I was ready to give up the fight.

 

“Oh gee, look at here, this is on the same contract of ball and seat kits we ordered a month ago, this material is ok after all!” Quality Assurance had an epiphany.  I had won, the material finally got sent to the shop, just in time for them to go home after 8 hours of sitting around on overtime.  But who cares? I was free to go, just in time to grab a Jimmy John’s Italian Nightclub sandwich, TBO with hot peppers and catch the 4:20 ferry back to Seattle.  All that was left was a report on our status to the Yardman.

 

“Oh by the way, Quality Assurance has a snubber valve that’s stuck in receipt inspection that needs to be shipped out Monday.  Can we count on you to support?”

 

“Are you freaking kidding me???  No way, not doing it.  Sorry.  ain’t gonna happen. Screw you guys, I’m going home!”  The phrase flowed through my mind as if I had recited it 1000 times before, and the Yardman was going to receive it, whether he liked it or not.  I opened my mouth and delivered the devastating blow, almost in the exact same fashion.

 

“Sure, I’d be more than happy to help you guys out!”  I answered.  Being a young impressionable engineer once again proved to be sucky, adding a two-hour delay to my Jimmy John’s indulgence.

 

It had been 11-hour of straight work, and I barely had the strength to catch the 6:40 departure.  Nonetheless, I putted into the ferry terminal totally drain, but with Jimmy John’s in hand.  I tore into that sandwich, the first grain of ecstasy since breakfast; and man was it good.  The organic compounds secreted into my mouth with each bite, reacting with my taste buds and sending a signal of culinary delight throughout my body.  I ate at a brisk pace, for I did not want this sensation to skip a single beat.

 

I was on the brink of complete satisfaction, down to the last two bites of my succulent sandwich, when a sudden unprecedented interruption thwarted my pleasurable dining experience.

 

“Nice Bike.  That one’s got some miles on it.”

 

I turned in observance of this mysterious voice.  A haggard looking old dude shot me a smile as if he’d just hopped his last train to make it out west.  Scraggily gray hair, a few missing teeth and screws here and there, probably lived under a bridge or two…  Pretty much a spitting image of Ben Woodward in 30 years. 

 

“Oh great,” I thought to myself.  I appreciated the kind words, for my bike is pretty awesome, but I knew all too well that he wasn’t going to stop talking.”  And that’s exactly what he did.  He talked…  About his prefrabricated house he was going to buy, how expensive Seattle is, how he was a Vietnam vet, how Christine Gregoire was a terrible governer, and on and on and on for over 10 minutes.  I waited and waited, listening to this guy, responding with platitudes, just to be polite.

 

“Oh yea, politicians are terrible people,” or “the Seahawks are doing pretty good this year,” or “Yes, Kanye West is the greatest musical genius of our generation.”  I responded, not really knowing if the response were appropriate, but too generic and truth-based to argue against.  Secretly however, I was just praying that the boarding bell would ring so I could devour the rest of this sandwich that was just torturing me as it sat in my hands uneaten. Forget water boarding, this was 10 times worse.

 

Finally as the buzzer rang and I was free from the shackles of the blabbering old man, I bolted on board in the most casual way possible to act like I didn’t care about getting on first, a common theme among shipyard workers while boarding the ferry.  In the morning it’s a mad dash to park your bike and grab your booth before the walk-ons snag it, except obtaining your seat is more of an art than a race.  You see, racing onto the ferry is frowned upon amongst the young professionals, and there’s a fine balance between running to your seat and acting like you don’t care about it, the later being the much more delicate.

 

And if your seat happens to be taken before you get there, you have to pretend like it doesn’t matter.  But deep down, everyone cares.  I mean, I sat and listened to Amarosa vent for over a half hour at work about some dingus who decided to start taking his seat every morning, not to mention the countless times that I’ve been absolutely up in arms because the weird guy whom we’ve named “Blade,” with his ripped up coat and balding hair style that looks as if he took chunks of hair and glued them to random parts of his head waddles on the ferry and snags my spot.  And because making a scene on the ferry is taboo, I quietly find another booth and let the incident eat me up inside throughout the rest of the day.

 

Luckily Blade wasn’t there this time, so I found a prime seat with ease before the walk-ons had their say.  Sadly though, it only took minutes for my position to be compromised as a large family with a dozen rambunctious kids found a booth next to mine. There’s nothing worse on the commute home than trying to take a nap after a punishing day at work with a couple of parents next to you who decided to bring their army of homegrown minions along, untrained in the ways of public obedience.  I could all ready hear the stomps and screams of the young punks raising hell all around my personal space, and had a 6th sense that the parents had no intention of disciplining their children throughout the trip.  I wasn’t having any of that this time. Not on this day!

 

I quickly relocated to a booth on the opposite side, where I was still in the vicinity of a few yappers, but nothing a veteran of the ferry commute couldn’t handle, as I popped in my headphones and dozed off into a slumber to the tropical rock riffs of Vampire Weekend.

 

I procured their most recent CD during my trek from Minnesota to Wisconsin via iPhone (the wonders of technology).  I listened to their hit “Unbelievers” on the car ride to the airport with my friend Cambra, and it got stuck in my head from there on out.  From that point on, I had to listen to it over and over as if it were an ode to my memories in the state of Minnesota, saying goodbye to one journey and hello to a slate of new adventures.

 

To be fair however, that wasn’t the first time I’d listened to that CD.  In fact, I had listened to it during another car ride to another airport with my older sister Alicia driving.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t give it the attention it deserved, for all I could remember of that trip was how bad I had to pee, and the stubborn sister who refused to stop at Hardees so I could relieve myself of the pain, and possibly grab a double XL fully loaded omelet biscuit.  Why not kill two birds with one stone??

 

She was very insistent on performing a hydrostatic strength test of my bladder during that car ride, which in the engineering world, is a test that’s performed on a component at 150% of it’s maximum operating pressure, just as an extra safety precaution.  Usually, these tests last about 5 minutes.  However she was determined to make this a 1-hour test, and I have to say I was getting kind of pissed off!  No pun intended.  Actually, people always say that, and I never took the time to research what the origins of that phrase are, or what it truly means, so I think I’ll go out on a limb here.  There was plenty of pun intended, as it ruined the CD for me for the longest time!

 

But as I awoke from my slumber due to the changes in speed as the ferry prepared to dock (after years of commuting, it kind of acts as a biological clock), the delay of me buying that CD due to my sister’s attempt to blow apart my bladder actually started to make sense in a strange way.

 

Hannah Hunt started playing, a song I had grown very fond of over the last few weeks, and at the exact time the soft piano riff mixed with calypso sliding guitar played into my ear, I looked out over the water and witnessed one of the most beautiful sunsets I can ever remember seeing in a city.  A blood red sky melted over the vast skyscrapers that mended into a purple haze between the cracks of the high-rise buildings, all peering through a small cluster of cumulus clouds.  And to top it off, the reflection of the water bounced off the glass windows of the towering structures, sending a green tint glowing throughout the appropriately named Emerald City.

 

And after a day where it seemed as if everything that could go wrong did go wrong, I finally had this moment of peace and serenity.  The calming tunes flowing through my head mixed with the beautiful scenery of manmade wonders all came together at a perfect time, where suddenly, God stopped the world for just that moment, all for me, after I having such a stressful and chaotic day.  It had to be a sign, and I took it as such, about how lucky I was to be alive in this moment, at this exact place, at this exact time.

 

And it’s funny how at times where your in hell and you think that there’s no way out of the madness that surrounds you, you can find comfort in the slightest things that make you appreciate the beauty of life.  The last time I remember having this feeling was during finals week in college, where I was working at ungodly hours on a project for my thermal systems design class, and I trotted to my partners house in the deep snow, carrying a backpack full of energy drinks to carry us on through the night.  It was a moment free of the tension of engineering calculations that had been polluting my life for the past month.  I looked up at the snowfall, the white mist, and the glow of light from the blanket of snow covering the Palouse at 2AM.  It was so calming, and brought great perspective to the world at that moment, making you realize the things you think are important to you can really be just miniscule in the grand scheme of things…

 

 “If I can’t trust you then damn it Hannah.  There’s no future, there’s no answer,” the lead singer lightly sang as I rose from my seat and proceeded to the car deck to hop on my bike.  Usually at this moment of the ferry ride, I’m pumping some Kanye, getting into the zone and ready to take on the world, when my Co-worker Justin taps me on the shoulder with some worthless remark that I don’t give a crap about.

 

“Hey, did you see the hot girl on the ferry with the backpack?  Huh huh, huh huh…”

 

“Yes Justin, I saw the hot girl, and I saw her the day before, and the previous day, and everyday before that whenever you point her out to me.  Thanks so much again for pointing her out and ruining the moment…  Again.”

 

But not this time.  There was nobody to bother me, and I strutted through the ferry with a stupid grin on my face looking like a weirdo, just like Blade.  I didn’t care the slightest bit.

 

The song kicked into the bridge, where a drum fill sets up a rockin’ piano solo with a burst of energy, all leading up to the grand finale where the singer reprises the chorus, belting it out at the top of his lungs!  I was going to bust out of that ferry terminal with a newfound passion in life, ready for anything to come my way.  I grabbed my bike with only seconds left till the finale.  I was shaking with excitement and anticipation for the chorus, about to have the greatest moment of my life…

 

And there he was.  The haggard old vet.  Staring right at me, as if he’d been waiting for me this whole time…  You got to be kidding me.

 

I prayed that he would mind his own business, as any desperate man does when he realizes he’s run out of options.  It’s all we can do.  Maybe to my luck, he wouldn’t have anything to say, and he’d let me be on my merry way.  But that’s nonsense.  You can’t just ignore the laws of physics.  And just as they proved, he opened his mouth.

 

I pulled out my Apple ear buds right before the grand reprise I’d been anticipating ever since that glorious moment of tranquility, as if I were saying goodbye to my son as he boarded the school bus for the very first time.  My heart sunk deep into my chest.  I was completely devastated.  My perfect moment over, and I didn’t have the audacity to break ferry protocol and blow the guy off.

 

Everything that was good about the day, the sunset, the song, the serenity, gone.  Totally evaporated.  Vanished.  Obliterated.  Destroyed!  Demolished!  Abandoned!  Left cut open in the middle of the desert and unable to move while vultures come every half an hour and peck at your internal organs that are baking in the smoldering hot sun, leaving you with a slow and painful death.  And very rapidly, I started remembering all the crappy events that had led up to this point.  All because of this one freaking guy who made me miss the best part of the song!  Don’t even get me sarted on the Jimmy John’s! 

 

I don’t remember a single thing from the conversation I was so mad! All I could think about was how much his words were tearing me up inside due to the fact that I couldn’t listen to the rest of my song and fulfill the glorious moment I was having!  First the Jimmy John’s, now this???

 

ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS LISTEN TO HANNAH HUNT!  IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT???  JUST A FEW MORE SECONDS TO ENJOY MY SONG IS ALL I ASK OF YOU!  AND YOU FREAKING ROBBED ME OF THAT!!!  WHY???

 

Well old man, if you’re out there, who knows why you had to talk to me that day.  Maybe you took a look at your life and realized I’m a lot like you.  I hope you enjoy your new pre-fabricated house, because I certainly didn’t enjoy the rest of my day.  Ughz.

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Wisconsin: The Conclusion

A slight drizzle covered the lake house that somber Sunday morning in flawless fashion to supplement the mood of saying goodbye.  I had just spent an almost perfect week in the state of Wisconsin and now the thought of heading to work at 5 in the morning was all ready making my body cringe.

 

I took a moment to breath in a few last molecules of Chain o’ Lakes air, but due to the fact that I was “dilly dallying” (as my mother used to say) the night before, that moment was cut short, and a classic race against time scenario was in play to pack my belongings into my undersized carry-on and catch my plane.  To my luck though, I would find the Appleton airport to be much smaller in size compared to SeaTac, and navigating through security and to my gate was a breeze, turning my crush on time into a non-issue (after the fact that is).

 

I boarded the plane and found my seat, finally getting a moment to relax after the Chinese fire drill that consisted of me scurrying to the airport.  I leaned back and shut my eyes as the flight attendant instructed us of what to do in case we fall to our immanent doom…  And that’s when it set in.  My grandparents were selling the house.  It was the last time I’d ever step foot in that place ever again.

 

Immediately, memories started to flood my head, one after another.  I embraced the opportunity and pondered on each passing one, letting the nostalgia sink in before moving on to the next, further exploring the infinitesimal alleys of the mind…

 

 

I still can still remember walking into that house for the very fist time.  Through the eyes of an 8-year old boy, I saw a gargantuan castle on the water filled with secret passages, built in intercoms, and 1000’s of square feet to provide me with hours of exotic exploration.  Not to mention an arsenal of toys at my disposal: speedboats, inner tubes, noodles, a floating dock, fishing poles, paddle boats, you name it!  This place had it all.  And for a kid growing up in the 90’s, it was a Big F***in’ Deal (to quote our often candid vice-president)!

 

Us kids were wired from the get go the night the Bero’s and the Wohler’s came together for the first time to celebrate the holy union of my grandma and grandpa. Everyone had a lot to prove to each other, especially me.  I did my part by devising a secret scheme with the big boys to sneak into the girl’s bunk and pour water into all of their sleeping bags, leaving them completely miserable for their night’s slumber.  My stunt had gained enough respect from the older cousins that lasted through the wedding, however my cousin Brian and step-cousin Hans had different plans, for my devious plot was pork and beans compared to what they were about to pull off.

 

The adults that night found it in their best interest to separate themselves from their kids, which proved to be a foolish choice after Cousin Brian and Step-Cousin Hans found an empty champagne bottle, in which they proceeded to fill it up with a half and half mixture of 7-Up and Sunkist Orange Soda.  While Step-Cousin Hannah played a dramatic tune on the piano resembling a legato/minor ragtime feel, the two took turns taking pulls from the bottle, simulating the effects of two pre-teens getting completely plastered (pulling it off quite well actually).  It didn’t take long for their slurred words and stumbling about the house to make it to the upstairs in full view of grandma.  She cried out in disgust and embarrassment, especially after they spilled soda all over the carpet in front of the new members of our family, setting a perfect Wohlers example for years to come! 

 

Luckily for Cousin Brain, he’s always been grandma’s favorite, and can get away with just about anything, and Step-Cousin Hans wasn’t officially our cousin yet, so a high energy scolding was waived, and the two were able to continue with their wild antics with little consequence throughout the night, as well as future visits.

 

We learned a many great traits of the lake, including how to tube like a champ, the art of fish filleting with grandpa (in all honesty I never really got that one down very well), and even how to go pee when you’re out in the middle of the lake (consisting of draining the bladder into an old coffee cup and dumping it overboard).  Some of those skills came in handy when my cousin Kimmy and I took the paddleboat out to the floating dock and I caught a nice blue gill in front of a bunch of slightly intoxicated locals passing along in their pontoon (fortunately, I didn’t have to pee that time).  They cheered over my success, only to berate me when Kimmy unhooked the fish for me (I know right.  A girl unhooking a fish? It’s Crazy!).  APPARENTLY I wasn’t man enough to do it myself.

 

And somewhere along the timeline of our childhood Cousin Brain, totally oblivious to his surroundings, walked straight through the screen door in front of the whole family.  Everybody talks of the incident as if it’s the Holy Grail of events that occurred at the cabin, and for the longest time I pretended to know all about it.  But to be honest, I have no recollection of that ever occurring.  Not even of grandma blowing a gasket (And believe me, I would’ve remembered that)!  It kind of makes me mad, the fact that I’ll never fully relate to such an epic tale that will be passed down for generations, and that is still being retold to this day.  Maybe I’ll get over it…  Someday.

 

During one summer, my family and I drove all the way to Wisconsin from Washington, one of the best family vacations we ever had in my book (one where my little sis found the urge to bite into the bottom of a Styrofoam cup, spilling a quart of lemonade all over the Burb’s interior, but that’s a whole other story).  I was cruising in the back seat of our baby blue Suburban with my Pokémon (Red Version) Game Boy game with the mega-hits of the late 90’s blasting through the speakers, which was all I needed to last through the trek.  The hits included Smashmouth’s “All-Star,” The Abercrombie and Fitch Song, Pearl Jam’s “Oh where, oh where has my baby been,” and Six-Pence, None the Richer.  It was the peak of the 90’s Alternative Rock sensation as so elegantly reflected upon the styles of us teenage cousins and our excitement over Woodstock 99.

 

Once we arrived at Grandma and Grandpa’s that summer, the tunes got a little more explicit when I reunited with Kimmy, who had acquired quite the potty mouth since the last time we hung out.  Regardless of her tendencies to speak as if she had the mouth a sailor, we were busy rockin’ out to Limp Bizkit, Blink 182, and any other dirty band that Cousin Holly had introduced us to, for she was full blown into her pop-punk/hardcore phase at that point.

 

And when Cousin Brain showed up, all he could talk about was American Pie, and how it was the greatest freaking thing that ever happened in the 20th century.  For hours he was talking a million miles a minute, babbling on about who got naked, what ridiculous thing this one kid did, who said all the swears, and on and on and on…  Jesus Christ the guy wouldn’t shut up about it!  And I was hanging on his every word, totally obsessed.

 

“Shannon Elizabeth’s boobs?  He does what to a pie?”  Holy crap I was salivating!  The way he was describing it, I figured it was going to be this generation’s Gone With the Wind, and during the next year, I made it my goal to see this magnificent accomplishment of cinema magic, no matter the cost.  And as it turned out, when my best friend Austin Moody got his heart broken later that year, his mom felt bad for him and rented American Pie for us to watch.  It turned out to be everything my Cousin described it to be…  And so much more…

 

Once we finally bloomed into adults (about ten years later), we realized that no matter how much we had grown, some things never change.  With all of the cousins back at the cabin, we could only act mature for so long before something got out of hand.  It probably started during the bon-fire after I spent about an hour chasing Kimmy’s kids around.  “You’re it!” Carson would scream after an unsuspecting tag, followed by a most devilish laugh as if she knew she was going to put you through hell just to tag her back.  Miraculously, they would all tucker out and go to sleep.  But that’s when the real trouble would begin.

 

Tony (Kimmy’s Husband), Nick and I stumbled upon a stash of fireworks in the water sports shed after we had polished off a few brews.  “Yea!  Let’s light them off!  That sounds like a fantastic idea in the middle of the night!”  So we did…  ending up waking half the lake in the process.

 

The next morning, I walked into an overflow of verbal abuse at the house.  “What were you doing lighting off those fireworks?” my grandma sneered.  1: She didn’t have to scream and embarrass me in front of all my aunts and uncles.  I go through enough crap as it is.  2: She had absolutely no proof it was me who lit the fireworks off!  As soon as I walked in, she just ASSUMED I was the one who lit off the fireworks.  This is America for God’s sakes!  Innocent until proven guilty!

 

Yea, I lit the fireworks off, so?  I’m always the guy taking the blame, no matter what!  Maybe it’s me who causes the most trouble around the cabin, but regardless, it’s still a bunch of bull crap if you ask me!

 

Not all the trips to the Chain O’Lakes were of the recreational sort however.  In fact, some of those trips proved to be very humbling experiences.  One such occasion was when we joined together to mourn the death of my Aunt Cathy, who had passed from a long and painful struggle with cancer.  I’ll never forget the storm of emotions floating around that cold January weekend in 2011, all leading up to the NFC championship between the Packers and the Bears.  That Sunday, we gathered at the grandparent’s house and we watched the Packer game as a family, hoping and praying for a win, some type of sign to let us know that her spirit was still with us.

 

And when BJ Raji intercepted Jay Cutler’s pass and ran in for a pick 6, we went ballistic!  We recreated his famous “Teach me how to Raji” dance, and jumped all around the house, hooting and hollering, performing silly dances, doing push-ups…  Well, I think I was the only one doing push-ups and stupid dances (I don’t quite have all the details nailed down), but the one thing that was for certain was the explosion of positive energy that surfaced in that house when the Packers defeated the Bears, sending them to win Super Bowl 45.

 

After moments like that, I think it’s only natural to wonder if your loved one’s had a hand in that game.  Now it’s unlikely that the good lord meddles in the affairs of NFL teams, but victories like these remind us that our loved ones are always watching out for us, as was Cathy during the game, and will continue to do so throughout our lives.  It reminded me of her positive and easygoing spirit, for she never got too worked up over things, knowing that life was too short to waste getting upset over things that don’t matter in the long term.  Even in her final hours, we were told she was still cracking jokes doing her best to keep us from worrying about her fate.  I think she understood that this was just one step in a grander picture, and that we would all be reunited with her in heaven someday soon.  And until then, we should enjoy the small victories like seeing our favorite team reach the Super Bowl.

 

And as it turns out, it is those small things that will stick with me the most.  My grandpa’s off-colored jokes, for which it seemed as if he’d always have a new one ready for us to crack up at each visit.  Listening to that Rihanna song (Oh na na, what’s my name?) during my work out and runs around the lake, and enjoying happy hour every 4 PM at the house with the relatives, devising new tricks to getting under grandma’s skin (I should add that I have a pretty high success rate).  It’s as if they all come together in a grand picture to make up a culture, where it might not be just a single memory that you miss, but the overall feeling of being in a place you hold dear in your heart where so many special things have taken place.

 

And nothing cut deeper into my heart like the times when I could sit on the dock and watch the hot summer sun set on the lake, reflecting the golden rays of light back on the lakefront property.  There’s an amazing phenomenon that happens during a sunset, one of those things that settles the soul and brings serenity to your life at that very moment.  As if time slows down, and no matter how hectic life gets, you always have time to sit down and reflect on it whenever that great ball of burning mass lowers itself from the sky.

 

And for a final time one evening during my vacation, with an old fashion in hand and the new Daft Punk album pumping into my ears, I was able to do just that; Reflect, and write…   About life, love, how blessed I was to be in such a beautiful setting, and whatever else was going on in that crazy head of mine.  I reminisced about the importance of family and how my grandparents had provided us grandchildren with the ability to acquire such wonderful memories over the past 20 years.   A place where I truly felt at home and could flourish with my talents to unlimited bounds.  A place I had grown to love and would have to come back to, retaining the sprit of the Chain O’Lakes with me wherever I would go.

 

I thought about all of those memories and so much more on that plane ride back to Seattle, for so many things occur inside the human brain in such a short period of time, far too much for us to ever understand.  Your thoughts and senses cause reactions that send signals through your body that release different chemicals, causing us to react a certain way.  Whether it’s pain, happiness, anger, you name it. The brain controls it.  And the usual emotion that comes from reliving great memories in your life is a bit of sadness and depression, for you may miss those days, or possibly be horrified at some of the choices you had made.  But for some reason, I didn’t feel that at all.  Instead, after looking back at my time in Wisconsin, I felt an emotion that hadn’t been felt in a long time…

 

I became inspired.

 

I realized how much I had taken the lake for granted over the years; the cabin, all the toys, the boat, and the property itself.  All of that didn’t just appear for my family one day.  It came from the expense of hard work and sacrifice from my grandpa, who had a dream.  Working through the ranks in his career, and through his sincere dedication, he eventually became the president of his company and was able to provide his family with an unimaginable gift that we were able to enjoy throughout the passing years.  A place where my grandparents got to watch us play out on the floating dock, take us on pontoon rides through the lake, and send us to their secret fishing spots around the lake to come back with bucket full of blue gill for the evening’s fish fry.

 

A place where we would get in trouble and have the opportunity to learn from our mistakes, whether it’s lighting fireworks in the middle of the night, using an Ouija board and forever haunting the downstairs living room, or walking through a screen door in front of the whole family.  A place where we could laugh and love by singing songs and doing ridiculous tricks in your Speedo for passing boaters, or gather around the campfire to share your words of wisdom, such as the greatest movies of the 20th century, or just sit out on the lake during a summer sunset to appreciate the magnificence of life.  But most of all, it was a place that my grandparents could watch us kids grown into self-sustaining adults, forge life-long memories, and make us realize the importance of family and how great life can truly be with it.

 

It took me 20 years to realize how precious this gift was, and how grateful I was to be able to spend the time I did in such a wonderful place.  I didn’t want to see it go, didn’t want it to be the last time I’d ever see it.  So I became inspired; that someday, I could work hard and utilize my talents to become successful, just as my grandpa had.  That someday, I could maybe find my own special little place where I can bring my family and watch them grow up; where they can create their own memories to pass down to their children.  It inspired me to create my own destiny, that I can someday find my own house and cabin on the Chain O’ Lakes.

 

And while I’m finishing this post, I find it appropriate that I’m sipping on an old fashion, a perfect Midwest cocktail to compliment the memoirs of my epic Wisconsin trip.  It’s made up of a mix of cherries and oranges, two fruits reflecting the attitudes of the people of Wisconsin; a certain quaintness and sweetness that you just can’t find anywhere else.  The whiskey, which allows us to let loose every now and then, for there’s no need to be overly judgmental in the Badger State.  Add a little bit of 7-up, to provide a little excitement, in the same fashion every Wisconsin trip brings.  All poured over a cup full of ice to remind us how strong and lumber the people of Wisconsin are when they go through the great pains of enduring freezing temperatures and harsh winters to support the things they love and hold dearest to their hearts, kind of like they did during the ice bowl many moons ago.  And to top it off, add few sprinkles of aromatic bitter, for yes, life throws us curveballs from time to time, but mixed with a supporting family of tasty ingredients, we take it all in and remember that life is good, and will always be good in this gem of the Midwest.

 

So with my old fashion in hand, I would like to propose a toast.  Here’s to the great state of Wisconsin.  A state I can’t wait to come back to and make even more fantastic memories for the many years to come.

 

Till next time Wisconsin.  I’ll see you soon…

 

Grizzly Chadams

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Wisconsin: Part 3

It was the night after the Packer game…  And they lost… Big time.  17-0.  But it was preseason, so who cares?!!

 

It was just great to be a part of the game day atmosphere with family and friends and prepare for yet another season of hard hits and epic pigskin battles.  So we celebrated, Wisconsin style…  We went to the bar.

 

We walked into the Harbor Bar in style as if we owned the place, immediately grooving to the top 40 hits blasting through the speakers.  We mingled and drank with the locals; clad with green and yellow face paint all over our bodies, with of course the American Flag bandana wrapped around my forehead.  What can I say?  I love my country!

 

It didn’t take long for the drinks to start pouring, and the dance floor looked more and more appealing with each shot of Yager sliding down my throat.  I looked at Nick, and he looked at me.  We didn’t even have to say anything.  Our 6th sense beams of communication connected and we knew exactly what we were going to do.  “Lets do this,” I said, responding to his nod of approval, and we stepped out onto the waxed wooden floor, greeting a group of bachelorette party goers waiting for some Wisconsin bachelors to sweep them off their feet.

 

Within seconds we began to impress with our vast collection of dance moves, ranging from the Miley Cyrus twerks to the smooth and sensual hip flow from the “Teach Me How to Dougie” Era.  I even made my way back to my roots, the Western Swing, a dance I had mastered at a young age when my partner and I got 2nd place in Mrs. Lyons 6th grade dance contest (I still think we got robbed of grand champion, but that’s a whole other story).

 

It was then when she came up to me and brought her mouth close to my ear.  She had prepared a soft phrase; I think something along the lines of the music selection.  It was either that or my strong resemblance to Aaron Rodgers…  Probably the later.  We got to talking, which led to a drink.

 

“Could this be the one?” I asked myself.  Now this was no boundary babe by any stretch of the imagination, and she had a bit of an attitude, but she was pretty decent looking and was sporting some Packer attire, so I found it in my best judgment to afford her a piece of my time.

 

Her name was Erica, and she was definitely playing hard to get.  But I saw right through the guise and never lost my composure, even with the obnoxious idiot behind us throwing terrible pick up lines towards her.  He was desperate, so I just sat back and watched him dig his own grave.  He couldn’t have made it any easier for me to swoop in for the kill.

 

There I was, just about ready to lay down the finishing move when my younger sister approached the scene.  She’s a great soul full of energy, but still has much to learn, especially from me.  She took a look at Erica and gave her opinion, for which being a patriotic American and supporter of the First Amendment, I totally appreciate.  “She looks trashy,” she whispered in my ear.  Only one problem; her “Whisper” was heard all across the bar, and right into the direction of my new Wisconsin interest…

 

Long story short, that there went my chances.  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bummed out, but no matter what, you always have to side with family in situations like these.  I guess I’ll never know if Erica was truly the one…

 

No matter the circumstance, there was no need to fret over lost love at this time, for come morning it would be my last day in Wisconsin.  And I had to make it count!  Being an established beer drinker, I awoke bright and early at sunup with no consequences from the night before.  I wish I could say the same for little sis, but as I touched on earlier, she is prone to making foolish decisions from time to time.

 

And I’m sorry to say, but she wasn’t fooling anybody when she tried sneaking into the bathroom for a little relief of the bottle flu after a far prolonged sleep session past noon.  I’ll never quite know for certain, but I think it was the sound of her coughing up dinosaurs that bellowed throughout the halls of my grandparents that gave it away; fair retribution for ruining my chances with Erica.

 

“Hey how’s it going?” she tried pulling off with an innocent smile on her face towards mom and grandma…  Right after she had finished barfing her brains out in the toilet.  My mom and I looked at her and laughed our butts off.  My grandma acted like she didn’t know what was going on, but she knew full well the mess that Emily had gotten herself into.  I’m sure she’s gotten herself into a few messes from time to time.  It’s in our blood, and I know she totally related to the experience Em was facing when she blasted chunks of destruction into the transportation sector of Waupaca’s sewage treatment plant.

 

However, with a little help from her family followed by a pontoon ride around the Chain O’Lakes with Captain Brian at the helm, she was back and business and we were off to a great last day in Wisconsin.  The cavalry was out and about across the lake with everyone in central Wisconsin conversing to Waupaca to enjoy their beautiful Saturday on the lake.  And boy was I eating every up every minute of it!

 

It was a fun-filled day of chilling at the lake with our beer and kooskis…  POSSIBLY being a little heavy on the beer.  After sucking a few cold ones down and suffering nibble wounds from the baby blue gill roaming about the lake (the little bastards just kept biting at me!), I was out on the dock rockin’ out with in my Speedo with the ol’ guitar belting out the tunes of Neil Young, Nicki Minaj, and Carly Rae Jepson of “Call Me Maybe” fame.  The passing patrons were loving it, often stopping for a cheer or two, further adding to my confidence level.  And it didn’t stop there.

 

I continued with the entertainment, moving onto the floating dock by showing off my greatest diving board moves, from flips, to dives, and even some mega huge cannon balls.  I was doing it all.

 

Out in the distance, I spotted some honeys passing by on their kayaks.  We made eye contact, and with my 20/15 vision I could make out a slight blush coming from one of them.  It had to be my rock hard washboard abs complemented with my tight fit Speedo that they found so admiring. I guess those years of push-ups, planks, and sit-ups finally paid off.

 

My mind was racing for ideas for my next trick.  They were coming my way at a swift pace.  Impressing them rapidly became my number one priority.  I had almost conceived the perfect flip in mind and was on the verge of execution.  Then all of a sudden, a voice hollered from behind me, disrupting my much important concentration.

 

“Belly Flop!” it shouted.  I turned to my back to find the culprit.  I figured it would be a cowardly being hiding behind the oak trees that guarded the beachfront.  Instead, I saw Nick holding his beer in the air with a stupid grin on his face, proud of his clumsily made comment.

 

“Shut up Nick” I sneered back, but the chants kept on coming, this time from the rest of the cousins.  I was a second from swimming over and beating him up, when I heard more cheers, this time from the middle of the lake.  I looked back and there was a pontoon full of young bucks egging me on.

 

I was pretty upset at this whole conundrum I was in, the most upset I’ve been since my sister screwed me over with this girl named Erica; but at the same time, I was in total contemplation, for now there was a crowd to please.  I still remember the pain I went through at Kelsee Tower’s 6th grade graduation party (or 7th grade, anything before 8th grade is kind of fuzzy) when me, Ben Grimm, and some other dingus (I honestly forget the other boy was) decided to impress the girls with some belly flops in her pool.  Jesus Christ I remember it hurting like crap!  The worst part was, I had to act manly and pretend it didn’t hurt!  I was still a boy, and that kind of thing takes a toll during that part of your life!  Anyway, that was the last belly flop I ever did, and I vowed never to do another one as long as I lived.

 

But now the pressure was on, for another pontoon had shown up.  This time full of drunk buttholes, but still fans nonetheless who fancied themselves with the words “Belly” and “Flop” back to back and repeated over and over again.  It was getting harder to say no, but yet there was still not enough incentive to convince me it was a good idea.  So I stalled, hoping they would grow tired for their chanting and move on to the next thrill.

 

But these alcoholic lake venturers were determined, and the more I delayed, the harder they chanted.  AND to add to my luck, yet another pontoon showed up, further inflaming the excitement of the belly flop mantra.  “BELLY FLOP, BELLY FLOP!”  It got louder and louder, and from all corners of the Waupaca Chain o’ Lakes.  I swear people were reciting it from two lakes down.  They couldn’t see the action, but they knew something grandiose was about to happen, and wanted to be part of the experience.

 

In my world there are two types of pain.  The pain you experience after doing something foolish and not knowing of the consequences of your actions.  And then there’s the pain you experience with the full knowledge that what you’re about to do is going to hurt like hell, but it has to be done anyway, which takes much more courage than the prior.  And by God, I knew this was going to suck, but now with a crowd of 50+ waiting for the big jump and the kayak babes drawing closer in my line of sight anticipating the great performance, it was time to act, to sit up or shut up; and at this point I couldn’t let them down.

 

I took a deep breath and prepared myself for a leap that would send me into great agony, just like many of my heroes from the Green Bay Packers had faced in their moments where they had to make the choice of victory and sacrifice over failure and comfort.  I stepped onto the diving board, took a giant bounce, and launched myself into the air and into the spread eagle position, awaiting a dire misery for what seemed to last an eternity.  I was going down… And down… And down…  To meet my inevitable doom…

 

“PLOP!”  The sound of my bare belly smacking on the lake surface echoed across the lake as the pain of a thousand needles piercing my stomach vibrated throughout my skin, feeling as if I had flopped onto a bed of concrete before submerging into the murky water.  It was a struggle reaching the surface, for I could barely sense which way was up and which was down.  But from a will to see the beautiful Wisconsin scenery for at least a final moment, I miraculously arose from the dark depths of the lake to a crowd gone completely berserk.  Suddenly, the stinging sensation I had felt seconds before became miniscule to the glory I was receiving masked with a rush of adrenaline.  I had made the day of over 50 lake goers, 2 kayak babes, and a group of cousins who had initially summoned me to undertake this magnificent feat.  And with that feat, I was finally able to gather the respect I’d been seeking throughout the Fox Valley region.  My mother looked on, proud of her son and his most recent accomplishment, as if all of my previous achievements, getting my black belt, becoming an Eagle Scout, handing me my high-school diploma, and graduating from college had all lead up to this moment.  Something that Nicki Minaj would famously coin, “A moment she wishes she could have for life.”

 

It was almost a perfect day, minus the fact that I lost at a game of mini-golf that had taken place at the Tom Thumb mini-golf course, a Chain o’ Lake tradition as adamantly advertised at their club house.  Which wouldn’t have been so bad hadn’t it been for my little sister pointing out every time I missed a freaking shot!  “Oh gee Emily, I didn’t realize I missed the shot from the fact that my ball didn’t go into the hole.  Thanks for blurting it out Captain Obvious!”  Needless to say, I don’t need to go into too much detail about mini-golf.  It’s pretty boring anyway.

 

But no matter how unfortunate mini-golf was, my time in Wisconsin was coming to a close.  The next morning I would have to say goodbye to the wonderful state I had grown so fond of over the past week.  All good things must come to an end, but is it truly the end???

 

TO BE CONCLUDED…

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Wisconsin Part 2: The Green Bay Packers

Friday, August 9th, 2013

 

I will never know exactly what drove me to walk into my grandparent’s garage that morning.  I had no purpose to enter, but some supernatural source kept guiding me up the stairs and out the door.  They say the Holy Spirit works in mysterious ways, and could’ve very well pushed me into an event that I would not want to miss.  OR it could’ve been the evil spirits released when Cousin Holly convinced Cousin Erin and myself to use a Ouija Board, a decision I’ve regretted ever since which has cursed the downstairs living room for the past 15 years (I still can’t sleep in there to this day).

 

No matter the cause, I turned the doorknob and immediately sensed turmoil.  I entered to my grandma flailing her arms about in panic as if the sky was falling.  “NO!  STOP!” She screamed in blood curdling fashion, just like in the slasher flicks right before the killer slices his poor victim into pieces.  Part of me wanted to step away from the pandemonium right then and there.  I mean, what if there was a killer on the loose?  I didn’t want to be the next!  But I couldn’t leave my grandma behind like that.  I had to find out what was eating at her soul; what was driving her bananas.  I mean, what the hay…  We’re family!

 

When I turned to my right, everything started to make sense.  It was so crystal clear why she was acting so hysterical, as if she had heard news that Aaron Rodgers had just gotten into a car accident and was in intensive care…

 

My grandpa was attempting to park the Lincoln.

 

For some reason, the Mercury was parked in an awkward position where as the task of maneuvering the Lincoln through the garage and into its normal dwelling proved much more difficult than usual.  I guess I could blame my pops for that one, but then again, if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be writing such an epic tale of miscommunication, one of the best recipes for failure in the business world.

 

 “To the left!  Stop! Back up! NO!”  My grandma was barking out orders so fast and so furious she could easily be mistaken for that Chef Ramsey guy on TV, and was driving my grandpa to shear madness.  He had endured a lot through the war, and she was inching him to the breaking point.  Her words and actions were becoming a giant blur.  Heck, even I was getting confused, but at the same time impressed at the sight of an 85 year old moving her arms and legs in the fashion of a Richard Simmons workout on crack!

 

My grandpa however was a different story.  All this bewilderment had pushed him to the edge.  “Screw it!” he mouthed through the windshield of the Lincoln right before he blasted his foot down on the pedal.  What followed was the sound of metal crushing on metal and a brand new streak of scratched paint etched onto the Mercury.  That was when all hell broke loose…  And my grandma lost her freaking marbles!

 

She was making noises I never knew existed!  The closest thing I could describe it to were the sounds in “Alien” where the baby alien pops out of the guy’s stomach.  But it was when she started smacking herself in the head with both hands when I knew action had to be taken, common sense for any person with an ounce of courage.

 

But that’s not what I did.  I just froze.  The world was crashing down all around me and I stood there, petrified.  “I couldn’t move a muscle!  “Wake up stupid!” I said to myself.  I needed a catalyst, something to strike a reaction to get my blood flowing once again.  Then came cousin Brian, true-blooded Eagle Scout and captain of the pontoon.  He maneuvered past grandma’s flying fists of fury and to the Lincoln to guide it back to its customary state.  Just the spark I needed.

 

With grandma’s attention diverted, I slothed across the garage and made my escape to the outside unnoticed, miraculously unscathed from the mayhem.  After taking a moment to digest what had just happened, I was reduced to the emotional condition that any man goes through after a near brush with death.  I started giggling like a little schoolgirl to the point where tears nearly streamed down my face.  And I couldn’t stop!

 

It’s one of the surreal survival stories that you just can’t make up.

 

I guess life throws us for loops sometimes, but we have to bounce back quick in order to press on and make it in this world, which can be said of the mangled Lincoln incident.  We had to move forward, for me, my sisters, Cousin Holly and her domestic partner Nick were on our way to see the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field!

 

Man we were all so excited.  So much that my older sister was almost charged with shoplifting at the supermarket right before the game.  Her mind was just racing like a racehorse at the thought of stepping into the great arena of beer, cheese, and athleticism.  Luckily for us, the people of Wisconsin are kind and understanding, and let us off with a simple warning, knowing how important this moment was for us; something you just don’t see in the other NFL markets (no offense to the other teams).  And thank God, for that!  I would’ve pulled a grandma if we missed the game just because she got sent to the pin!

 

Most people have heard of Green Bay because of football, but don’t understand and would never understand its captivating appeal unless they visited, for it’s unlike any other city with a professional football team.  It’s barely considered a city with its 100,000 residents, where the whole state of Wisconsin travels far and long to converge and watch their Packers on game day.  Where the towering skyscrapers surrounding the stadium in a metropolitan city are replaced with farmed planes and a suburban neighborhood, and your parking lot is a family’s backyard, located a  block away from the stadium.  You are greeted with open arms and are invited to use their bathroom, cook on their grill, and even join them for a miller light or two.  It doesn’t even matter if you’re rooting for the other team.  The Packer nation welcomes anybody with the respect they deserve, as long as the same decency is returned.  That is, unless you’re a Bears fan (Don’t even get me started on them.  They’re awful.  I kind of want to throw up thinking about it right now.  Yuck.  UHUAGH!).

 

Come game day, church’s rearrange their scheduled sermons, stores shut down, and the city of Green Bay along with its neighbors gather around to cheer for what is truly their team.  Not a team owned by a mega billionaire or controlled by corporate interests who give ridiculous names for their stadium just to promote their obnoxious products or company (Mall of America Field?  Gillete Stadium? Century Link Field? Sorry Seahawk fans but I mean, c’mon!), but a team that is bought and paid for through shareholders made up of members of the Packer nation, for which I am proud to say that I am a part owner.

 

The people’s team.  It’s what’s taught to the children of Wisconsin and decedents of Packer fans.  Bred in green and gold, they learn early on about the significance of their team, and what it means to be a part of it.  It is the only small town team that could withstand the turbulent years of the NFL when money was not accessible and the talent pool was lacking They were able to survive as an NFL franchise when no other small town team could, with its dignity still intact no less.  In fact, when the team was on the verge of going broke, the city came together and pitched in to cover all of the bills and expenses in order to keep the team alive.

 

Then there’s the legend of Vince Lombardi, a man faced with prejudice his whole life for having an “i” at the end of his name.  A man who fought tooth and nail to follow his dreams and become a head coach in the NFL, even if nobody was willing to give him the chance.  A man, who for when all the odds were against him, took a rag tag group of grunts, the worst in the NFL (and the only team that would take him) and turn them into the greatest championship powerhouse the game has ever had, all while becoming the most respected man in the history of the sport.

 

Or the countless stories fans have to share about their team passed down from generation to generation.  Spend enough time in Wisconsin and you’re bound to run into somebody whose family stories date back to the days when Curly Lambeau founded the team and can tell you of innumerable experiences of traveling to Green Bay to endure the freezing temperatures just to watch their boys battle it out on the frozen tundra; the most memorable being the Ice Bowl, an infamous game in which the Packers clashed with the Cowboys over a field that was completely frozen over with a wind chill temperature of nearly -50 degrees; a game where the Packers miraculously came back and scored a touchdown at the final seconds of the game to send them onto Super Bowl II.   A game that my grandpa attended, in which he had help enduring thanks to a bottle of whiskey.  I am still in awe whenever he tells of the story.

 

And even after attending one game (even if it’s only a pre-season game where they lose big time, or a playoff game where they go 16-1 for the season and then blow it), you realize that it’s more than just a game for the people Green Bay, Wisconsin, and Packer fans as a whole.  It’s a way of life.  A supportive culture of people who will go out of their way to make you feel at home and who will risk life and limb for their team.  It’s because the Packers are as much a part of them as they are to the players, coaches, staff and executives, and without their contribution, the Packers most likely wouldn’t even exist.  Green Bay would just be another small mid-west town, and the team would’ve moved elsewhere and would be just like any other big city team, which makes visiting Green Bay during a Packer game and going to Lambaeu an experience you can’t find anywhere else.  An experience I hope to share with lots of friends and family for years to come, and a tradition I plan to pass down to my children someday, as it has been passed down to me from members of my family.

 

So here’s to the beginning of football season.  Here’s to the memories it brings.  The good feelings, the bad feelings…  Here’s to the Green Bay Packers.  GO PACK GO!!!

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Wisconsin: Part 1

Is Wisconsin the best state in the Union?  Well, I don’t know if I can answer that with honesty since I haven’t been to every state, but this last trip to the badger state really left an impression on me.  And when I say impression, I’m talking the first time you listened to The Dark Side of the Moon impression.  Yea, it was that good.  Now you’re probably thinking Wisconsin’s just another typical Midwest state with a bunch of cheese.  But it’s so much more that, and nearly impossible to capture it’s prominence in just a few paragraphs.  But hey, I’m always up for a challenge, so here it goes.

 

I rolled into Wisco on a Tuesday morning, meeting my family at a paradise called the Waupaca Chain O’ Lakes where my grandparents reside in house on the lake with a little cottage on the side which has remained nearly untouched since its creation in the late 19th, early 20th century.  Now, a house with 150 feet of lake front property plus a cozy cabin on the side would be a dream for any American to own, which was the case for my grandparents.  However, their ever-increasing age has prevented them from being able to keep up with this beautiful piece of prime real estate.  Therefore, it must be sold, and knowing it was the last time I may ever get to step foot in such a place that has been such an amazing part of my life, I had to make this experience count, in the best way possible.

 

Shortly after my arrival, I took a seat at the fire pit located halfway between the beach with a floating dock a short swim away and the porch of the cottage.  Sitting across from me was my mother, and I believe we were discussing the hit song of the summer “Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke, which happens to be her favorite song right now.  Now back in my high school days, she would’ve slapped me for listening to such a song with lyrics like “What rhymes with hug me” and whose music video has naked girls running about, but she seemed to be well aware of both scenarios, and was ok with it, which still baffles to me, but that is neither here nor there.

 

Down the stairs from the deck of the house comes my cousin’s daughter, Taylor, one of the toughest cookies east of the Mississippi.  The kind that doesn’t take crap from anybody.  My previous encounters with Taylor have resulted in dirty looks, where she squishes her face and sticks out her tongue, disgusted at the sight of a strange relative attempting to make conversation.  And who can blame her?  I can’t imagine what a 2nd grader of her stature has to put up with during school hours with all the unruly kids running amuck.  She has to have an attitude in this day and age.  It’s the only way they survive.

 

It is even rumored that she once beat one of her classmates up, just for the fact that he was a boy.  I can’t confirm the story to be true, but I have no reason not to believe it.  In fact, I do believe it.

 

But even the mightiest of 8 year olds occasionally let their guard down, even if it’s only for a second.  She approached my mother and I and shot me a look of confusion. I sat there, anticipating the devastating insult that would soon be thrown in my face.  “Just get it over with,” I thought to myself.  I knew it was going to hurt, but how much?

 

She opened her mouth and I braced myself for the finishing blow.  The subsequent words pierced my heart as if it was made of warm butter.  A phrase I would never forget for the rest of my life.

 

“Are you Aaron Rodgers?” She asked.

 

Aaron Rodgers.  The quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, and critically agreed THE best quarterback in the NFL today.  It was a question so innocent, so sincere, and so genuine.  A smile formed from ear to ear across my face, for it was quite possibly one of the greatest questions I’ve ever been asked.

 

No matter how mean she can be, how many times she bosses people around or intimidates you with slaps and bruises, Taylor will always be ok in my book.  And from that moment on, I knew it was going to be one of the best vacations ever!

 

Shortly after the infamous incident, I joined my older sister along with her newly pronounced fiancée to the harbor bar, a local watering hole that I’d be frequenting often during my stint in Waupaca, where you could pull up by pontoon and be served right there on your boat.  It was awesome!

 

There again, I received another comment on my resemblance to Aaron Rodgers.  This time from a 50+ year-old cougar.  She wasn’t exactly my type, but nonetheless I was quite flattered, so we chatted about all of the famous NHL players she lived next to and how I should check out all their houses and stop by for a drink and say hello.  Yade yade ya.  I wasn’t really paying that much attention.  I was just stoked on the fact that I had been in Wisconsin for less than 4 hours, and everybody I ran into thought I was Aaron Rodgers.

 

Now in Wisconsin, the Packers are more than a football team, and people loose their freaking mind over Aaron Rodgers.  But I’ll talk about that at a later date.  I could write a mega novel about Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers that would make any piece of Ayn Rand literature look like child’s play.  The important thing to understand is that all of this Aaron Rodgers talk made me brew up an idea.  An idea that was too good to pass up.  Now a lot of my ideas spring up at the whim of a moment, and most of the time when this happens, and after I’ve had a little while to think it through, the idea ends up being bad, and the consequences are brutal.  This was one of those times, except I didn’t have time to think.  I just had to act, even if it meant receiving a giant scolding from my mother.  It was a risk I was willing to take.

 

I walked up the staircase to my grandmother’s living room and got into character.  God bless my grandma, I love her to death.  BUT she can be ruthless sometimes, and for that reason, I make her life a living hell whenever I’m around.  It’s the only way I know how to tell her that I love her and that she’s the best grandma I still have.  And she loves Aaron Rodgers to death.  More so than all of her grandchildren.  Combined.

 

I enter the house in a state of gloom.  My grandma looks at me with concern.  “What’s wrong honey?”  She asks.

 

I delivered her a stare that would slay the likes of Chuck Norris.

 

“Oh grandma, you didn’t hear?  It’s all over the news…  Aaron Rodgers just got in a car accident.  He’s in critical condition.  He may be paralyzed…”

 

“OH NO!” She replied in a most somber fashion as she lowered her head into her arms, tears ready to burst from her eyes at any moment.  She was absolutely devastated.  Within the two seconds that I could stand to contain myself from bursting into uncontrollable laughter, I saw her age about 10 years to the point where I nearly gave her a heart attack.  But I couldn’t resist the temptation.  I fell on the floor and laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.

 

“You little Sh**!” she scowled at me in fury, waving her arms in a shooing motion.  If you ever make your dad swear, you know you were in trouble.  Your mother, you best be running for the hills, because your ass will be met with the spanking stick… IF you’re lucky.  But every time I’ve made my grandma swear, I feel as if I’ve received the Medal of Honor.  I smugly trot about and brag about the incident, while others around me hang off my every word from the back-story of receiving such a prestigious award.

 

To be fair to my grandma, she was in disbelief at the fact that I had once again fooled her after years of torment.  She ought to know better by now, but it’s those few determined souls whose creativity flourishes to find a way around, time and time again.  If I could, I would visit my grandma every day, but unfortunately I fear that she would drop dead after a month of relentless grief.

 

That night, after having a fantastic fish fry at my Uncle Mike’s followed by some serenading songs on the guitar, and probably one too many old fashions, I took a moment to sit at my grandparents dock to reflect upon the events of the day. Out in the distance across the lake, something caught my eye.  It was a glitter of flashing lights in the distance towards the east as if there was a rock concert smack dab in the middle of Appleton Wisconsin.  But why Appleton?  And why was it so big?  “Oh well,” I said to myself.  I just didn’t care enough to investigate the situation and thus made the decision to retire into a deep slumber…  A decision that I would soon learn to regret.

 

3 hours later, I awoke to disorder.  Violent chatter, blinking lights; I had no idea what was going on, for my mind was functioning at a half-conscious state knowing full well that chaos was hammering me from all directions, but at the same time, I was still dreaming.  I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t talk.  I couldn’t wake up…

 

I was freaking out man!

 

Pounding rain continued to blast the walls, and the sound of 1000’s of gun shots tormented me continuously minute after minute.  With my mind running a million miles an hour I tried to make out where I was, but from the evidence I could gather from all the pandemonium, the most logical location I could muster in my head was a mix of being trapped in a tent at the boundary waters during a flash flood that was being pummeled with World War II mortars, sending the tent walls crashing down at any moment.

 

“BOOM!”  A thunder crash sent me kicking and flailing in the upstairs bedroom of the cottage.  I glanced out the window.  Lightning was flashing so fast it look as if there was a mega-sized strobe light pulsating in the middle of the lake.  From the sound of horizontal rain drops slamming against the cottage and wooden debris ripped from trees that have stood their ground since the colonial times, the most rational idea would be to get the hell out of there, cause this place was going to tear apart at any moment.  But I couldn’t resist.  The sight was just too intriguing.  I had to watch.

 

The sky was perfectly layered with clouds swirling about like the Milky Way galaxy.  Rain shot at the windows so fast I was amazed it didn’t shatter the glass.  “An alien invasion” I thought to myself.  I honestly thought for a moment that aliens were coming down to take us over, and the worst part was that I was content with it!  But I knew better.  I saw the debris of busted up sidewalks and uprooted trees in Minnesota, and have heard of such phenomenon in recent days.  This was a good ol’ fashion Midwest storm; one that caused a blackout across the Fox River valley of Wisconsin.

 

I was in awe of the havoc rustling about, and stayed up for over a half hour watching as Mother Nature destroyed the weak vegetation standing in her wake.  With the natural strobe light erratically gleaming and an occasional howl of thunder, she would toss around the lakeside remains at any and all manmade structures sprawled around the shores of the lake, sending a message to remind us that she would always be in charge, and never be stopped…  No matter what.

 

It was quite a show, but the storm started to die down to a manageable rate whereas I could slip back into bed.  It was then that I had an epiphany.  I shot up, my mouth agape, heart pounding.  It was a realization that paralleled the invention of the light bulb by Thomas Edison, and the light bulb burned bright in my mind, guiding me towards my next move.

 

“MY CLOTHES!” I exclaimed as I scurried down the steps out onto the porch…  and into a giant puddle of water.  The porch, only protected by a screen, had let a flood of water seep through, covering everything in its path.  And it was on that porch where my entire catalog of valuables laid…

 

My clothes?  Completely soaked.  Guitar?  Drenched.  Dad’s super crossword puzzle book?  Destroyed.  Hot sauce?  Lost cause.  iPad?  Too bad.

 

What a bummer buzzkill to an almost perfect first day in Wisconsin.  But if you know me, I never let the turkey’s get me down for too long.  My iPad survived, and my clothes along with the guitar eventually dried out.  I was rocking and rolling again in no time, and the Armageddon hot sauce still had enough kick to send me into a hallucinogenic state the day after when applied to my famous hot wings, in which I would end up sitting against the wall uncontrollably shaking, mumbling gibberish of how much I loved my Grandma and that I’m going to miss her when I’m gone.  You know, the type of stuff you say right before you’re going to die.  So all’s well that ends well!

 

But it wasn’t quite over yet.  Soon, myself along with a few choice family members would venture to a land of sacred ground and significance to the people of Wisconsin.  The Mecca of the Mid-West.  Lambeau Field.  We were going to see the Green Bay Packers…

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

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The Boundary Babe

The Boundary Waters, an ecological paradise located in the remote wilderness of northern Minnesota near the Canadian border, where most forms of technology, including motorized vehicles are prohibited, and for good reason. To travel, you must canoe from site to site in which expeditions can take multiple hours, and sometimes a full day. This includes the occasional portage, which involves carrying your canoe over your head along with all of your belongings over treacherous terrains and distances that can be nearly a mile long, depending on your location.

This type of trip is not for the timid. However, the accolades of completing such an excursion are beyond the capacity of history’s greatest minds, including Steve Jobs, Albert Einstein, Nikola Tesla, Benjamin Franklin, Kanye West, and William Shakespeare.

And perhaps the greatest of these accolades is gazing upon the appearance of true majestic elegance. A vision that makes the heart instantly skip a beat and the stomach swell with butterflies that have been given lethal doses of meth-amphetamine. I’m talking about the first time you lay eyes on the exalting figure of a pure specimen in her natural state. I’m talking about, the Boundary Babe…

So what is a boundary babe exactly? Well, if you look up the definitions, you’ll find the following:

Boundary: Something that indicates bounds or limits.

Babe: A girl or woman, especially an attractive one (slang definition)

But a Boundary Babe… Well, I wish it were that easy…

You see, it can take years, even decades to fully understand what and who a boundary babe is, but only mere moments to appreciate their presence. Babes come in all different forms.  They can be of the sort of a girl in the workout room in a spandex outfit with big bo… eh, ahem, ayayaya (see The Girl in the Workout Room)… OR a cutie, who despite her poor attitude, you give her the time of day for sporting the colors of the world’s greatest football team (which is the Green Bay Packers, just to be clear, see Wisconsin, Part 3 for full context). However, one thing is for certain… You never forget the first time your see a boundary babe. And trust me, you will know instantly the moment one crosses your line of sight.

If you ever come across a Boundary Babe consider yourself fortunate. Two, now that’s rarity… and a blessing.

 

***

 

To be a boundary babe, you must be ready to accept adventure at the whim of an instant. It may take a wild one who is able to gracefully walk out the door with only two hours of sleep, gladly accepting the challenge before her.

They are tough, driven, and determined, and can endure any type of hardship or weather. However, they also have heart and understand that weaker members of their party may need a little extra energy and encouragement from time to time. So asking them to stop at a Hardees in Hinkley, Minnesota for a double XL fully loaded omelet biscuit may not be the most ideal, but will be an acceptable sacrifice in order to build morale and productivity for the group as a whole.

A boundary babe will never give up… under any circumstance. Though fatigued and malnourished, she will navigate through violent waters for hour’s non-stop until she finds the perfect spot to settle for her crew. And when it becomes apparent that the outfitter has failed to provide her with the basic necessities for survival, she does not panic. She does not fret. And most importantly, she does not complain. The boundary babe is forever thankful for the gifts that Mother Nature has provided her, and does not need the luxuries of cooking stoves or other modern amenities to produce fire and provide her party with dinner, for she will survive with the resources laid out in front of her with comfort and glee. She will even go as far as to share her last portions of puppy chow to satisfy the less experienced of the group, if absolutely necessary.

There is no portage too long, too steep, or too difficult for the Boundary Babe to conquer, for she will risk life and limb to carry a 70 pound canoe on her shoulders across a land mass of steep cliffs, piercing trees, and limited visibility without hesitation. If she happens to falter, you dare not ask her for help, for this task is hers, and hers alone to accomplish, and she will carry on with honor and pride, as if her name is Atlas, holding the world upon her shoulders. Only this Atlas will never shrug off the weight… under any circumstance.

One must understand however that a boundary babe will not always deliver you a warm reaction. They do not put up with incompetence, nor do they take unnecessary crap from anyone. They may demean you for actions such as forgetting how to tie the knot that holds your canoe to the Subaru, or waking up multiple times during the night for water because you may have decided to drink a little too much Jagermeister before bed, causing a ruckus in the tent where the team dwells. And don’t even think about asking them silly questions such as “are we having peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch?” Especially if it was you who packed the lunch and you all ready know the answer to be a firm and astounding, “No.” You will only trigger a fiery response so fierce and demoralizing that it would bring tears to the eyes of the most stoic of grown men.

This attitude is not meant to belittle or disparage, but instead intended to make the rookies of the group grow stronger in their boundary experience. They know that only the durable and mighty can survive out in the boundary waters. Aka, no room for wussies (Ben Woodward’s), and they will do all that is necessary to toughen you up, testing you every step of the way until you have proven that you are able to endure the challenges that the Boundary Waters will bestow upon you.

And if you manage to overcome the challenges faced along your adventure, your hard work and determination will not go unnoticed. The boundary babe believes in redemption, and will reward you for your efforts to become worthy of such an experience, in much the same was you felt as a child, looking out with wonder upon a freshly placed mountain of presents under a tree on Christmas morning.

This feeling can come in the most common form of being within a natural habitat, watching a sunset cross over a pristine lake that has barely been touched by the fouls of civilization. It is so crystal clear, that you can see an impeccable reflection of the sky, untouched forest, and surrounding geography to the point where you can hardly tell which way is up and which way is down. All of this complimented perfectly by the company of two babes who have prepared the perfect thanksgiving meal, in which no words need to be uttered to express your thanks… The simple beauty that surrounds you is the only explanation needed.

And when the night falls, they will take you on a boundary cruise, canoeing through a pitch-black field of liquid purity to gaze upon a blanket of stars laid above them across the sky. They brush the possibility of death; navigating with a natural, pinpoint precision through blind waters just so you can discover the elegance of God’s creation. This magnificent display, both out of this world and sitting in a canoe next to you makes you realize that it’s moments like these that make life worth living for; moments you will cherish for the rest of your life, with the hope and possibility that one day, you may once again experience a similar glory that has been bestowed upon this Earth.

And once the journey is over, and you’ve stepped out of your canoe for the final time, haggard from the arduous trek back into modern society, you take a glance at the Boundary Babes following closely behind. You see their arms caped in red, bulging bumps from the non-stop attacks of blood-lusting mosquitoes, their legs covered in scrapes and scratches from their odyssey across thick tree brush to gather as much firewood as possible to offer temporary comfort after a long day of scouting for camp sites, the knotted state of their hair from days without a proper shower, and the dirt smeared all across their face from the hell they have endured in order to reach a destination that resembles heaven on Earth…

It is a sight like this that takes your breathe away, for you realize that the Boundary Babe leaves the Boundary Waters in a state more stunning and more dashing than the moment when she first entered the canoe to venture out into an unknown landscape that so few have ever had the luxury of ever witnessing. It is then when you realize the potential of true beauty. Not from plastic surgery and globs of make-up, nor from an advertisement of a paper-thin model plastered across a billboard, but from the inner beauty that blossoms from the euphoria of observing an area of the world so unadulterated and unknown to the human race, mixed with the beautiful smile of a soul who has been freed of the toxins polluting the modern world.

The truth is, I could write an entire thesis describing the grace and refining qualities of a Boundary Babe, and it still wouldn’t do the justice she deserves. The only way to truly know who and what a Boundary Babe is, is to experience the Boundary Waters yourself with one by your side (or two if you’re EXTREMELY lucky).

So I encourage anyone with enough will and enough courage to create your own adventure out to the Boundary Waters, to find your own Boundary Babe, and to make your own memories that will forever change your perception of beauty; memories that will change your life… memories that you will preserve for the rest of your days until the Great Father takes you home.

 

***

 

So how do you answer the question, “What is a Boundary Babe?”

Easy. The best kind there is.

 

-Grizzly Chadams

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