Wisconsin: The Conclusion

A slight drizzle covered the lake house that somber Sunday morning in flawless fashion to supplement the mood of saying goodbye.  I had just spent an almost perfect week in the state of Wisconsin and now the thought of heading to work at 5 in the morning was all ready making my body cringe.

 

I took a moment to breath in a few last molecules of Chain o’ Lakes air, but due to the fact that I was “dilly dallying” (as my mother used to say) the night before, that moment was cut short, and a classic race against time scenario was in play to pack my belongings into my undersized carry-on and catch my plane.  To my luck though, I would find the Appleton airport to be much smaller in size compared to SeaTac, and navigating through security and to my gate was a breeze, turning my crush on time into a non-issue (after the fact that is).

 

I boarded the plane and found my seat, finally getting a moment to relax after the Chinese fire drill that consisted of me scurrying to the airport.  I leaned back and shut my eyes as the flight attendant instructed us of what to do in case we fall to our immanent doom…  And that’s when it set in.  My grandparents were selling the house.  It was the last time I’d ever step foot in that place ever again.

 

Immediately, memories started to flood my head, one after another.  I embraced the opportunity and pondered on each passing one, letting the nostalgia sink in before moving on to the next, further exploring the infinitesimal alleys of the mind…

 

 

I still can still remember walking into that house for the very fist time.  Through the eyes of an 8-year old boy, I saw a gargantuan castle on the water filled with secret passages, built in intercoms, and 1000’s of square feet to provide me with hours of exotic exploration.  Not to mention an arsenal of toys at my disposal: speedboats, inner tubes, noodles, a floating dock, fishing poles, paddle boats, you name it!  This place had it all.  And for a kid growing up in the 90’s, it was a Big F***in’ Deal (to quote our often candid vice-president)!

 

Us kids were wired from the get go the night the Bero’s and the Wohler’s came together for the first time to celebrate the holy union of my grandma and grandpa. Everyone had a lot to prove to each other, especially me.  I did my part by devising a secret scheme with the big boys to sneak into the girl’s bunk and pour water into all of their sleeping bags, leaving them completely miserable for their night’s slumber.  My stunt had gained enough respect from the older cousins that lasted through the wedding, however my cousin Brian and step-cousin Hans had different plans, for my devious plot was pork and beans compared to what they were about to pull off.

 

The adults that night found it in their best interest to separate themselves from their kids, which proved to be a foolish choice after Cousin Brian and Step-Cousin Hans found an empty champagne bottle, in which they proceeded to fill it up with a half and half mixture of 7-Up and Sunkist Orange Soda.  While Step-Cousin Hannah played a dramatic tune on the piano resembling a legato/minor ragtime feel, the two took turns taking pulls from the bottle, simulating the effects of two pre-teens getting completely plastered (pulling it off quite well actually).  It didn’t take long for their slurred words and stumbling about the house to make it to the upstairs in full view of grandma.  She cried out in disgust and embarrassment, especially after they spilled soda all over the carpet in front of the new members of our family, setting a perfect Wohlers example for years to come! 

 

Luckily for Cousin Brain, he’s always been grandma’s favorite, and can get away with just about anything, and Step-Cousin Hans wasn’t officially our cousin yet, so a high energy scolding was waived, and the two were able to continue with their wild antics with little consequence throughout the night, as well as future visits.

 

We learned a many great traits of the lake, including how to tube like a champ, the art of fish filleting with grandpa (in all honesty I never really got that one down very well), and even how to go pee when you’re out in the middle of the lake (consisting of draining the bladder into an old coffee cup and dumping it overboard).  Some of those skills came in handy when my cousin Kimmy and I took the paddleboat out to the floating dock and I caught a nice blue gill in front of a bunch of slightly intoxicated locals passing along in their pontoon (fortunately, I didn’t have to pee that time).  They cheered over my success, only to berate me when Kimmy unhooked the fish for me (I know right.  A girl unhooking a fish? It’s Crazy!).  APPARENTLY I wasn’t man enough to do it myself.

 

And somewhere along the timeline of our childhood Cousin Brain, totally oblivious to his surroundings, walked straight through the screen door in front of the whole family.  Everybody talks of the incident as if it’s the Holy Grail of events that occurred at the cabin, and for the longest time I pretended to know all about it.  But to be honest, I have no recollection of that ever occurring.  Not even of grandma blowing a gasket (And believe me, I would’ve remembered that)!  It kind of makes me mad, the fact that I’ll never fully relate to such an epic tale that will be passed down for generations, and that is still being retold to this day.  Maybe I’ll get over it…  Someday.

 

During one summer, my family and I drove all the way to Wisconsin from Washington, one of the best family vacations we ever had in my book (one where my little sis found the urge to bite into the bottom of a Styrofoam cup, spilling a quart of lemonade all over the Burb’s interior, but that’s a whole other story).  I was cruising in the back seat of our baby blue Suburban with my Pokémon (Red Version) Game Boy game with the mega-hits of the late 90’s blasting through the speakers, which was all I needed to last through the trek.  The hits included Smashmouth’s “All-Star,” The Abercrombie and Fitch Song, Pearl Jam’s “Oh where, oh where has my baby been,” and Six-Pence, None the Richer.  It was the peak of the 90’s Alternative Rock sensation as so elegantly reflected upon the styles of us teenage cousins and our excitement over Woodstock 99.

 

Once we arrived at Grandma and Grandpa’s that summer, the tunes got a little more explicit when I reunited with Kimmy, who had acquired quite the potty mouth since the last time we hung out.  Regardless of her tendencies to speak as if she had the mouth a sailor, we were busy rockin’ out to Limp Bizkit, Blink 182, and any other dirty band that Cousin Holly had introduced us to, for she was full blown into her pop-punk/hardcore phase at that point.

 

And when Cousin Brain showed up, all he could talk about was American Pie, and how it was the greatest freaking thing that ever happened in the 20th century.  For hours he was talking a million miles a minute, babbling on about who got naked, what ridiculous thing this one kid did, who said all the swears, and on and on and on…  Jesus Christ the guy wouldn’t shut up about it!  And I was hanging on his every word, totally obsessed.

 

“Shannon Elizabeth’s boobs?  He does what to a pie?”  Holy crap I was salivating!  The way he was describing it, I figured it was going to be this generation’s Gone With the Wind, and during the next year, I made it my goal to see this magnificent accomplishment of cinema magic, no matter the cost.  And as it turned out, when my best friend Austin Moody got his heart broken later that year, his mom felt bad for him and rented American Pie for us to watch.  It turned out to be everything my Cousin described it to be…  And so much more…

 

Once we finally bloomed into adults (about ten years later), we realized that no matter how much we had grown, some things never change.  With all of the cousins back at the cabin, we could only act mature for so long before something got out of hand.  It probably started during the bon-fire after I spent about an hour chasing Kimmy’s kids around.  “You’re it!” Carson would scream after an unsuspecting tag, followed by a most devilish laugh as if she knew she was going to put you through hell just to tag her back.  Miraculously, they would all tucker out and go to sleep.  But that’s when the real trouble would begin.

 

Tony (Kimmy’s Husband), Nick and I stumbled upon a stash of fireworks in the water sports shed after we had polished off a few brews.  “Yea!  Let’s light them off!  That sounds like a fantastic idea in the middle of the night!”  So we did…  ending up waking half the lake in the process.

 

The next morning, I walked into an overflow of verbal abuse at the house.  “What were you doing lighting off those fireworks?” my grandma sneered.  1: She didn’t have to scream and embarrass me in front of all my aunts and uncles.  I go through enough crap as it is.  2: She had absolutely no proof it was me who lit the fireworks off!  As soon as I walked in, she just ASSUMED I was the one who lit off the fireworks.  This is America for God’s sakes!  Innocent until proven guilty!

 

Yea, I lit the fireworks off, so?  I’m always the guy taking the blame, no matter what!  Maybe it’s me who causes the most trouble around the cabin, but regardless, it’s still a bunch of bull crap if you ask me!

 

Not all the trips to the Chain O’Lakes were of the recreational sort however.  In fact, some of those trips proved to be very humbling experiences.  One such occasion was when we joined together to mourn the death of my Aunt Cathy, who had passed from a long and painful struggle with cancer.  I’ll never forget the storm of emotions floating around that cold January weekend in 2011, all leading up to the NFC championship between the Packers and the Bears.  That Sunday, we gathered at the grandparent’s house and we watched the Packer game as a family, hoping and praying for a win, some type of sign to let us know that her spirit was still with us.

 

And when BJ Raji intercepted Jay Cutler’s pass and ran in for a pick 6, we went ballistic!  We recreated his famous “Teach me how to Raji” dance, and jumped all around the house, hooting and hollering, performing silly dances, doing push-ups…  Well, I think I was the only one doing push-ups and stupid dances (I don’t quite have all the details nailed down), but the one thing that was for certain was the explosion of positive energy that surfaced in that house when the Packers defeated the Bears, sending them to win Super Bowl 45.

 

After moments like that, I think it’s only natural to wonder if your loved one’s had a hand in that game.  Now it’s unlikely that the good lord meddles in the affairs of NFL teams, but victories like these remind us that our loved ones are always watching out for us, as was Cathy during the game, and will continue to do so throughout our lives.  It reminded me of her positive and easygoing spirit, for she never got too worked up over things, knowing that life was too short to waste getting upset over things that don’t matter in the long term.  Even in her final hours, we were told she was still cracking jokes doing her best to keep us from worrying about her fate.  I think she understood that this was just one step in a grander picture, and that we would all be reunited with her in heaven someday soon.  And until then, we should enjoy the small victories like seeing our favorite team reach the Super Bowl.

 

And as it turns out, it is those small things that will stick with me the most.  My grandpa’s off-colored jokes, for which it seemed as if he’d always have a new one ready for us to crack up at each visit.  Listening to that Rihanna song (Oh na na, what’s my name?) during my work out and runs around the lake, and enjoying happy hour every 4 PM at the house with the relatives, devising new tricks to getting under grandma’s skin (I should add that I have a pretty high success rate).  It’s as if they all come together in a grand picture to make up a culture, where it might not be just a single memory that you miss, but the overall feeling of being in a place you hold dear in your heart where so many special things have taken place.

 

And nothing cut deeper into my heart like the times when I could sit on the dock and watch the hot summer sun set on the lake, reflecting the golden rays of light back on the lakefront property.  There’s an amazing phenomenon that happens during a sunset, one of those things that settles the soul and brings serenity to your life at that very moment.  As if time slows down, and no matter how hectic life gets, you always have time to sit down and reflect on it whenever that great ball of burning mass lowers itself from the sky.

 

And for a final time one evening during my vacation, with an old fashion in hand and the new Daft Punk album pumping into my ears, I was able to do just that; Reflect, and write…   About life, love, how blessed I was to be in such a beautiful setting, and whatever else was going on in that crazy head of mine.  I reminisced about the importance of family and how my grandparents had provided us grandchildren with the ability to acquire such wonderful memories over the past 20 years.   A place where I truly felt at home and could flourish with my talents to unlimited bounds.  A place I had grown to love and would have to come back to, retaining the sprit of the Chain O’Lakes with me wherever I would go.

 

I thought about all of those memories and so much more on that plane ride back to Seattle, for so many things occur inside the human brain in such a short period of time, far too much for us to ever understand.  Your thoughts and senses cause reactions that send signals through your body that release different chemicals, causing us to react a certain way.  Whether it’s pain, happiness, anger, you name it. The brain controls it.  And the usual emotion that comes from reliving great memories in your life is a bit of sadness and depression, for you may miss those days, or possibly be horrified at some of the choices you had made.  But for some reason, I didn’t feel that at all.  Instead, after looking back at my time in Wisconsin, I felt an emotion that hadn’t been felt in a long time…

 

I became inspired.

 

I realized how much I had taken the lake for granted over the years; the cabin, all the toys, the boat, and the property itself.  All of that didn’t just appear for my family one day.  It came from the expense of hard work and sacrifice from my grandpa, who had a dream.  Working through the ranks in his career, and through his sincere dedication, he eventually became the president of his company and was able to provide his family with an unimaginable gift that we were able to enjoy throughout the passing years.  A place where my grandparents got to watch us play out on the floating dock, take us on pontoon rides through the lake, and send us to their secret fishing spots around the lake to come back with bucket full of blue gill for the evening’s fish fry.

 

A place where we would get in trouble and have the opportunity to learn from our mistakes, whether it’s lighting fireworks in the middle of the night, using an Ouija board and forever haunting the downstairs living room, or walking through a screen door in front of the whole family.  A place where we could laugh and love by singing songs and doing ridiculous tricks in your Speedo for passing boaters, or gather around the campfire to share your words of wisdom, such as the greatest movies of the 20th century, or just sit out on the lake during a summer sunset to appreciate the magnificence of life.  But most of all, it was a place that my grandparents could watch us kids grown into self-sustaining adults, forge life-long memories, and make us realize the importance of family and how great life can truly be with it.

 

It took me 20 years to realize how precious this gift was, and how grateful I was to be able to spend the time I did in such a wonderful place.  I didn’t want to see it go, didn’t want it to be the last time I’d ever see it.  So I became inspired; that someday, I could work hard and utilize my talents to become successful, just as my grandpa had.  That someday, I could maybe find my own special little place where I can bring my family and watch them grow up; where they can create their own memories to pass down to their children.  It inspired me to create my own destiny, that I can someday find my own house and cabin on the Chain O’ Lakes.

 

And while I’m finishing this post, I find it appropriate that I’m sipping on an old fashion, a perfect Midwest cocktail to compliment the memoirs of my epic Wisconsin trip.  It’s made up of a mix of cherries and oranges, two fruits reflecting the attitudes of the people of Wisconsin; a certain quaintness and sweetness that you just can’t find anywhere else.  The whiskey, which allows us to let loose every now and then, for there’s no need to be overly judgmental in the Badger State.  Add a little bit of 7-up, to provide a little excitement, in the same fashion every Wisconsin trip brings.  All poured over a cup full of ice to remind us how strong and lumber the people of Wisconsin are when they go through the great pains of enduring freezing temperatures and harsh winters to support the things they love and hold dearest to their hearts, kind of like they did during the ice bowl many moons ago.  And to top it off, add few sprinkles of aromatic bitter, for yes, life throws us curveballs from time to time, but mixed with a supporting family of tasty ingredients, we take it all in and remember that life is good, and will always be good in this gem of the Midwest.

 

So with my old fashion in hand, I would like to propose a toast.  Here’s to the great state of Wisconsin.  A state I can’t wait to come back to and make even more fantastic memories for the many years to come.

 

Till next time Wisconsin.  I’ll see you soon…

 

Grizzly Chadams

Wisconsin: Part 3

It was the night after the Packer game…  And they lost… Big time.  17-0.  But it was preseason, so who cares?!!

 

It was just great to be a part of the game day atmosphere with family and friends and prepare for yet another season of hard hits and epic pigskin battles.  So we celebrated, Wisconsin style…  We went to the bar.

 

We walked into the Harbor Bar in style as if we owned the place, immediately grooving to the top 40 hits blasting through the speakers.  We mingled and drank with the locals; clad with green and yellow face paint all over our bodies, with of course the American Flag bandana wrapped around my forehead.  What can I say?  I love my country!

 

It didn’t take long for the drinks to start pouring, and the dance floor looked more and more appealing with each shot of Yager sliding down my throat.  I looked at Nick, and he looked at me.  We didn’t even have to say anything.  Our 6th sense beams of communication connected and we knew exactly what we were going to do.  “Lets do this,” I said, responding to his nod of approval, and we stepped out onto the waxed wooden floor, greeting a group of bachelorette party goers waiting for some Wisconsin bachelors to sweep them off their feet.

 

Within seconds we began to impress with our vast collection of dance moves, ranging from the Miley Cyrus twerks to the smooth and sensual hip flow from the “Teach Me How to Dougie” Era.  I even made my way back to my roots, the Western Swing, a dance I had mastered at a young age when my partner and I got 2nd place in Mrs. Lyons 6th grade dance contest (I still think we got robbed of grand champion, but that’s a whole other story).

 

It was then when she came up to me and brought her mouth close to my ear.  She had prepared a soft phrase; I think something along the lines of the music selection.  It was either that or my strong resemblance to Aaron Rodgers…  Probably the later.  We got to talking, which led to a drink.

 

“Could this be the one?” I asked myself.  Now this was no boundary babe by any stretch of the imagination, and she had a bit of an attitude, but she was pretty decent looking and was sporting some Packer attire, so I found it in my best judgment to afford her a piece of my time.

 

Her name was Erica, and she was definitely playing hard to get.  But I saw right through the guise and never lost my composure, even with the obnoxious idiot behind us throwing terrible pick up lines towards her.  He was desperate, so I just sat back and watched him dig his own grave.  He couldn’t have made it any easier for me to swoop in for the kill.

 

There I was, just about ready to lay down the finishing move when my younger sister approached the scene.  She’s a great soul full of energy, but still has much to learn, especially from me.  She took a look at Erica and gave her opinion, for which being a patriotic American and supporter of the First Amendment, I totally appreciate.  “She looks trashy,” she whispered in my ear.  Only one problem; her “Whisper” was heard all across the bar, and right into the direction of my new Wisconsin interest…

 

Long story short, that there went my chances.  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bummed out, but no matter what, you always have to side with family in situations like these.  I guess I’ll never know if Erica was truly the one…

 

No matter the circumstance, there was no need to fret over lost love at this time, for come morning it would be my last day in Wisconsin.  And I had to make it count!  Being an established beer drinker, I awoke bright and early at sunup with no consequences from the night before.  I wish I could say the same for little sis, but as I touched on earlier, she is prone to making foolish decisions from time to time.

 

And I’m sorry to say, but she wasn’t fooling anybody when she tried sneaking into the bathroom for a little relief of the bottle flu after a far prolonged sleep session past noon.  I’ll never quite know for certain, but I think it was the sound of her coughing up dinosaurs that bellowed throughout the halls of my grandparents that gave it away; fair retribution for ruining my chances with Erica.

 

“Hey how’s it going?” she tried pulling off with an innocent smile on her face towards mom and grandma…  Right after she had finished barfing her brains out in the toilet.  My mom and I looked at her and laughed our butts off.  My grandma acted like she didn’t know what was going on, but she knew full well the mess that Emily had gotten herself into.  I’m sure she’s gotten herself into a few messes from time to time.  It’s in our blood, and I know she totally related to the experience Em was facing when she blasted chunks of destruction into the transportation sector of Waupaca’s sewage treatment plant.

 

However, with a little help from her family followed by a pontoon ride around the Chain O’Lakes with Captain Brian at the helm, she was back and business and we were off to a great last day in Wisconsin.  The cavalry was out and about across the lake with everyone in central Wisconsin conversing to Waupaca to enjoy their beautiful Saturday on the lake.  And boy was I eating every up every minute of it!

 

It was a fun-filled day of chilling at the lake with our beer and kooskis…  POSSIBLY being a little heavy on the beer.  After sucking a few cold ones down and suffering nibble wounds from the baby blue gill roaming about the lake (the little bastards just kept biting at me!), I was out on the dock rockin’ out with in my Speedo with the ol’ guitar belting out the tunes of Neil Young, Nicki Minaj, and Carly Rae Jepson of “Call Me Maybe” fame.  The passing patrons were loving it, often stopping for a cheer or two, further adding to my confidence level.  And it didn’t stop there.

 

I continued with the entertainment, moving onto the floating dock by showing off my greatest diving board moves, from flips, to dives, and even some mega huge cannon balls.  I was doing it all.

 

Out in the distance, I spotted some honeys passing by on their kayaks.  We made eye contact, and with my 20/15 vision I could make out a slight blush coming from one of them.  It had to be my rock hard washboard abs complemented with my tight fit Speedo that they found so admiring. I guess those years of push-ups, planks, and sit-ups finally paid off.

 

My mind was racing for ideas for my next trick.  They were coming my way at a swift pace.  Impressing them rapidly became my number one priority.  I had almost conceived the perfect flip in mind and was on the verge of execution.  Then all of a sudden, a voice hollered from behind me, disrupting my much important concentration.

 

“Belly Flop!” it shouted.  I turned to my back to find the culprit.  I figured it would be a cowardly being hiding behind the oak trees that guarded the beachfront.  Instead, I saw Nick holding his beer in the air with a stupid grin on his face, proud of his clumsily made comment.

 

“Shut up Nick” I sneered back, but the chants kept on coming, this time from the rest of the cousins.  I was a second from swimming over and beating him up, when I heard more cheers, this time from the middle of the lake.  I looked back and there was a pontoon full of young bucks egging me on.

 

I was pretty upset at this whole conundrum I was in, the most upset I’ve been since my sister screwed me over with this girl named Erica; but at the same time, I was in total contemplation, for now there was a crowd to please.  I still remember the pain I went through at Kelsee Tower’s 6th grade graduation party (or 7th grade, anything before 8th grade is kind of fuzzy) when me, Ben Grimm, and some other dingus (I honestly forget the other boy was) decided to impress the girls with some belly flops in her pool.  Jesus Christ I remember it hurting like crap!  The worst part was, I had to act manly and pretend it didn’t hurt!  I was still a boy, and that kind of thing takes a toll during that part of your life!  Anyway, that was the last belly flop I ever did, and I vowed never to do another one as long as I lived.

 

But now the pressure was on, for another pontoon had shown up.  This time full of drunk buttholes, but still fans nonetheless who fancied themselves with the words “Belly” and “Flop” back to back and repeated over and over again.  It was getting harder to say no, but yet there was still not enough incentive to convince me it was a good idea.  So I stalled, hoping they would grow tired for their chanting and move on to the next thrill.

 

But these alcoholic lake venturers were determined, and the more I delayed, the harder they chanted.  AND to add to my luck, yet another pontoon showed up, further inflaming the excitement of the belly flop mantra.  “BELLY FLOP, BELLY FLOP!”  It got louder and louder, and from all corners of the Waupaca Chain o’ Lakes.  I swear people were reciting it from two lakes down.  They couldn’t see the action, but they knew something grandiose was about to happen, and wanted to be part of the experience.

 

In my world there are two types of pain.  The pain you experience after doing something foolish and not knowing of the consequences of your actions.  And then there’s the pain you experience with the full knowledge that what you’re about to do is going to hurt like hell, but it has to be done anyway, which takes much more courage than the prior.  And by God, I knew this was going to suck, but now with a crowd of 50+ waiting for the big jump and the kayak babes drawing closer in my line of sight anticipating the great performance, it was time to act, to sit up or shut up; and at this point I couldn’t let them down.

 

I took a deep breath and prepared myself for a leap that would send me into great agony, just like many of my heroes from the Green Bay Packers had faced in their moments where they had to make the choice of victory and sacrifice over failure and comfort.  I stepped onto the diving board, took a giant bounce, and launched myself into the air and into the spread eagle position, awaiting a dire misery for what seemed to last an eternity.  I was going down… And down… And down…  To meet my inevitable doom…

 

“PLOP!”  The sound of my bare belly smacking on the lake surface echoed across the lake as the pain of a thousand needles piercing my stomach vibrated throughout my skin, feeling as if I had flopped onto a bed of concrete before submerging into the murky water.  It was a struggle reaching the surface, for I could barely sense which way was up and which was down.  But from a will to see the beautiful Wisconsin scenery for at least a final moment, I miraculously arose from the dark depths of the lake to a crowd gone completely berserk.  Suddenly, the stinging sensation I had felt seconds before became miniscule to the glory I was receiving masked with a rush of adrenaline.  I had made the day of over 50 lake goers, 2 kayak babes, and a group of cousins who had initially summoned me to undertake this magnificent feat.  And with that feat, I was finally able to gather the respect I’d been seeking throughout the Fox Valley region.  My mother looked on, proud of her son and his most recent accomplishment, as if all of my previous achievements, getting my black belt, becoming an Eagle Scout, handing me my high-school diploma, and graduating from college had all lead up to this moment.  Something that Nicki Minaj would famously coin, “A moment she wishes she could have for life.”

 

It was almost a perfect day, minus the fact that I lost at a game of mini-golf that had taken place at the Tom Thumb mini-golf course, a Chain o’ Lake tradition as adamantly advertised at their club house.  Which wouldn’t have been so bad hadn’t it been for my little sister pointing out every time I missed a freaking shot!  “Oh gee Emily, I didn’t realize I missed the shot from the fact that my ball didn’t go into the hole.  Thanks for blurting it out Captain Obvious!”  Needless to say, I don’t need to go into too much detail about mini-golf.  It’s pretty boring anyway.

 

But no matter how unfortunate mini-golf was, my time in Wisconsin was coming to a close.  The next morning I would have to say goodbye to the wonderful state I had grown so fond of over the past week.  All good things must come to an end, but is it truly the end???

 

TO BE CONCLUDED…

Wisconsin: Part 1

Is Wisconsin the best state in the Union?  Well, I don’t know if I can answer that with honesty since I haven’t been to every state, but this last trip to the badger state really left an impression on me.  And when I say impression, I’m talking the first time you listened to The Dark Side of the Moon impression.  Yea, it was that good.  Now you’re probably thinking Wisconsin’s just another typical Midwest state with a bunch of cheese.  But it’s so much more that, and nearly impossible to capture it’s prominence in just a few paragraphs.  But hey, I’m always up for a challenge, so here it goes.

 

I rolled into Wisco on a Tuesday morning, meeting my family at a paradise called the Waupaca Chain O’ Lakes where my grandparents reside in house on the lake with a little cottage on the side which has remained nearly untouched since its creation in the late 19th, early 20th century.  Now, a house with 150 feet of lake front property plus a cozy cabin on the side would be a dream for any American to own, which was the case for my grandparents.  However, their ever-increasing age has prevented them from being able to keep up with this beautiful piece of prime real estate.  Therefore, it must be sold, and knowing it was the last time I may ever get to step foot in such a place that has been such an amazing part of my life, I had to make this experience count, in the best way possible.

 

Shortly after my arrival, I took a seat at the fire pit located halfway between the beach with a floating dock a short swim away and the porch of the cottage.  Sitting across from me was my mother, and I believe we were discussing the hit song of the summer “Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke, which happens to be her favorite song right now.  Now back in my high school days, she would’ve slapped me for listening to such a song with lyrics like “What rhymes with hug me” and whose music video has naked girls running about, but she seemed to be well aware of both scenarios, and was ok with it, which still baffles to me, but that is neither here nor there.

 

Down the stairs from the deck of the house comes my cousin’s daughter, Taylor, one of the toughest cookies east of the Mississippi.  The kind that doesn’t take crap from anybody.  My previous encounters with Taylor have resulted in dirty looks, where she squishes her face and sticks out her tongue, disgusted at the sight of a strange relative attempting to make conversation.  And who can blame her?  I can’t imagine what a 2nd grader of her stature has to put up with during school hours with all the unruly kids running amuck.  She has to have an attitude in this day and age.  It’s the only way they survive.

 

It is even rumored that she once beat one of her classmates up, just for the fact that he was a boy.  I can’t confirm the story to be true, but I have no reason not to believe it.  In fact, I do believe it.

 

But even the mightiest of 8 year olds occasionally let their guard down, even if it’s only for a second.  She approached my mother and I and shot me a look of confusion. I sat there, anticipating the devastating insult that would soon be thrown in my face.  “Just get it over with,” I thought to myself.  I knew it was going to hurt, but how much?

 

She opened her mouth and I braced myself for the finishing blow.  The subsequent words pierced my heart as if it was made of warm butter.  A phrase I would never forget for the rest of my life.

 

“Are you Aaron Rodgers?” She asked.

 

Aaron Rodgers.  The quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, and critically agreed THE best quarterback in the NFL today.  It was a question so innocent, so sincere, and so genuine.  A smile formed from ear to ear across my face, for it was quite possibly one of the greatest questions I’ve ever been asked.

 

No matter how mean she can be, how many times she bosses people around or intimidates you with slaps and bruises, Taylor will always be ok in my book.  And from that moment on, I knew it was going to be one of the best vacations ever!

 

Shortly after the infamous incident, I joined my older sister along with her newly pronounced fiancée to the harbor bar, a local watering hole that I’d be frequenting often during my stint in Waupaca, where you could pull up by pontoon and be served right there on your boat.  It was awesome!

 

There again, I received another comment on my resemblance to Aaron Rodgers.  This time from a 50+ year-old cougar.  She wasn’t exactly my type, but nonetheless I was quite flattered, so we chatted about all of the famous NHL players she lived next to and how I should check out all their houses and stop by for a drink and say hello.  Yade yade ya.  I wasn’t really paying that much attention.  I was just stoked on the fact that I had been in Wisconsin for less than 4 hours, and everybody I ran into thought I was Aaron Rodgers.

 

Now in Wisconsin, the Packers are more than a football team, and people loose their freaking mind over Aaron Rodgers.  But I’ll talk about that at a later date.  I could write a mega novel about Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers that would make any piece of Ayn Rand literature look like child’s play.  The important thing to understand is that all of this Aaron Rodgers talk made me brew up an idea.  An idea that was too good to pass up.  Now a lot of my ideas spring up at the whim of a moment, and most of the time when this happens, and after I’ve had a little while to think it through, the idea ends up being bad, and the consequences are brutal.  This was one of those times, except I didn’t have time to think.  I just had to act, even if it meant receiving a giant scolding from my mother.  It was a risk I was willing to take.

 

I walked up the staircase to my grandmother’s living room and got into character.  God bless my grandma, I love her to death.  BUT she can be ruthless sometimes, and for that reason, I make her life a living hell whenever I’m around.  It’s the only way I know how to tell her that I love her and that she’s the best grandma I still have.  And she loves Aaron Rodgers to death.  More so than all of her grandchildren.  Combined.

 

I enter the house in a state of gloom.  My grandma looks at me with concern.  “What’s wrong honey?”  She asks.

 

I delivered her a stare that would slay the likes of Chuck Norris.

 

“Oh grandma, you didn’t hear?  It’s all over the news…  Aaron Rodgers just got in a car accident.  He’s in critical condition.  He may be paralyzed…”

 

“OH NO!” She replied in a most somber fashion as she lowered her head into her arms, tears ready to burst from her eyes at any moment.  She was absolutely devastated.  Within the two seconds that I could stand to contain myself from bursting into uncontrollable laughter, I saw her age about 10 years to the point where I nearly gave her a heart attack.  But I couldn’t resist the temptation.  I fell on the floor and laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.

 

“You little Sh**!” she scowled at me in fury, waving her arms in a shooing motion.  If you ever make your dad swear, you know you were in trouble.  Your mother, you best be running for the hills, because your ass will be met with the spanking stick… IF you’re lucky.  But every time I’ve made my grandma swear, I feel as if I’ve received the Medal of Honor.  I smugly trot about and brag about the incident, while others around me hang off my every word from the back-story of receiving such a prestigious award.

 

To be fair to my grandma, she was in disbelief at the fact that I had once again fooled her after years of torment.  She ought to know better by now, but it’s those few determined souls whose creativity flourishes to find a way around, time and time again.  If I could, I would visit my grandma every day, but unfortunately I fear that she would drop dead after a month of relentless grief.

 

That night, after having a fantastic fish fry at my Uncle Mike’s followed by some serenading songs on the guitar, and probably one too many old fashions, I took a moment to sit at my grandparents dock to reflect upon the events of the day. Out in the distance across the lake, something caught my eye.  It was a glitter of flashing lights in the distance towards the east as if there was a rock concert smack dab in the middle of Appleton Wisconsin.  But why Appleton?  And why was it so big?  “Oh well,” I said to myself.  I just didn’t care enough to investigate the situation and thus made the decision to retire into a deep slumber…  A decision that I would soon learn to regret.

 

3 hours later, I awoke to disorder.  Violent chatter, blinking lights; I had no idea what was going on, for my mind was functioning at a half-conscious state knowing full well that chaos was hammering me from all directions, but at the same time, I was still dreaming.  I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t talk.  I couldn’t wake up…

 

I was freaking out man!

 

Pounding rain continued to blast the walls, and the sound of 1000’s of gun shots tormented me continuously minute after minute.  With my mind running a million miles an hour I tried to make out where I was, but from the evidence I could gather from all the pandemonium, the most logical location I could muster in my head was a mix of being trapped in a tent at the boundary waters during a flash flood that was being pummeled with World War II mortars, sending the tent walls crashing down at any moment.

 

“BOOM!”  A thunder crash sent me kicking and flailing in the upstairs bedroom of the cottage.  I glanced out the window.  Lightning was flashing so fast it look as if there was a mega-sized strobe light pulsating in the middle of the lake.  From the sound of horizontal rain drops slamming against the cottage and wooden debris ripped from trees that have stood their ground since the colonial times, the most rational idea would be to get the hell out of there, cause this place was going to tear apart at any moment.  But I couldn’t resist.  The sight was just too intriguing.  I had to watch.

 

The sky was perfectly layered with clouds swirling about like the Milky Way galaxy.  Rain shot at the windows so fast I was amazed it didn’t shatter the glass.  “An alien invasion” I thought to myself.  I honestly thought for a moment that aliens were coming down to take us over, and the worst part was that I was content with it!  But I knew better.  I saw the debris of busted up sidewalks and uprooted trees in Minnesota, and have heard of such phenomenon in recent days.  This was a good ol’ fashion Midwest storm; one that caused a blackout across the Fox River valley of Wisconsin.

 

I was in awe of the havoc rustling about, and stayed up for over a half hour watching as Mother Nature destroyed the weak vegetation standing in her wake.  With the natural strobe light erratically gleaming and an occasional howl of thunder, she would toss around the lakeside remains at any and all manmade structures sprawled around the shores of the lake, sending a message to remind us that she would always be in charge, and never be stopped…  No matter what.

 

It was quite a show, but the storm started to die down to a manageable rate whereas I could slip back into bed.  It was then that I had an epiphany.  I shot up, my mouth agape, heart pounding.  It was a realization that paralleled the invention of the light bulb by Thomas Edison, and the light bulb burned bright in my mind, guiding me towards my next move.

 

“MY CLOTHES!” I exclaimed as I scurried down the steps out onto the porch…  and into a giant puddle of water.  The porch, only protected by a screen, had let a flood of water seep through, covering everything in its path.  And it was on that porch where my entire catalog of valuables laid…

 

My clothes?  Completely soaked.  Guitar?  Drenched.  Dad’s super crossword puzzle book?  Destroyed.  Hot sauce?  Lost cause.  iPad?  Too bad.

 

What a bummer buzzkill to an almost perfect first day in Wisconsin.  But if you know me, I never let the turkey’s get me down for too long.  My iPad survived, and my clothes along with the guitar eventually dried out.  I was rocking and rolling again in no time, and the Armageddon hot sauce still had enough kick to send me into a hallucinogenic state the day after when applied to my famous hot wings, in which I would end up sitting against the wall uncontrollably shaking, mumbling gibberish of how much I loved my Grandma and that I’m going to miss her when I’m gone.  You know, the type of stuff you say right before you’re going to die.  So all’s well that ends well!

 

But it wasn’t quite over yet.  Soon, myself along with a few choice family members would venture to a land of sacred ground and significance to the people of Wisconsin.  The Mecca of the Mid-West.  Lambeau Field.  We were going to see the Green Bay Packers…

 

TO BE CONTINUED…