The new Star Wars is garbage. Sorry, I know it’s a touchy subject, and I’m probably going to piss a bunch of people off, but somebody had to have the balls to say it. In fact, all the new ones so far (excluding Rogue One) have been garbage. Probably even worse than episodes I, II, and III.
“Wait, worse than I, II, and III—“ THAT’S RIGHT I SAID IT!!! Maybe I liked Jar Jar Binks! So???
Sure, normally, I wouldn’t be so worked up about something like this, but leave it to the internet to ruin everything with a bunch of dumbasses on twitter:
Turns out, that Net Neutrality bull crap couldn’t prevent this trash from rearing its ugly head.
That’s right, I went there, you commie bastards. This crap’s got me in total A-hole mode, so spare me your tears. They won’t work.
Then there’s the guardian. I wonder whose ass they’re trying to kiss?
And perhaps the most atrocious offense of them all:
Comparing this to The Dark Knight? Really? From the guys who tell us how to spend our money? I think this Forbes writer stuck his pencil too far in his ear.
Don’t know what type of agenda these people have, or if their blind loyalty to the franchise has their heads shoved so far up Luke Skywalker’s ass that they’re unable to develop a coherent thought, because this movie was all around sloppy. Just 2 and half hours of “WTF!”
***WARNING: SPOILER TIME***
So, I’m watching this thing, and it starts out saying the Resistance is pretty much wiped out, all except for Leia, Admiral Akbar, that Poe dude (the pilot), and a couple others in the fleet, and I’m all, “Sure, ok. I’ll buy that.” So, after a space battle or two and some crap dialogue, it cuts to Rey handing Luke his lightsaber.
“Huo—ho—wha—Jimmy—hold on there just a minute!” I say to myself. “This happened in the last movie, right after they blew up that star killing planet! Now all of a sudden, the First Order’s back in business and the rebels are down to their last ship, within minutes of the last movie ending? Something ain’t right here!”
Then, a few scenes later, Leia and Admiral Akbar get blown into space. I’ll get to Leia in a bit, but yea, they kill off the “It’s a Trap!” dude! I’m not saying that they’re not allowed to kill him off or anything, but you gotta do it the right way! He was a beloved character in the franchise, and there was no emotion surrounding his death, whatsoever! It was just, “Ok, the admiral’s dead now. This chick with purple hair’s in charge.
Our fishy friend deserved better than this. The fans deserved better than this…
And while we’re on the subject of characters, the new ones in the series are… um, how do I say this politely… not good—at all. They try way too hard. Poe’s that guy at work who just can’t seem to realize he’s not funny and that nobody likes his jokes, and Finn is super loud and obnoxious. Half the time I just want to scream, “Hey!!! Shut the F#*$ up!!!”
Think about some of the older characters: Chewbacca, R2D2, Boba Fett, and on. They weren’t overbearing, didn’t push for more screen time, and weren’t overhyped by the other characters. They just played their part in the movie, and people overtime came to appreciate their roles.
And sorry to say this, but there’s nothing special about Rey either. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate her, and have nothing against her, but she’s no Princess Leia, and for her to have that much power with such a lack of training is indolence on the writers, a cheap “out” that’s overused. And don’t worry, I’ll touch on this more when I make my way back to the abominable Leia moment.
And remember that Maz lady from the first one? She looks like a reptile, has weird glasses, and is super old? Well, she makes an appearance in this one too, and it’s straight up ridiculous (and not in the good way). For starters, she gets a call from Finn and Poe as if they can just call this super important, mysterious, high in-demand person of the galaxy up at any time, after one brief meeting. That’s like me getting introduced to Tony Soprano and him being like, “Here’s my personal line. Feel free to give me a call. I’ll always answer.”
Along with that, throughout episode VII, you keep on hearing stuff like, “Oh, Maz is so cool. She’s been around for 1000 years (even though we never heard of her in the other movies), she knows the ins and outs of the galaxy…” and blah blah blah. So, when you finally meet her, it’s sort of a letdown. The worst part is, she could’ve been a character I liked, but instead of letting the character develop naturally and having faith in the audience to come to that conclusion, J. J. Abrams pretty much told us, “You must like this character.” It’s a major flaw in the new movies, and it sort of pisses me off! I mean, c’mon! Nobody likes to be told what to do!
***NOTE: Before you say anything, I know J. J. Abrams didn’t direct this one. However, he was an executive producer and has been heavily involved with the reboots, and since not a lot of people know who Rian Johnson is, I’m going to go ahead and crap on Abrams, since the issues started with him.***
Now, on to the bad guys. Kylo Ren’s straight up a little whiney bitch! Think about Darth Vader. He was a bad dude, and sure, we didn’t like him, but man, was he a badass or what? You see him come in, and you’re straight up, “I’MA GET THE F OUT!” Darth Maul too! It was disappointing that he was overhyped and didn’t have a larger role, but one look at him and you’re all, “Damn, that’s one scary dude. Pure evil!”
Kylo Ren is nothing like Vader, or Maul. He’s a crybaby, and he throws fits when he doesn’t get his way! Like seriously, how can somebody be that good with the force if you’re that emotionally unstable?
And they expect the audience to accept that this Supreme Leader Snoke dude’s this all-powerful force user on the level of the emperor, with no explanation whatsoever! I mean, the guy’s throwing other force users around and shooting lightning bolts out of his arse and stuff! Don’t you think if he was that strong and ambitious, he would’ve been tight with the emperor and stuff? I mean, this guy’s no young hunk from the Hamptons system of the galaxy. He’s a pretty haggard lookin’ dude—a dusty old bird! Like, you know he’s had to be around for a while, yet, nobody knew about him until now, and he became the most powerful force user ever? Whatever. Sounds like they needed a bad guy, and “Oh, how convenient. There’s this supreme leader that just happens to be strong with the force. Golly gee, how did we miss that?”
But finally, back to Leia and the stupid crap they pulled with her. So, her and Akbar get blown into space, along with a couple of others and she’s floating around for a couple minutes, presumably dead. Because, it’s space after all, and nobody can survive out there. But OMG, get this! After getting blasted with a giant laser cannon and flying into space, she wakes up, opens her eyes, reaches out, and floats her way back to the ship, on her own will.
Let me repeat that. She wakes up, in space. She regains consciousness, opens her eyes, sticks out her hand, and floats her way back to the ship…
Excuse my language, but “WHAT THE F#*&@!!!”
It’s like J.J. Abrams was all, “Hey, check out the super cool plot twist I came up with, all by myself! Everybody knows that Carrie Fischer died, so let’s trick them! Let’s make them think that Leia dies like they all suspect, and then bring her back to life, because of the force! Wow, I’m so smart!”
Wow, J.J. You got us real good. Who would’ve thought that Princess Leia could suddenly use the force and defy the laws of Physics? You sure fooled us. Douche bag.
Oh! I can’t believe I haven’t talked about Rose yet! Not so epic spoiler alert: She suuuuuuuuuuuuuucks!!!
So, they added this girl to the story, pretty much because they didn’t have a good reason to keep Finn around (there wasn’t a good reason to have him in episode VII either, but I digress). The two end up going on this pointless adventure to this casino planet, which turns into a giant lecture on “greed” and “inhumane treatment of animals” and “the environment,” and “insert whatever stereotypical, preachy trope you’d like.” All it amounts to is a God-awful CGI scene of them riding these Wompa Horse things they freed from captivity through the casino and ruining a bunch of rich people’s day.
At the end of it, they ride off into a field with the horses and Finn says something smug like, “It was worth it to mess up the town.” Give me a freakin’ break.
And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, Rose and her SJW, beyond moral, holier than thou attitude, pulls the ultimate “hold my beer” moment. She takes off the horse’s saddle, lets it run away, then says, “now it was worth it.” God, just give me a blaster to the head and put me out of my misery!
And then, we’re supposed to believe that these two mediocre rebels go to this casino halfway across the galaxy, have several sentimental conversations, get thrown in jail, just happen to find a code breaker there, then break out of jail, get passed security to set a bunch of horses free, go on a wild chase, find an enemy ship, take it over, and make it back so they can break the code, all within the span of 18 hours? What sort of retarded crap is that???
And yes, I understand the word “retarded” is very insensitive these days. Well, oh, my God. I. Don’t. CARE!!!
Well, since I’m on a role, I might as well piss off the rest of the feminists out there with this super sexist remark.
In the old James Bond movies, the women for the most part were useless, but at least they were all babes. Not only is Rose a weak character (her portrayal as being strong unbelievable), but she’s not even hot. Not. At. All. Period.
Oh, and at the very end, just when you’re like “Thank God, they’re going to kill Finn’s ass off! Halleluiah, praise Jesus! I never have to hear his obnoxious voice ever again!” Guess who happens to come along to save him at the last second, on cue with another terribly delivered peace and butterflies, politically correct, FCC compliant line?
F you Rose. Seriously, F you.
And how many, “just in the nick of time,” moments can there be in a single movie? I think they may have broken the record along with the, “Oh boy, we thought we were out of trouble, but golly gee, now they know our plan,” or “We’re out of fuel,” or “Oh no, now they have a big cannon. What are we going to do now?” You’d think for one of the biggest movie franchises of all time, they could’ve found some less lazy techniques to maintain suspense.
And the jokes! They’re awful, not fitting, and way too many of them! I think the only time I laughed was when Yoda came back and burned down the Jedi tree before Luke could.
The Porgs aren’t cool either. I know a bunch of fanboys tried to make them a thing when the first trailers came out, but they’re not. They’re just dumb. And pointless, like pretty much everything else in this movie.
In fact, the only possible redeeming quality of this movie is Luke Skywalker, but they even manage to screw that up, starting from the very beginning! When Rey hands him his lightsaber, he tosses it over his shoulder like a total dickhead, a complete antithesis of the character built from the original trilogy.
At the end of the film, Luke stands in front of a bunch of AT-AT’s, and Kylo Ren directs them to blow Luke away. When they fail to do so, what does Luke do? He steps out of the smoke and taunts Kylo Ren. Congratulations, J.J. Enjoy the cheap laugh you received from a couple of kids. You just turned Luke Skywalker into a cocky A-hole.
It’s like he said, “screw you” to the original movies and started making stuff up! There’s no limit on the force, people just happen to gain its power whenever convenient, and personalities developed over many years change on the whim. Is nothing of the original Star Wars sacred to these people?
Usually, the capitalist in me would say, “let it be,” but they’re doing it off the back somebody else’s hard work and great story-telling just so they can make a quick buck, all at the older fan’s expense. And taking advantage of their loyalty, to me is most cardinal of offenses.
The worst part is that they should know better after the debacle that was the prequels. Everybody rails on how bad the second trilogy was, and there’s a stigma forever held against them. Sure, the prequels were bad in their own respects, and if asked about the new ones, a typical response would be, “Well, at least it’s not episodes I, II, and III.”
And they’re right. They’re not episodes I, II, and III. They’re worse, whether you can admit it or not, and they have no excuses.