Chorizo Mac and Cheese: A Secret to Everybody!

***Warning, apparently, there’s a “spoiler” in this blog. So if you just want the recipe, just scroll down until you see “Chorizo Mac and Cheese.” However, I’m going to go out on a limb and say I didn’t spoil anything that bad***

Ok, so I messed up.  Pretty bad. I mean, I don’t think it’s a big deal, but apparently some people are pretty butt hurt about it.

So, there’s this movie that’s out, called “The Avenger’s End Game” or something dumb like that. Personally, I don’t even like those movies, but everybody can’t shut up about it. It’s pretty much the same crap they saw last time, just take the next superhero in line and cut and paste a new bad guy with some lame end of the world scenario.  Gee, how original!

More like Avengers: Turd Game. Who Cares???

Then, I have this friend named Shaun Walters, one of those among the obsessed. Don’t get me wrong, I like the dude fine and all, at least most days.  After all, he can be known to throw a good meme on Facebook every now and then.

I hate to admit it, but that’s funny.

But the guy can be a real ball breaker sometimes.  I mean, he’s totally ruined Game of Thrones for everybody on multiple occasions.  Just because he’s read the stupid books, he thinks he has the right to spoil everything for me.  Forget that!  Go ahead, waste your own time with all that sucky reading, but don’t drag the rest of us along!

The worst part is, he thinks he can out drink me (Chapter 2: I Call it a Brass Monkey).  No respect.

His last spoiler, though… that was the final straw.

And look, he’s just rubbing it in!

Something had to be done, for these nefarious deeds had gone on for much too long.  I had to get him…  I just had to.  And I had the perfect plan…

I was going to ruin the new Avenger’s movie for him… but not really.

Right before the movie was to come out in theatres, I’d casually make a Facebook post and get him all psyched out, acting like I had just revealed a major spoiler.  It would come off as innocent, without any warning whatsoever, and he wouldn’t expect it, not from me.  Oh man, I was going to get him good!

Haha, he has the nerve to call me a jerk?? Spare me the righteous indignation.

The thing is, I hadn’t even seen the stupid movie!  I just made the whole thing up just to punk him!  I could see it, him getting all worked up, like I had ruined his entire summer.  Then, when he finds out the truth, he’d be all, “Gosh darn it Grizzly Chadams, you scared me!  Heheh.”   Nothing major, just something to make him think twice about posting Game of Thrones spoilers in the future.…Well, turns out, the Iron Dude actually does die.  Everything I posted ended up happening.  …Whoops!

Suddenly, I had become most hated man on the internet, and the threats started rolling in, one after another.

Even my best friend since the third grade was sending them direct!

That certainly wasn’t a fun text string to wake up too…

I mean, how the heck was I supposed to know that actually happened? The good guys never die!  And now, everybody’s out for blood!

The backlash was totally unjust.  No man should ever receive this type of punishment for such a simple mistake. Yet, I’m willing to take the fall.  To make things right, I’m going above and beyond the call of duty, as long as it brings peace of mind to those troubled souls going after my livelihood.

I’m giving away my million-dollar discovery.  I call it, Chorizo Mac and Cheese:

I remember the exact moment it hit me, like Doc Brown when he came up with the idea of the flux capacitor.

“Oh, look, they have mac and cheese on sale,” said my wife during a casual stroll through the grocery store a Sunday or two ago.  Having just departed the meat and dairy sections to appease our penchant for chorizo and eggs, the next sequence of thoughts could only be described as natural. “…What if I mix chorizo with… mac and cheese…” To be honest, a revelation of this magnitude is quite frightening.  We’re talking about a world changing event right here!  And what if I fail?  I had dabbled with the concept of macaroni bologna years before, which ended up being a 4-dollar disaster.

Ughz, what a travesty!

And now, the stakes were even higher.  If I screw this up, how could I ever be trusted? What about my future kids—the future of our country!?!?

But then again… think of the possibilities…

My mind was set.  There was no turning back now.

***

I took a deep breath as I stared at my creation, a fully cooked tube of chorizo fully mixed into a bowl of Safeway select white cheddar macaroni and cheese.  Might heart pounded as I lifted a spoon full to my mouth for a taste test.  “Well, here goes nothing…”

Trust me, it’s way better than it looks!

My mouth collapsed over the savory mixture: pure ecstasy.  The rave of the tongue only escalated as it further seeped through my taste buds.  It was like Disneyland and Coachella had combined forces to bring forth the ultimate pleasure experience.  No joke, I had literally stumbled upon the greatest merger since Peanut Butter and Jelly.  Chorizo and Mac and Cheese…  I’ll never have to work another day in my life.

The recipe is simple.  Cook one box of store bought macaroni and cheese.  It doesn’t matter if it’s Kraft, the fancy stuff, or whatever.  Heck, you could probably even get something from that used food store, the “Grocery Outlet” I think they call it.  Any ol’ box of mac and cheese will do.

Personally, I prefer the white cheddar, but do as you please!

And I don’t remember the exact details, but usually, you put the dried macaroni into a pot of boiling water for about 10 minutes, then drain.  A little milk and butter is usually involved, plus that weird cheesy powder, but I mean, it’s mac and cheese.  If you’re a grown adult and don’t know how to cook that, then there’s essentially no hope for you.  Sorry!

Next, slap a tube of chorizo on the skillet and cook on medium to medium high heat for about 7 to 10 minutes, and make sure you stir it around every minute or so.  Just an FYI though, chorizo is sort of hard to know when it’s fully cooked.  When it’s done, you sort of… know?

Also, don’t bother getting the Jimmy Dean chorizo or any other type that’s 4 or 5 bucks at the grocery store.  Total waste of money.  The “Cacique” stuff will do, of which you can get for no more than 2 bucks at the grocery store ($1.50 on a good day).  Not only is it the cheapest, but it’s the best.

The last type of chorizo you’ll ever have to buy.

Now for the most important part.  After you’ve cooked both, mix the chorizo in with the macaroni.  Stir, then viola!  A most excellent party in your mouth for under 3 dollars!

And for your health, it also pairs well with one of these!

The moment I tasted this contraption, I knew I could’ve retired off it. However, as Kanye gave us “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” after ruining Taylor Swift’s night at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, consider this my gift to the world.  A most generous gift indeed, yet, one too important to keep to myself.

So, for all y’all that are still pissed off over the Avengers, quit your crying.  I just gave up early retirement for you!  And trust me, you’ll be thanking me once you taste my chorizo mac and cheese.

And Moody, I’d say this makes us even from here on out.

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