July 8th, 2024 – Malakas and the Cave of the Apocalypse
Kalimera, Rich!
I hope you had a good Independence Day. You know the deal over here about the 4th. It’s not that they hate it, but just don’t understand the significance of it all like we do. So, instead of trying to fight it, I took matters into my own hands and headed to this place called Patmos.
Now, most people like our buddy Mike would go, “another Greek island, big whoop!” Especially since you have to sail your way there. The trip was like 8 hours long!
But let’s just say that I’m glad you’re much wiser than our Eagles obsessed friend of ours, because you know just as well as I do that Patmos ain’t just any normal island. It’s the place where St. John saw the apocalypse and wrote all about it in the book of Revelation! You know, the battle of Armageddon, the white horse? The red horse. The black horse… THE PALE HORSE!!!
No joke, I went to that place and stood in the cave where it all went down! And I would’ve taken some pictures for your sake, but the priests at the church there told people not to. Is it a sacred place of which pictures would adulterate its holiness? I’d say so. Were people breaking the rules and taking pictures anyway? No doubt about it. But all’s I know is, when an Orthodox Priest asks you to do something, I ain’t gonna argue with him, especially in the eyes of God. When it comes time for final judgement, that’s one less thing I have to answer to, so you bet your sweet tush I was on my best behavior!
Story has it that after they killed off all the other disciples from the bible, they tried to take out St. John by boiling him in a big pot of oil. But guess what? It didn’t’ work! I’m not sure if he even got hurt! So instead, they exiled him to this place, only for him to write about the end of the world. But take a look at the views! I hope the jerks who tried boiling him alive felt like a bunch of suckers after it all, cause that’s what they are! Rich, I don’t care how terrible you are, I would never imagine boiling somebody in oil, not even the worst Eagles fan in the world!
They also had a monastery up there, and boy, did I feel at peace up there, just like when I went to Meteora. Now this was the vacation I was looking for! A little time to soak in the atmosphere, enjoy a beer or two, and just… relax.
It was almost the perfect short trip, until I ran into a couple of malakas on the ride back home. I walk into my sleeping cabin on the ferry and pulled down my bed only for this guys to get his panties in a twist and confront me with a stern, “BRO!” I just stared at this turkey and his friend, who thought their muscles were bigger than their brains. “Like, really? You’re mad about me coming into a room that I paid for? Why didn’t you get your own room ya dingus!” After a short conversation, he acquiesced, and I crawled up into my bed. But Rich, I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. I don’t know what’s with these kids these days. It’s like nobody ever taught them how to show a little respect! He’s just lucky you weren’t there, cause if that guy talked to you the way he talked to me, his bottom would’ve been beaten cherry red! Luckily I made it home safe and sound without any further issues.
August 16th, 2024 – What’s the Deal with Wildfires?!
Kalimera Rich!
First off, sorry for taking so long to get back to you with a proper update. I thought taking care of one child was hard enough, but man oh man, now that I have two, it’s a hand full! And let me tell ya, you ain’t foolin’ this one. She means business.
Now, I know I have a bias, but I think there’s a good argument that this is the cutest little girl in Greece!
And don’t forget about my other dude. He’s still into that Thomas the Tank Engine, but now he’s also got his eyes on tractors, bulldozers, excavators, and the likes! That’s alright for a guy like me. Better he’s into those than princesses and ponies and stuff.
And for the most part, he plays pretty well with his little sister, although there are times he doesn’t quite understand his strength and is a little rough with her, of which I can completely relate. I remember all’s I wanted to do was practice some wrestling moves I learned on the TV on my little sister, and two powerbombs and a suplex later, she was screaming bloody murder all the way to my mom and getting me grounded for it! I’m tellin’ ya Rich, us guys don’t have it easy, but I suppose it’s just the burden we bear… the price we pay as part of growing up… for becoming men.
Second, and most important, thanks for checkin’ in on us with regards to these dang ol’ wildfires going around. The good news is that we’re all safe now and things have subsided for the moment, but boy did it get a little scary there for a minutes. Just check out this picture!
That’s right outside one of our embassy houses, which wasn’t even one of the ones that got a mandatory evacuation order! One of the houses was just a street away from getting completely burnt down! Luckily for the family, the fire couldn’t quite get over the road, so the house was spared.
But get this, when our safety coordinator went over the next day to survey the damage, there was this 90-year-old broad out there with her watering house still fighting the thing off! Apparently, she didn’t get the memo, and let me tell ya, by the way he described it, she had some thoughts on these fires, and she wasn’t gonna let anybody tell her to leave her house (if you ask me, it sounds like a certain Eagles fan we know…)! I guess when you’re 90, you reserve the right to do what you want, even if it is standing your ground against a wildfire. And who knows? Maybe she’s the reason why the place didn’t get torched after all?!?!
As you can see, they got some dry grass and underbrush over here which doesn’t help anything, but worse than that, you have all these hooligans running around, smoking their cigarettes and being careless. And get this, some of em’ even start the fires on purpose! This generation, Rich… I don’t know what’s going to with them. I’m starting to think it was partly our fault for not spanking their bottoms black and blue when we had the chance…
Only one month left before we head home. Let’s just hope we can make it back without any more drama…
September 3rd, 2024 – The Corinth Canal
Alright, we had to get one last Greek vacation in before we depart. And what else were we going to do? The movers came by and took most of our stuff away, so we ain’t got nothing in the house.
So, we decided to go to the beach again.
And on the way back, we stopped by this place called Corinth, where they have this thing called the Corinth Canal. And I can’t lie Rich, there’s not a lot that impresses me these days. But this… this was impressive!
Get this, they even built this back in like the bible days, where all the technology was ancient and stuff! You gotta hand it to the Greeks, or at least the Corinthians, they were ahead of their time. And you know, speaking of the bible, I think there’s a book called Corinthians in it. I sort of wonder if they’re related, but it’s probably just a coincidence…
Anyways, the little dude liked it, and get this, they had these people doing bungie jumping in the middle of it as well! Now I’m sure as a young sailor, you would’ve done something like this to impress the ladies, but thank God I don’t need to do any more impressing, because those guys are crazy! I’ll leave the thrills of bungie jumping to you. I’m going to pass on this one.
Well, I have to go to this place called France next week for a wedding. And just between you and me, I have a bad feeling about it. I don’t quite remember where it was said, but I hear that:
A: the French are A-holes and…
B: that French babes don’t shave their pits!
Not good. Anyways, pray for me and wish me luck, cause I’m gonna need it if I’m going to survive!
The Trials and Tribulations of a Grizzly Chadams 