It’s been a while since I’ve written, but it’s a sensitive matter, because let’s face it, I think you’re the only guy who would understand. And besides, our buddy Mike is a little slow with his reply’s (not like you were), so I need to speak to a reliable source, somebody who won’t let me down. Am I disappointed in him, yes, as we all should be, but I can’t be too hard on him for at least he had the decency to give me your personal email.
But, as I predicted last year, nobody stepped up to the plate. It was a tough job, but somebody had to do it. So, I put my big boy… or I suppose you could say my big red pants on, and…
That’s right. I was Santa this year.
And let me tell ya, Rich, that’s some risky business, although I’m not telling you anything you already know! Some kid tries to tug on your beard, another tries to trick you into saying you’re “not the real Santa (and like they even know!),” and you should’ve heard what some of these kids were asking for! Why, this one girl who landed herself on the naughty list, Rich I kid you not, asked for “a nuclear bomb so she could blow up her brother’s room.” I don’t know about you, but back in my day, saying something like that to the big guy would give you a lifetime ban from the Nice List. Oh, and the worst one I had… get this. I asked this little boy what he wanted, and he said to me with a solemn face, “I just want my mom and dad to stop fighting.” I don’t care how many years you’ve been on the job, good luck coming up with a good answer for that one!
But you know what, the reward greatly outweighed the risk. I mean, check out the service I had rolling into the ambassador’s house…
Talk about a reception!
That’s right, police escort service, and boy, you should’ve seen the reception. I was the biggest celebrity in Greece that day! Man, the kids were lining up, giving me hugs, excited to talk to me! Even the ambassador wanted to shake my hand, and he’s got it good with the President! And I never realized this, but the ladies were pretty fond of Santa as well. This particular one had a penchant for becoming Mrs. Claus.
All in all, I can say that we’re in a short list of people man enough to step up and do the job. But boy does it feel get to be in such upstanding company. There aren’t many like us left in the world Rich, but thank God we exist, and as long as I’m still here, well, I find it my duty, and my honor, to serve my country in such a dignified role, and I’m darn lucky I had your mentorship over the years to prepare me for this moment. I couldn’t have done it without you, though I do admit, I did find some “how to” videos on the internet that showed me how to be a good Santa.
As for our buddy Mike, I’m afraid he’s been a bad boy this year, forgetting to write Santa back. Expect plenty of coal in his stocking. But no need for you to worry, Rich. I’ll make sure you have plenty of presents under the tree this year, now that I have a say.
January 26th, 2023 – Poor performances from the Packers? And Santa too??? Can’t get much lower than this…
Mr. Mike,
It’s been a little while since I’ve written. I wish I could say it’s because I’m just so busy now that I have a new job and everything. I mean, I don’t want to brag, but I have the keep the entire Embassy of the United States up and running, and believe me, that’s no joke! If things start to fall apart, my butt’s on the line, and that’s no fun, I don’t care who you are!
But in actuality, it’s a different story. Mike, it’s hard not to be depressed these days.
First off, we had Christmas. Now, this wasn’t a terrible Christmas by any means. And actually, all things considered, it was pretty good. My wife’s mom came to visit and she made a Red Velvet Baby Jesus Cake, I cooked my very own roast beast, and we all came out all right with presents. But Santa, man did he let us down this year…
We had an embassy Christmas party, which was decent enough you could say. My son built his own gingerbread house, and sad to say, I don’t think he’ll be following in the engineering footsteps of his old man. By the looks of it, demolition is in his future.
But when it came to Santa, man, this guy just wasn’t up for the task. He was boring as can be. Barely made a splash of an entrance, barely talked to the kids, and didn’t even ask my son what he wanted for Christmas! I mean, c’mon man! What’s the deal? You’re Santa for gosh sakes! Get with the program!
And I get that people are a little more cautious with kids these days, not wanting to get too close at all, but this guy acted like he was allergic to em’! I mean, he wouldn’t go near the kids! Mike, I’m telling ya, where’s our buddy Rich when we need him? Now that’s a man you can count on to be Santa. We’ve seen him in action at the Nats games. He could deliver.
I just don’t know what we’re going to do for next year. This is the US Embassy for cryin’ out loud, and we gotta set the example for the rest of the world, and alls I know is, if we can’t get Santa right, then I’m afraid… I’m just saying, somebody’s got to step up to the plate! And if I can’t get Rich out here, then… well, I don’t want to even go there right now, but let’s just say, if I have to take matters into my own hands… never mind, I’ll cross that bridge next year IF it comes down to the wire.
Now, I wish I could say that was the worst of my problems, but sadly, I can’t lie to a man like you, Mike. The truth is you see, this team I really like rooting for called the Packers just wasn’t having the year I thought they would. I mean, they lost to this team that used to be called the Redskins, and believe me, that’s not an easy pill to swallow. People have become self-masochists after something like that! Now, there was hope when they beat the Cowboys, a team that our former colleague Rich used to gleam over, but after they lost to another team called the Eagles, I just couldn’t take it anymore… I cried out to God, “Is there any humanity left in this world?!?!”
But wait… what is this? A glimmer of hope? May they actually claw their way back to the playoffs? I mean, its destiny, right? Everything was working in their favor. All they needed to do was win at home against this team called the Lions then everything will be ok! Surely they can beat them, because, who can’t beat the Detroit Lions for Denny’s sake?
Well, guess what, they lost to the bleeping Lions. And now here I am, back at square one, forced to re-enter this world, my mind wiser, but my heart… colder.
And to put a cherry on top of that, I finally happened. I never thought the day would come, but after 2 years and 8 months of invincibility, I caught the gosh dern COVID. And let me tell ya, what an annoying way to get sick! You’re always tired! You can’t do anything, and these days, you’re lucky to find anything of decency on Netflix anymore. I can’t lie, I worry about the future of these young kids. Back in my day we had quality television, like Family Matters and Full House. What do they have now, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry? Ughz, don’t make me barf!!!
And just when I thought I was out of the woods, my wife gets me sick again with the flu! Can’t a guy catch a break here??? At this rate, I’ll be lucky if I make it out of the winter alive!!!
To try to get my mind off things we all took a trip to the place called Napflio in a part of Greece they call the Peloponnese. They have this old castle there that if you want to get there, you have to walk up 999 steps! I guess they figured bad guys would really have to be determined to come, because I don’t know about you, but if I had to walk up 999 steps, I’d think twice about conquering a castle and pick one a little lower to the ground.
And that’s only half way up!
Well, those 999 steps gave me time to think about life and contemplate my misery over the Packers. And all in all, I was rewarded with a decent enough view of the place. And one thing I could appreciate was you could actually find a parking space around here, a true commodity in a place like Athens, or even DC!
Napflio… not the worst place in the world. I suppose I could come back for a vist.
In better news, last month, I practiced my patriotism by attending my very first Marine Corps Ball, and I can’t lie, it wasn’t too shabby!
Sure, there were some who complained that it wasn’t as good as the year before, but since I didn’t go the year before, I had a heck of a time! Anything I can do to support those who serve our country! And every now and then, I clean up pretty nicely. It’s like what you used to say to Rich back in the day, “You know the difference between you and me? It’s that I make this look good!”
I mean, just check out those shoes!
Other than that, we’re just getting back into the groove of things from the Christmas break. And who knows what 2023 will bring. Possibly some good news for the city of Philadelphia? Now, I gotta admit, part of me was hoping that the Giants would pull an upset last week, and was even tempted to jump on the Brock Purdy bandwagon, but once I saw that our good friend Jenn was donning some Eagles gear on her Instagram, well, I guess now they aren’t so bad. So, for this week, and possibly this week only, fly Eagles fly.
And now that we’re talking about football, have you checked on our buddy Rich lately? Oh boy, he must be in complete agony after his Cowboys blew it! I mean, what were they thinking? A play with no offensive linemen? C’mon Man!
All that said, you better check on him to make sure he’s doing ok, maybe bake him a nice fruit cake and send over some thoughts and prayers. I bet he misses you guys, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. And if you tell him I said anything, I’ll deny it emphatically, but I guess I miss him a little bit as well.
Well, don’t be shy. Make sure you update me on all the juicy gossip back in the office! Our buddy Rich used to spill all the dirty details, and I just got to know all the smack talk between you, Tara and Marquetta, so don’t leave me hangin’!
Oh, and PS, finally made my way up to the Parthenon! Also not too shabby. Give credit where credit is due, those Greeks built things to last back in the day!
March 12th, 2023– So the Secretary of State came into town. Big whoop!!
Mr. Mike,
Or is it Magic Mike? I seem to recall that’s the name you preferred, at least that’s what Tara told me back in the day. Either way, I think it fits you pretty well!
But first things first. My condolences to your Eagles. Believe it or not, but I was rootin’ for you guys. And that last play where they called holding and gave the Chiefs a first down? Bull crap if you ask me! Jalen Hurts got shafted, big time! But we can only lament for so long. The truth of the matter is, our country needs us, whether it’s supporting the Navy or the Embassy’s around the world, football gonna have to take a back seat.
Well, February was an eventful month over here in Greece, and this time, I have a pretty decent excuse for my lack of updates. First off, we had some Secretary of a State come into town. Blinkin’s the name. Which state, I don’t know, they wouldn’t say, but holy guacamole did it get everybody all excited. They were all running around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off, cleaning things up, setting up events and trying to get bands and dancers and whatever, putting this dude into a fancy hotel, plugging up traffic, it’s like, give me a break already! So, he comes in, gives a few speeches, cuts a ribbon, and then books it out of town. And I’m thinkin’ “is that it?” Apparently, it was, and I hate to say it, but the guy was kind of boring if you ask me. The speech he gave us was pretty much a snoozefest, and the answers to his questions… Lame!!! But what do I know? I’m not a Secretary of any State, at least not yet.
Sorry bud! The embassy looks nice, but as for you, I’m not impressed!
Thankfully, people have settled down a little bit, but next time he comes into town, I may have to give him a piece of my mind. “Hey buddy, what’s the big idea, making me do all this extra work? I got places to go, people to see, and updates to write!”
But on a cooler note, guess who else came into town?
It was our buddy the George H.W. Bush! And yours truly was hand selected to go on a visit! I felt bad for some of the Greeks since they wanted to go, but when my name was drawn out of the hat, I guess it was just meant to be. So, I made sure to get a couple good pics for everybody. Brought back some good memories of hangin’ with my pals back in the office. But dangit was it cold! I was just thinkin’, “Man George, did you really have to pick the coldest, rainiest day of the year to come to Greece?” In the end, it was a good trip, and I was able to pick up some goodies along the way. So maybe the next person who comes to visit me in Greece may just have a ship coin waiting for them (wink wink).
And don’t worry, I picked up some souvenirs for all the guys back at the office from the ship store, heheh.
There was also this place called Monemvasia. They say it’s the most romantic place in Greece, and I would agree with that statement, especially for a guy like you, in case you want to impress the wife someday. But when you have a two-year-old who’s constantly on the go, it’s more like as the Greeks say, “Den Nomizo Taki,” or “I don’t think so son!” Every step there’s a sharp ledge to bust your head on, a drop off with stairs to fall down, cliffs that fall into the ocean, obtuse stones to trip and fall on—basically one giant death trap! I think I left that place with more grey hairs on my head than Rich! Thankfully, we survived the ordeal, and in the process, I was at least able to get a few cool pictures to share.
And guess what was on the way back to Athens? That’s right, the place I’ve been waiting to see ever since I saw that great documentary called 300, where the Sparta soldiers beat up all the Persians until they are betrayed by the funny looking guy Ephialtes. Boy was I excited! “What could such a place hold for a guy like me?” I could only imagine the spectacles I’d see. A bunch of buff dudes with there shirts off walking around? Spartan helmets everywhere? Monuments to the great Spartan Soldiers? And finally, I’d get to see the mother of all travel destinations! The pit where King Leonidas famously kicked the Persian Messenger into! I felt like I was going to Disneyland for the very first time!
Mike, I gotta tell ya, the last time I felt this much disappointment was back in 1997 when Hollywood Hulk Hogan joined the New World Order. The place was absolutely dead. No shops with Spartan helmets, no tours of the ruins, no buff guys walking around, nothing but this one statue. That was it! The archeological site was a joke, the people seemed like they were too proud to care, it was just a boring old town in the middle of Greece! If I was running that place, I’d pretty much have an amusement park or something, making it the number one destination in Greece! No wonder they don’t talk a lot about this place anymore.
Ancient Sparta? You’re looking at it. Big whoop!Big ol’ YawnerMy wife was so mad, that she even tried kicking me down a well!
Oh, and the guy at the gas station was a big jerk too, or as we say in Greece, a “Malaka,” of which I can’t translate here, for the term is too dirty.
I got a one decent picture I suppose, but man, I don’t know how a man recovers after such a monumental letdown…
One way I can maybe get my mojo back is that it looks like I’ll be heading back out to the States finally. My friend is getting married in St. Louis, so I’m popping into town to see that go down. It’ll be my first time back in about a year and a half, so I’ll have to see how the place has changed. One thing I’m not too excited about is all the higher prices people keep telling me about. I’ll let you know if I have any money left after I get back. Until next time, stay safe and frosty, and don’t forget to pass this note along to our buddy Rich. I can only imagine he’s living his best life right now, probably on a yacht or out on the beaches in the Bahamas, soakin’ in retirement. Hopefully he hasn’t forgotten about all of us, but if you have his email, let me know, and maybe I’ll send him a note or two.
The Trials and Tribulations of a Grizzly Chadams 